body

what is it with me and pessimistic realizations these days?
i week ago i had an epiphany concerning the value of life and why we mourn (it wasn't the happiest epiphany in history), and today i learned something about myself i'd rather not have. mostly because it means vit was right.

let me begin by saying that i agree with chris (and with garbage). i'm only happy when it rains. well, i used to be. i think i'm trying to get over that. because it does no one, especially not me, to feel that way. i'm starting to take less and less crap. i'm being more and more honest and open. of course, honesty doesn't always make things easy. does it simplify things to tell a guy "you inspired this poem?" no, not really. but if it's true...
oh hell, fuck everyone! if it's true it's true. not a damn thing anyone can do about it. you can wish it to be differant, but facts are facts. and how i feel is a fact, weather i or anyone else likes it or not.
i'm trying to be happy when it's sunny. anyone try and stop me in this endeavor shall be destroyed, like the gray life-obstacle they are. into dust.

vit was right when he so often said "i need a wife for the theatre and the bedroom."
do i need mental stimulation? no, that's why i have friends. do i need another friend? sure, i'd always like another, but i'd also like a lover.
i wrong about being wrong about josh. i didn't need any sork of "click." of course, i didn't know i didn't need it. but i don't really need to have that in a romantic relationship. i have too many best friends as it is (i have to refer to them by acronym: mmmjjsnia). i need someone whom i can go out with, spend time with friends with, have a few funny storeis with, and then go home with. someone to make me feel loved and make all my problems seem insignificant and small.

evan is too hang-out-withable. we spent four and a half hours tougether, and talked the whole time. and i may as well have been spending time with sean or sam or somehting, it was just casual talk, not a serious word to be herd. i feel more passionatley about adnan or max.
and i had this terrible moment, when i told myself "doesn't matter, he'll grow on you." :::shudders:::

i still hate bitching about my love life. almost makes me long for the days when i didn't have one. of course, as it is now, makes me long for how it was a month ago.
that by the way, was that i-don't-give-a-fuck-what-anyone-thinks honesty.

volunteering is great. well, today i was exausted. but the kids are wonderful. the little snob girl was cool today. and it's great to spend time with them. i can't wait for my friends to start procreating so i have little neices and nephews to play with and spoil rotten. ^_^