body

things have been sucking ass lately.
mostly it's my dad. it started yesterday with him going on about how i'm going to fail 1st year, despite the fact that i have so little work to do. he kept insisting that, no, it's not that i'm stupid, but that i'm lazy... or something. he made sure to say that i'm not stupid, but i'm not sure what his explanation for my marks is then.

last night when i got back home from valentines stuff, he picked up my box of chocolates, and i snatched it away from him. this morning that gesture turned into a major issue, about how selfish i am, how i don't consider how hard his life is, and how he wants to leave me.

he's right and he's wrong. i am very mean to him. and the reason for that is that i'm so used to thinking of him as the enemy that of course i treat him as one. he was a jerk to me during my childhood. and now i'm old enough to express my anger, except i don't always direct it well. if my mom had wanted one of my chocolates, i would have let her have it. but it's because i hate him, i do these small things to show that i hate him. except i do them at the wrong times.

i wish we could just separate. i wish he could go to yugoslavia and i could live on my own. we'd both be happier. but we can't afford that financially. our lives are being ruined by my need for money. i hate that.

valentine's day was fine. it was fun, but not really romantic. i guess it's just not the same when you pick out your own chocolates.