Exams are done. I'm gonna need to go beg my Electromagnetism prof to pass me. Oh well, such is life.

Fetish Masquerade last weekend was fabulous, as usual.

Here's hoping for a great winter break...

Something Amusing:
The other day I was flipping through channels, when I came across some awards show. The award for most surprising news event of the year went to North Korea testing a nuke. An American comedian made the comment, "So North Korea has nuclear weapons, we have no choice but to invade... Indonesia."

Something Creepy:
My dad has a fuck-buddy.

Something Practical:
I've updated my schedule, in order to make it easier for people to stalk me over the holidays. I'm very thoughtful like that.

Something Conceited:
My birthday is in six weeks! Buy gift now!!!

As it turns out, a five hour car ride isn't so bad if you sing the whole way.
Bonus points if you are filled to the brim with sugar and caffeine.

The weekend in Windsor was awesome. We arrived late on Friday night and went for Bubble Tea, as is our tradition. On Saturday the girls and I went shopping (I bought some shoes for work and some nice fettishy clothes). When we got home, we made dinner and went out to a club. It wasn't bad - I've definitely had worse times at clubs. I even danced to a few songs.

On Sunday we slept in, made breakfast, tickled each other, and then I fell back asleep. When I woke up it was time to make dinner, which turned out fantastically.

I'm so pleased that we decided to buy groceries and cook our own meals rather than eating out: This trip was a lot cheaper than the ones before it.

The pornography we made this weekend will soon be available on the Internet.

Holy Jesus, that's a lot of weather!

Embraced in the warm bosom of Southern Ontario as we are, we've forgotten that this time of year can be anything other than mild and pleasant. Then a day like today happens, when the wind utterly destroys your umbrella, ruins your hair and dampens your spirits (Not so much that last one, but I though it sounded dramatic).

I can't wait to go home, snuggle into bed with Darian and read Im Krebsgang.

Heading off to Windsor today, and to a weekend of friend-soaked bliss. Exactly what one needs on a day like today.

I just ordered some music. ^_^ It is on its way, and I am happy.

Last night I was in the local Pizza Pizza with Joyce, waiting for our order. I was wearing my new and fabulous bullet belt (If you are unfamiliar with the bullet belt, it looks exactly like this one). A middle-aged guy came up and asked me if they were real bullets, to which I answered, "Yes, of course!" I was going to add something witty to that about collecting them out of the bodies of my enemies, but he vanished before I could.

A few moments later, I was coming back from the bathroom and I ran into the same guy again. He turned and said to me: "I thought Cupid worked with arrows."

Joyce insisted I put that on the Internet.

My weekend was fantastic. There was free opera, there was Indian food, there was a bullet belt, there was Funhaus. Please, ask me about it when you get the chance, I love to gush.

Once more, music has more than made up for the absence of a lover. Baby, you can touch me with your tainted love any time.

Last Sunday night, I got home from watching Borat with Sean, and didn’t feel like going to bed yet. To sooth my savage soul, I chose music.

Every once in a while, I give myself a Ramm-o-fest, where I listen to every Rammstein album, in order. I’d just finished spending a few days with both Herzeleid and Sehnsucht. Mutter was next, an album I usually think of as unspectacular and uninteresting. I almost skipped over it, but decided to give it a go, in favour of continuity.

Sometimes I amaze myself with how wrong I am.

The only reason I don’t care much for Mutter is that it was the first Rammstein album I ever bought, and I spent months and months during high school listening to nothing else. The same twelve songs looped ad infinitum.

It was, naturally, this album that swayed my musical tastes in the direction they have since taken.

After not having heard it in a long time, I was shocked by Mutter. I was acoustically assaulted, subjugated and dominated. I fell victim to elemental forces.

I was particularly amazed by the guitar parts. They were a solid wall of pure emotion; they were weapons more than instruments. They were lovers more than sounds.

I found myself wishing that the sound of my voice could be like that, that when I opened my mouth guitar riffs would come out.

Alright kids, it’s time for the latest installment of “Things that Piss Vega Off!”

What’s the deal with all the people ragging on the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty? I am getting so sick of reading articles by people who feel that, because Dove has made a stack of money off of this campaign, it is evil and Dove is the devil. If they turn a profit, then clearly the people at Dove never really cared about women’s self-image.

