body

What I want to do with Myself Now

The time has come for me to stand up on my own two feet, and make some decisions about myself. There are some changes I want to make, some improvements, and some re-discovery.

First of all, I feel that since starting University, I have become consumed by negativity. I felt like I was constantly meeting with failure, and I allowed that to kill my enthusiasm and love for what I was doing. Furthermore, I allowed that to kill a lot of my fighting spirit, and my sense of self.
No more.
For starters, while I certainly cannot promise to stop complaining (what would I do for fun then?), I will stop taking my academic life so close to heart. I think it's ridiculous that I would let people and forces who don't know anything about me control me. All I want to say is "Screw you, U of T, I'll show you what one girl from public school can do!"

Secondly, I've forsaken a lot of things, since stating at U of T, that were important to me. Most notable are writing, history, and religion.
The two latter points concern study. I find it fascinating to look at what people believe, and what they have done. I want to refresh my knowledge of religion, so that I can list off the Noble Eightfold Path off by heart, or what year Assyria conquered Babylonia, or some such thing. I'm also going to go out and hunt for the textbook we used in grade 11 history, because it was amazing. I shall hunt it down, and shall make it mine!
And as for writing, I think what I should do is start with my strength, rather than my weakness. I should work on some poetry. I have always had trouble writing long pieces, so rather than try to write prose and get mad at myself at the briefness of my composition, I should first go back to verse, where I can write ten lines and call it a day.

One good thing that has developed in the past few years is my musical taste. I feel it has really taken shape. To further this progress, I will mooch off of Sean for his contacts with other musicians, to find people who like what I like.

One final thing to change: a few years ago, I had huge problems with social situations. The reason was that I was in the process of forming my personal moral standards and I hated being around people who would always question me. I would like to stress, I think it is important to question one's beliefs, in order to weed out ones that are not authentic, or don't make sense. However, when I was forming my opinions for the very first time, I didn't need that.
Since I feel a lot surer of what I think now, it is time to go out into the world and explore a bit, and be challenged a bit.

I would like to leave with one final thought: I feel that I have gotten very lazy about myself. I assumed that since I knew who I was, everyone else would too, and that I didn't need to do anything in that regard. I now see that the only way to be myself is to actively be myself, not to drift along and hope others appreciate me, but to be so dynamically, wholly, passionately me, that no one could overlook it.