body

I had an existential crisis in the Feminine Hygiene aisle the other day – well, maybe not an “existential” one, per se, but a crisis nonetheless. I stood there, staring at the products for a solid five minutes (A long time to spend in the feminine hygiene aisle) wondering what do to.

I have been happily using Always brand regular ultra-thins for many years. Usually with wings. I was perfectly satisfied with this relationship, and had only ever thought of changing products in favour of environmentalism – but hadn’t really intended to switch any time soon.

But then, there I found myself, in the Shopper’s Drug Mart, in need of pads. I reached out to grab a package of my old standby… only to find it attached, as a “special offer,” to a packet of those pads that come attached with “freshening wipes.”

You see, I have a bit of an issue with “freshening wipes.” It started with those Alexa by Trojan products, which claimed to be designed “from a women’s perspective.” To my understanding, they contained condoms, lube, and “freshening wipes.” It was the first time I had heard of these things, but I understood right away what was going on. The ads claimed that, using these wipes, ladies could prepare themselves for “intimate encounters.” The truth of the matter is that, you, as a female, should be ashamed of your vagina. It’s smelly, ugly, hairy, and entirely undesirable. You’re lucky any guy would ever want you at all – and honestly, they only do because they don’t have to actually look down there.

The correct course of action is, therefore, to shave your pubes, and wipe up your privates using these chemically saturated wet-naps, so that you don’t look, smell or taste anything like an actual woman with an actual vagina.

And of course, nothing about the vagina is more disgusting than menstruation. In addition to showering every day, you should also wipe up ever time you change pads.

This is insanity. Assuming you don’t have some sort of terrible disease, there is no way that your menstrual discharge can possibly have a strong enough smell to get through a pad, underpants and probably another layer of clothing. I have never in my life noticed another woman’s menstrual scent, nor has anyone ever complained of mine (At least not while I was fully clothed).

This is just companies trying to tell us that there is something wrong with us – something that can only be fixed by buying their products. If the cost is convincing every woman that her genitals are shameful and disgusting, well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. We certainly can’t compromise the bottom line in favour of something silly like “self-acceptance” or even, to think of it!, “self-love.”