No one sympathizes with the Left more than me, but sometimes I think that Leftists know lots about relationships and human rights, and jack-shit about economics. I well imagine the people who have a problem with this campaign are people who’ve never read any philosophical works dealing with economics, save for the Cole’s Notes version of Das Kapital. They seem to think that money is evil in-and-of itself, no matter how it is earned or how it is used. If Dove made two million dollars from this campaign, that’s two million pure-evil-points, and the CEO of Dove is probably masturbating using the bodies of dead kittens even as we speak.

The key is choice. We have the right to choose what we buy or don’t buy. If the messege a product is sending is positive, we have the right to buy is as a means of expressing that we support it. No one is forced to buy Dove products, but they chose to do so, as free-willed, self-determined adults. And what’s wrong with that?

Anyone want to go to Savage Garden on Friday? Industrial night, no cover.

By popular demand, I’ve decided to describe the events of Thursday, October 26.

I met up with Adnan, Kevin, Moonal and Shaila and we went to College St. to get some eats and celebrate Adnan’s birthday. After we got our food, we sat down and started to eat. I chomped down, and then screamed in agony as I bit into something hard. I spit it out to find it was a cockroach… made of gold! I went to the guy behind the counter and explained what happened. He told me that by finding the Golden Cockroach, I had won the privilege to a tour of the kitchens. Being as kindhearted as I am, I gave my prize to Adnan. He went into the kitchen, and the rest of us kept eating.

After a while, we heard the most bloodcurdling scream you can imagine. We jumped to our feet, and ran into the kitchen. There, on a large stainless steel table, was Adnan. Standing over him was a man in a white lab coat, with wild, frizzy hair and thick glasses. In his hands, he held a needle and thread. He was laughing manically.

Adnan sat up, and we saw what had happened: The man had sewn huge swan wings onto Adnan’s back.

Kevin was totally grossed out. He said: “Ew, I can’t date some dinky old chicken boy,” and then he proceeded to give me sloppy make outs.

Adnan promptly died of sadness.

THE END.

I tried to post this on Monday, but Blogger was all like Ah em Bloggah, heah me ror! So here it is:

The Greg-Adnan-Halloween-Birthday Spectacular

On Saturday night, I frantically finished putting on my makeup. It took far longer than I expected – I guess it’s been so long since I’ve worn my ears, I forgot how long it takes. In addition to them was a pile of glitter and gems, photographs of which will soon be available.

People on the subway stared at me as if they didn’t know what time of year it is. I ran into Adnan, Kevin, Moonal and Greg at Osgoode, and we went to East! where we were joined by Sean, Miranda and John. I had the Cantonese wonton for the sole reason that it contained pork, and I’ve recently been really into pork. I’m sure this will lead to my untimely death.

At the last minute, we decided to go to Fez Batik, where I got to watch a girl get fingered by a guy she had just met. I guess it wasn’t their fault: They could not restrain their urges after watching Pirates, which was being played near the dance floor (Yes, that Pirates).

We got to Adnan’s place at some ungodly hour, and Sean and Adz played Mortal Combat for a while (I tried too, but I sucked and so I soon grew bored of it).

The next morning, Adnan and I rushed to get dressed and ready to go to the Eid party. Once we got there, I had a great time. Much talking to awesome people was had, as well as much admiring of everyone’s gorgeous saris and jewelry. The music was way too loud, and I got a headache from having to yell very loudly about why we should boycott Chinese products.

All in all, a very effective weekend.

In other, less suggestively feminist news, I got job (Come to think of it, that's pretty feminist...). I'll be working at Laura Secords at Younge Station. Go team!

Lastly, I thought the October 29th entry at Arndt Peltner's blog was charming. He sounds like he just had some ouzo.

Mind over Matter

On Friday, I handed in the take-home midterm I had for PDE’s. There were eight questions on the test. On the single sheet of paper that I handed to the Math Department secretary, I had solved one.

I think this is the worst I have ever done on any test in my life.

I got on the subway and was reading the Metro when I came across a study that had been done. A group of girls were all told that boys do better on math tests than girls by about 5%. Half the girls were told that this is because boys have better natural number sense, and the other half were told that this is because teachers and parents encourage boys to do better in math. All the girls were then given a math test.
The half that were told that boys are socialized to do better preformed very well, while their peers did very poorly.

