body

...And then, yesterday, we broke up again.

To those who felt a sudden pang of pain on my behalf, thank you, but you waste your pathos. I knew that it wouldn't work, and had I been able to compel myself to think with my brain rather than my heart, I wouldn't have let us get back together in the first place.

Which is not to say that I'm not hurting right now. I had so much hope (Indeed, sometimes it feels like hope is what I am made of) and it just didn't work. I wish I didn't hope, I wish I didn't believe, but I do, and that's why I ran head-first into this situation.

When it rains, it pours...

Maybe I'll feel differently in a few days, but right now it seems like the Universe is conspiring to destroy me. Ever since I made that wonderful discovery, many years ago, that I love myself, it feels like every force of nature has worked to convince me otherwise, that I shouldn't, and that I'm worthless.

This morning, when I said "Good morning" to my father, he didn't immediately respond. I knew right away he was angry at me. His trial with his ex-wife yesterday had not gone in his favour. He blamed me, because I had "cursed" him by being unsupportive and not wanting to go to court with him.

I won't bother repeating all the things he said and all the threats he made. But when he told me that I'm worthless... I just didn't understand why I get up in the morning every day, only to face a world where it doesn't matter what I want, what I believe, what I hope for, what I think. Where I don't matter.

Don't worry, I'll feel better in a few days. I just wish that these two things didn't have to happen at the same time.