mandy and mitul, you both made the request that i post certain poems, so i will, though for the record, the link fo mischief is here.

Vice

I could get drunk off your love,
so why bother with drink?
Why bother with any earthly vice
when but a sample of your virtue is better?
Why waste my time on any drug
when I could just inhale you?
And I get dizzy thinking of you,
I go mad, and am in bliss in my lunacy.
Colours all seem brighter and
water is both clean and sweet,
and sleep will never come again,
for how to turn off this infatuated brain?
Why gamble away my petty money,
when I have wagered myself
(though I do hope it was not a risk at all)?
And though I am a glutton,
why waste my taste buds on food,
when I could be relishing you?
I am enamored with the road to Hell.
And if God should forgive me,
let priests beat me,
though I'll just pretend it's you.


then

and now that I'm a century older,
I lean back and remember
the days when I was seventeen,
and how clean it all seemed.
I think of how young we were,
how beautiful, before age took our skin,
and sickness took our eyes.
I think of how dark your hair was,
I try to recall the strength of my voice,
I can see it vaguely now,
but it's the memory of a dream.
I think now of all the things I should
have said,
and all the words that never came
are now clear before my eyes.
and what was once just bigness,
just a feeling,
is now a book of your virtues and vices,
a book that is some man's Bible - and
could have been mine.
I think of all the things I should
have wished for you,
but never did.
I am the damndest creature on the earth
because of all this hindsight;
for now I can see all the mistakes I made,
all the decisions that were wrong,
and all the things I wish I'd known
a century ago.

my promise

everyone, i promise one day i will be strong. i'm working on it, but it's hard. ever since i knew there was a "me," i've known i am alone. ever since i've known i have a body, i've known i am ugly. ever since i've had people, they have been ill.
my past is no excuse for how i act and feel now, i know that. but old habits are so hard to break... and i do almost have the ungliness habit kicked!

so some day, i will have broaken this habit of doubting. i promise to beleive i am loved. i promise that when i am happy, i will not ask "is this real?" and when i am sad i will not say "this is a show." i promise to feel. all the time. not just sometimes.

i promise i'll be strong all the time. i promise you won't have to be afraid for me, because i'll be bigger than my foes. i promise i will live up to my motto: free vega.

Aham brahmasmi

i confess, wahtever else i may say about the guy, my father is a constant source of entertainment.
as we watch "days of our lives" over dinner, sean and bell are about to have sex for the first time. vit maks the commetn that he's been thinking about it, and he's concluded that sex is dumb and boring.
now, this isn't new. he once told me that he's never experianced as much pleasure from sex as from solving a difficult math problem.

certainly, i know far too much about my father's love life. no question about that. but i find it sad that he's never had truly satisfying sex, never had sex that's better than math (i mean, i LOVE math, but...).

speaking of which, my dad's latest woman is coming from yugoslavija on the 15th. i keep frogetting, because these things never last. i'm mostly getting uneasy with possibly having to share shelf space - no one gets on my shelves, biatch.

oh i hate this!

sitting at my desk all afternoon, trying to concentrate on "a portrait of the artist as a young man" (which would be a good book, were the essay not due on tuesday), through my open window come enticing wafts of cool spring air and hot sunshine. and all i want to do is leap out the window and run and fly into that glorious vastness, into that huge, clean, beautiful world, to allow all my petty worries and responsibilities to evaporate.

but i can't. i have to stay bound to my desk, and read this impossible book, and pray i can finish by 9ish so that i can still write the essay tonight. and after all, i had fun on friday, and an amazing day on saturday... so i guess it's fair. but it still doesn't seem right that i should be locked inside on a day like today.