It occurred to me that I was living proof of this. I had been getting a B+ in this course (based on problem sets), but the moment the prof said it would be a take-home test and thus harder than a regular one, I started to panic that I couldn’t do it, that it would be way beyond my abilities. And so it was.

Later today, I will have a midterm for Modern Symbolic Logic. I think that it will be a joke, an easy A if ever there was one.

If I do indeed do well on tonight’s test, I will proceed to change my study habits by first assuming that it’s all very easy. Who knows, it might work.

Arjunaaa!

I was sitting on the subway on Friday, reading about a very interesting psychology experiment in the Metro, as I made my way to Etobicoke.

I went to Adnan’s and we watched more Sex and the City than is good for us (Damn you Richard, you dog!). When we were just about to start running late, we got dressed. I put on the very first garment I’ve ever had made just for me: a lovely dark blue sari. Shim came to pick us up, and we were off to the show.

We had fantastic seats – First in the front and to the side, and then we switched to further back but dead centre. The show was wonderful, in my opinion the best since Bishma. It did go on for hours and hours (four-and-a-half of them, in fact) but it was worth every minute. The battle scenes were hilarious terrifying and there were several romantic moments that made us blush. It was bright, colourful, and spectacular.

It was followed with yummy yummy Lahore Tikka House!

In Other News

I lost.

So I was in the shower last night, and I got this great big gob of conditioner in my ear, and I thought "Wow, I haven't had so much goop in my ear since my last date."

Ba-dum-bah Schhhh...

And on that note: When it rains, it pours.

I am a better person today because I attended the Funhaus's Fetish Masquerade Night on Saturday.

I went with Miranda, John, Paul, Veronica and some of Veronica's friends.

The music was amazing and I just didn't want to stop dancing. I had to force myself to sit down once in a while and have some water. Towards the end, my knees started to hurt from overuse, but it was even fun just sitting around, looking at what people were wearing, and watching the lesbian bondage porn being projected onto the walls.

A couple consisting of a very fine lady and a ridiculously, superhumanly attractive guy engaged in some S&M on stage. I never realized how much of an art there is to it, and how intricate it can be.

I absolutely can't wait to do it again!

Is anyone planning on ordering anything from Amazon.ca which costs more than $19.99? I desperately want to order Eisbrecher's Antikörper, but I also want to get free shipping. If we order together, we can make it happen!

I forgot to mention this earlier, but better late than never:

Anwar Sadat has died.
He was not killed by Islamic Fundamentalists, but by a scale fungus (It is still undetermined whether or not the fungus was an Islamic Fundamentalist).
It is suspected that he got the fungus from Darian, who drank out of Anwar's bowl on a regular basis. This means that, contrary to my expectations, the cat killed the fish.

Fortunately, the people at Amazon.ca have finally shipped Glaubeliebetod to me, so I will be able to drown my sorrows in Oomph!.

ARGHH!!!

I just spent an hour downloading MSN Messenger, only to find I couldn't install it because I don't have Windows XP!

I hate dial-up, and I hate that my dad's cheapness extends to every facet of life.

Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

You know that scene where Joel and Clementine are under the covers, and the light filtering through is all orange? She says: "When I was little, my favorite doll was this old Raggedy Anne doll. I used to pick her up and shake her, and yell at her 'Why are you so ugly! Don't be ugly!'" Clementine starts to cry, and as Joel begins to reach out for her, the memory is ripped away, and he's clawing at the sheets and saying “Let me just keep this one.”

He was wrong.

Yesterday, some bad things happened.

First, even though we have Internet access at home, it is crappy. In fact, it is crappier than I remembered it to be, because I was unable to listen to Radio Goethe: Every time I started, the stupid thing lost the connection. Arg.

Then, I was all psyched because yesterday was the first Tuesday since getting cable again - which meant House! 9 o'clock came and went. The TV Guide channel insisted that it should be on. The Global TV website insisted it should be on. But it was not.

Then today, some good things happened.

I was woken by the thunderstorm at about 6 a.m. I could hear Darian pacing around, anxious, so I let him in my room and got some nice snuggles with my kitty.

Then, I wore a short skirt to class, and the physics boys seemed to like it. This put me in a rather good mood.

And just now, I discovered the video for Eisbrecher's Vergissmeinnight is online (and can be seen here or here in the Musik section). As soon as I'm at a computer where I can both listen to sound and watch video, this will be very sweet.

It is important to appreciate the little things in life.

Go to this link. It will make you happier than you’ve ever been in your life.

You know what else will make you happy? The look on my face when I buy Eisbrecher’s Antikörper, which will be released on October 10th.

I’m pretty sure I wanted to say something in particular… but now I can’t remember.

Boobies.

Wirst du mich nie verstehen?
Wirst du denn nie verstehen?
Hast du noch nie gesehen...
wie meine augen glitzern?

-Diary of Dreams, "Traumtanzer"

Meep! Bad elf, bad! Ignoring your blog like that.

In my defense, I just have a delightful two weeks, and it is a scientifically proven fact that happy people are very bad at keeping journals. This coupled with the fact that I didn’t have Internet access at home (and still don’t) made for a bit of a drought.

My past two weeks have mostly been filled with hanging out with various friends, spiced up with the occasional studying. My new courses are all fine, except for German Culture. I had been debating dropping it and taking something else, but I’ve decided to stick to it.

I am now the proud owner of a head of black hair. I need to get some pictures taken, to show my mom. I hope she likes it better than my dad did: He said I look like a which.

On the 16th, I went to the Savage Garden for the first time, and had a fantastic time. It was everything I could ever want out of a night out: the music was dead on what I liked, the people were relaxed, unpretentious and free – and all dressed like the sex. I desperately want to go back.

Last Friday I had my Fancy Pants/Pajama Pants housewarming party, which I think went fairly well despite being somewhat under populated.

My dad got home on Sunday, and I’m already a little more stressed. I got so used to things being were I liked them. Now, there’s a bicycle in the living room, Darian’s litter box is not out of the way like I wanted it, but out in full view, there’s all sorts of junk in the living room, a computer in the dining room table, and coffee remains all over the stove (because, of course, as THE MAN OF THE HOUSE, he has no obligation to clean anything up that he spills). One other thing that deeply annoyed me is that I woke up to find he had left a bunch of cans of food out for me to cook. This bothered me for three reasons: 1) I had already planned what I was going to make today. 2) He wants me to use up the canned food, which can last forever, and not the fresh produce that’ll go bad in a few days? And 3) What the hell am I supposed to do with chick peas, regular peas, and diced tomatoes!?!?

He also did some stupid stuff over e-mail, but I’m getting way too stressed out thinking about all this, so I should get going.

For the sake of leaving on a positive note, I’ll share with you last week’s Conversation of the Week:

Me: Jerod, what are you and your lovely lady doing this Friday night?
Mubdi: She’s going to invite you to an orgy: Say no!
Jerod: She’s going to invite me to an orgy, so I should say no?

The end.

I was in Rome, on a plane accelerating down the runway. I could hear the jet engines turn on, and knew that at any moment I would feel that sudden rush as the laws of physics came together in a most miraculous way to lift thousands of pounds of metal and flesh into the air.

Then the engines turned off, the brake flaps came up, the plane stopped. It taxied back to the airport, where I spent five hours pacing and doing Sudoku puzzles. I got home to find that my wonderful Boiz had spent this time patiently waiting for me, and I felt wonderful for having such great friends. Then I opened the fridge, and felt awful for having such a cheap father.

He had turned off the fridge, in order to conserve energy while we were gone - a good idea in and of itself, were there not for the fact that there were some carrots and potatoes in the vegetable crisper. The whole thing was covered in mold and reeked. It wasn't particularly hard to clean, but it was a task I'd rather not have had.

One event of note that I ought to mention is that on September 2, half-a-gross of Janics, Janjics, Bojovics* and other -ics got together for our first ever family reunion. I wasn't surprised by the number of people, I had been expecting that, but I was delighted to see how many young people there were. I had a great time, and I have to admit that, once in a while, my father has a good idea.

If you need to reach me in the next two weeks, you should call. I have no internet at home (I also have no TV, which means no House -_- ). Now I'm gonna go home and put my jetlagged bones to bed.

* The Bojovics are my paternal grandmothers family members. The Janjics are a delightful sect of the Janics who, no kidding, got that name when their patriarch was born, and the wrong name was recorded on his birth certificate. They are, of course, from the same family as my grandfather. I'll post pics and a family tree some time.

Last night, after I finished agreeing with Matt about the rain stopping and summer ending, and how sad it all was, I stepped out onto the street, and was met by a gust of wind. It cut through my clothes and skin, wound its way between my veins, found my bones, and froze them. I smiled. It felt good to feel cold again. Summer is an illusion; it warps one’s vision and sense of time. And though it can be terribly luxurious and comfortable, it isn’t real. To feel the chill, to know that one must act to stay alive, that is what’s real.
I can’t wait for winter.

I woke up this morning to find the rain had ended, the sun had some out, and it was a perfect 23 degrees. I was conscious at eleven, but I stayed in bet until two, watching a delightful Woody Allen movie on TV and nibbling on dark chocolate. I was alone, my mom having gone out for work hours earlier. I snuggled down into the blankets, laughed, and thought I am the luckiest girl in the world!

I took my time showering and getting ready. My mom’s apartment is tiny, but just the right size for one person. It made me think of some fabulous Sex and the City lifestyle, a tiny apartment for a girl who can’t afford any bigger, as she spends all her money on shoes. I wished for one just like it, for myself, only in downtown Toronto.

Once I left the apartment, I came to realize just how gorgeous it was outside. Once I got to the city centre, I decided to get a hamburger from a street vendor (and these things are unlike any hamburger you’ve ever had, they are like heaven on earth) and explore the city.

I walked aimlessly in whatever direction looked most appealing at the time. It’s the first time I’ve ever really looked at this city, and it is beautiful. They’ve changed a lot of street names in recent years, removing all remnants of the Communist era, and replacing them with the names of monarchs and poets. I used to live on the Boulevard of the Revolution, and despite what that sign says, I always will. The streets are beautiful, and old, and dirty, and depressed, and elated. They are precious, and I love them.

I listened for a while to a trio of North American aboriginals singing and dancing in the street. I studied their faces for a long time, trying to see if they were merely Gypsies in costume, but their noses were too wide: They were the real thing.

They’re playing Evanescence in the cyber café as I type. It has been a perfect day.

Impressions of the Motherland

Grandma: You want some sugar in your coffee?
Vit: No, my daughter says that's bad for your health. All that white stuff is bad: Sugar, flour...
Nik: Cocaine...

Thanks to "the evil ifluence of rotten capitalism," the city is cleaner and more beutiful than I ever remembered it being. They've re-done the many of the major streets, including the one my grandparents live one, seperating space for cars from space for pedestrians, and replacing concrete with tiles and brick. It looks terribly lovely, especially since the trees and flowers are in bloom. And, becuase it's been raining for days, it looks tragic.

That big "family reuinion" will take place this Saturday, and word is that we've managed to round up about seventy relatives to attend. After that, I'll be going to Bela Crkva to see my mom's family for a few days.

My mom and I are getting along a lot better than last winter: I feel like we're actually communicating as human beings, rather than just going shopping so that she can buy my love.

I am growing fat on cake and ice cream. I would be happy, were my brain not filled with the problems of Torontonians.

I have triumphantly returned form the America!

Sean and I departed sometime after 11p.m. on Thursday night. We took an overnight bus, which should have deposited us in Albany NY at 9a.m. on Friday. However, due to a delay at the border, we missed our transfer in Syracuse, and consequently didn’t reach Albany until… later. I lost track of time. Maybe noon?

Matt and Brandor met us there, and we drove to Gloucester. We were well fed by the Murrays, and we then joined the hyper-organism known as the Homies for… SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!
It was, as expected, a very unique experience. Had I seen this movie by myself, I would have concluded that it was further evidence of the deterioration of our society. Because I was in a movie theater full of young men, it was wonderful: Everyone cheered, groaned, laughed, screamed, and made no effort to keep their witty comments to themselves. It was more like watching a movie in a friend’s basement than a theatre.

We spent Saturday exploring Gloucester. At night, we went to a club in Boston. It occurred to me that I have a lot more fun at clubs that don’t play rock: That way, I have no expectations to get disappointed.

On Sunday we drove to Cape Cod, where stayed with the Taylors. Sadly, Katt and Eric only stayed a little while, long enough for us to have dinner and admire Katt’s engagement ring. ^_^ It’s pretty. Matt made us some amazing swordfish steaks, and we stayed up watching Black Adder (well, I didn’t stay up too much, but apparently the guys kept going long after me, and had some adventures).

I need to take a moment to say how awesome the Taylors are. They were so warm and friendly, every one of them, and made me feel right at home.

Monday was the Matt’s birthday. We drove around and met up with his friends, and I really can’t keep track of where we went and whom we met.

Because we would be taking a very early bus the next day, I stayed up all night in Mike Kilduff’s garage attic with Brandor and Brendan, and had a great time of it. Sean and Matt both passed out at one point or another, but I managed to pull my first all-nighter ever. Go me! The endeavor was made easier by the sick, disgusting, vulgar and delightful conversations I was having. ^_^

We got to Boston and some ungodly hour of the morning (possibly 7), and Sean and I rushed to get aboard, whereupon we spent the rest of the day on busses, until we got home at about 10 last night.

We had an awesome time, and I can’t wait to do it again.

Vega's Fool-Proof Method
for Seducing any Man

1. Make eye contact. Hold for a few moments.
2. Coyly look away, smiling.
3. Promptly fall over.

In other news, my linear algebra exam was so so much better than I expected. I thought I was going to bomb it, but I was able to do almost all of it. Go team!

Let's hope groups + symmetries is even better.

And then I'm going to Massachusetts!

Daily Life Stuff
Despite my best efforts, I have found myself in an Exam Cocoon. Fortunately, I found another sucker taking Lin Alg II who is in the same boat as me, so at least I'm not alone in this cocoon. I'm starting to get really freaked out about the exams, and am even developing some stress-pimples. I mean, WTF, that's never happened before!

Music Stuff
I am going nuts waiting for the new Eisbrecher. They just posted the second single off of the new album on their website, and it was so so good.
Conversely, I am so sad about JJ72. They broke up a little while back, despite having a whole album finished and ready to go. Last night I was listening to Eye to Sky while studying, and when Formulae came on, I got off my chair and started jumping and spinning around and singing along at the top of my voice (my dad was out). Mark Greaney is so damn brilliant, and his music is just absolutely transcendent. It had that quality of "poetic logic," where the words don't really make literal sense, but they somehow come together and create this powerful emotional tidal wave. I'll miss that.

Introspective Stuff
... I miss a lot of things right now. I'm glad summer is ending, and that I won't be here to see that end. After thinking about it, I suddenly feel too near, and too hurt. I need the Atlantic Ocean and my grandma's cooking and my grandfather's eyes. And maybe then I'll be far away enough.

Aah! Aah! Aah! This week's Radio Goethe features the full version of Eisbrecher's new single! It is like liquid sex!

In other music-related business, I have finally done it: I have ordered some new CDs. I had originally planned on getting a bunch of Oomph!, but then decided to diversify. I have ordered Glaubeliebetod by Oomph!, Coded Message 12 by [:SITD:], and Freak Perfume by Diary of Dreams. I am all tingly with anticipation of their arrival – though that will probably happen while I’m away. Well, in the worst case, I’ll have a lovely treat waiting for me when I get home.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I need to get going, to run a stack of errands for my dad – which would be a lot easier if I had a Metropass!

The latest installment of the annual “Mandy’s End-of-Summer BBQ” series happened on Friday night. The event was dutifully recorded, the fruits of which may be found here.

It was, as usual, a fabulous event, marked by good food, good friends, and the biggest cuddle-orgy in recent memory. The tent-idea, which was rained out last year, was met with the highest of praise.

The atmosphere was thick with love.

I believe the technical term is: "Damn, I wanna hit that."

Phase one of The Plan has been set into motion, albeit a lot earlier than I had planned.

Now that it is underway, I'm not so sure of the likelihood that I'll succeed. However, if there is one thing I believe in, it's perseverance. I will see this thing as far as I can.

The Weekend

Friday: I made my way to Etobicoke, were I met with Miranda. We did some grocery shopping (pictures of the whole weekend are here), then picked up Mitul. We got back on the 401, and headed out for Presqu’ile.

We arrived a few hours later, and began setting up camp. Then our first misfortune hit: the locking mechanism on the trunk of the car broke. We quickly agreed that freaking out about it would be pointless, so we would just make some dinner. Then the second misfortune: the wood we had bought was wet, and absolutely would not burn. So we gave up on dinner, and just tucked in to S’mores, chips and salsa, and similar junk food. We then laid out on the grass, and feasted our souls on the star-filled night sky.

Saturday: For some reason beyond my understanding, the girls woke up at 6 or 7 a.m. and expected me to do the same. I made disgruntled noises, and they went out for a walk. They came back a few hours later, we made eggs for breakfast on the camping stove, and decided to drive into town to bet some veggies and rope for the car.

The town of Brighton was adorable beyond words. The shops were almost all small, independently owned places, the houses and streets were very cute. After we got back to Presqu’ile, we went for a walk to see the second oldest lighthouse in Canada. As we were returning to the camp site, it started to rain. We dove into the tent, and napped.

A few hours later we got up, saw that it was sunny and beautiful, and decided to make lunch. We lit up the stove and started boiling water for some mac-and-cheese. During this process, it started to rain again. I decided that I wasn’t gonna let the weather boss me around, so I took out an umbrella and stood there stirring the mac-and-chesse, while it rained buckets around me. We dove into the tent, are our lunch, and napped again.

We woke up a few hours later, and went for a walk. When we came back to the camp site… it stared to rain again. We made sandwiches in the tent, and it stopped raining. By this point, everything outside was so wet that there was no point in leaving the tent, so we… fell asleep.

Sunday: The wood finally dried out, and we made a fire. Many deaths. We had some adventures in cooking over flame, and then went to the beach. I was having my period this weekend, so the beach excursion requited my using a tampon for the first time in my life. I won’t get into any more detail about that right now, since it is probably not an appropriate topic for the blog medium, but suffice to say I was deeply disturbed. We came back about an hour later to pack up our camp site, and returned to the beach. It was absolutely gorgeous, and felt like being at the ocean. That damn lake is just so big, it doesn’t seem like it could possibly end. We swam around a bit and laid out in the sun a lot, and had a wonderful time.

As we were getting into the car, I realized that I had sustained sever burns to my legs. They got worse and worse as the day wore on, and I now feel as though I’d left my legs in an oven. I’m rubbing on aloe vera constantly, and I hope I will recover soon.

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend. Every time we ran into difficulties we maintained a positive attitude, and consequently we never got snappy with one another. It was absolutely beautiful out there, and we need to do something like that again.

Then I got home, and Marcos dumped me again.

The other day, I saw an interview with Peaches of TV. I only knew of her through reputation, and after the interview I was curious for more. I looked up form of the lyrics of her songs, which I found were not nearly as scandalous as I had expected – though I imagine it all sounds worse if sung the right way.

The site I was looking at had links to various other artists’ lyrics pages in the sidebar, and the one that caught my eye was Dashboard Confessional.

I miss Dashboard. I used to listen to him a lot, back when I could download music. Many of his songs were the background music for various parts of my life. Some songs, like Hands Down are still deeply intertwined in my mind with certain moments and the things I felt at the time.

Another one is So Impossible:

So Impossible
Dashboard Confessional

So she says
"Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come
with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things like..
Do you do you like dishing the dirt
on the whole class,
or talking the big smack,
pr playing the fool;
or wearing all of the latest fashions,
or bucking the new trends
wearing your old threads.
Or if you like coffee in the evening.
These are a few things
that I'd like to know"

So I say...
"I've been scheduled to work, but I'll call in.
And my friend isn't busy,
he'd be happy to join me.
And maybe my friend
and your friend
will hit it off…
or maybe… we will?"

I'm dying to know
do you do you like dreaming of things
so impossible, or only the practical,
or ever the wild?
Or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about?
And do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just
don't quite fit in?
Yeah, do you like them?
So yes, I'll see you there.

The Storm

I’d been out in Etobicoke with Miranda and Mitul, swimming at Memorial Pool. Miranda and I got in the car, and she was going to drop me off at Royal York.

As we got into the car and I finished the sentence I was saying, a flash of lightning lit up the sky. No thunder followed, no rain fell. We drove down Dundas and cut across Montgomery. As we did, the lights went out. They seemed to periodically flicker back on, but then went back off. Miranda had her high beams on - in the city. It was pitch black.

The wind was starting to blow fiercely. As we were going down Montgomery, a branch whacked the side of the car, giving us both a start. On Bloor, there was dust everywhere. Pylons from the road construction were blowing around, and we hoped not to get hit by road signs.

I didn’t want to go home. I was worried that the electricity would go out on the subway, and I didn’t like the idea of being on the train in such high wind. We went to Miranda’s house. Tree branches were coming down everywhere. A big one had fallen on her street, and we had to get out to pull it out of the way.

The whole thing felt wrong. It felt unnatural. We both had the gut feeling that things were off. When we had to get out of the car to pull the tree branch out of the road, I hated being outside. I realize it sounds ridiculous, but I feared that there would be wind demons out there. When we got to Miranda’s place, I ran into the house. About then, the rain started falling.

The news was telling people to go into their basements, so to be protected from any falling branches. They also said that the front of the storm was already in the East End, but I didn’t feel safe going home. I slept over.

In the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the bathroom. I felt as if someone were lying next to me. When I got back to bed, I reached my hands across it, into the darkness, but felt nothing.

... And then, on Friday, we got back together.
What a wacky world.

I had lots more to say about bleeding homeless people, the Fringe Festival and Goth clothes, but that'll have to wait.

1) Despite your complete lack of enthusiasm, I will be hitting the Toronto Fringe Festival tomorrow. My plan for the day is Real Time at 2:15, Love Songs from Unlikely Places at 5:15 and Courage (The Red Shift) at 9:30. Funding for this program was provided by my fabulously generous father. You can read descriptions of each play at the festival website, and if you want to join me, I’d be more than pleased to have you. I also intend to visit Ryerson during the day and finally learn about their journalism program. I have a sneaky suspicion they will tell me to go look at their website.

2) New VAST in October!

3) I have learned that hooker boots + downtown = bad idea. The men around these parts seem to think that sexy footwear is an invitation. I was hit on a total of four times yesterday, including :::shudder::: by a frosh who was on campus doing an orientation.

4) I made aloo gobi last night. I think it needs more spices, because it turns out that a whole head of cauliflower is a lot of vegetable. It was mostly yummy, if a bit bland, and I stopped by a local Indian restaurant and got some paratas and had a wonderful breakfast.

5) Need to get some of those store-bought frozen paratas. Those things are too good for words.

6) Talked to Katt last night!

7) Course registrations for fall term are on Monday. It looks like I’ll have a very nice schedule with lots of free time. Sadly, the Tibetan Buddhism course I wanted to take has been cancelled. I don’t know if I should wait until next year and try to take it, or fill the time with something else, like a philosophy course in Marxism? I need another half-credit third year course, and it’s a bit tricky to find something that doesn’t have a prerequisite. I figure, a philosophy course, especially in something like Marxism, will be ridiculously easy, and a good way to make that requirement.

8)Seeing Adnan today!

Marcos and I broke up last night.

I'm in a theatre-going mood.

A friend from German 300 just e-mailed me, informing me that a play he wrote is being presented by the Toronto Fringe Festival. It's called Love Songs From Unlikely Places, and will be running from this Wednesday to the 16th (Wed Jul 5 @ 6:30 pm, Fri Jul 7 @ 10:30 pm, Sun Jul 9 @ 1:15 pm, Mon Jul 10 @ 8:15 pm,Tue Jul 11 @ 1:00 pm, Fri Jul 14 @ 5:15 pm, Sun Jul 16 @ 7:00 pm). The gist of the play is that a corpse falls in love with the medical student who dissects it. Tickets are $10.

Wanna come?

I am also interested in any number of other plays that will be presented at the festival, so if you see something you like, let me know.

Friday, June 23: I began Friday morning by suddenly remembering that I have no resume, and hurriedly writing a new one. I ran down to Noah’s, only to find the place closed, and my rushed resume to have been in vain. I then went to the Eaton Centre, where Josh and I spent a few hours hanging out and buying gifts for Katt (yay Katt!). I got home about 45 minutes later than I said I would, and as a result my dad had left without me – meaning yet another day with no bed. On the plus side, I did get to go hand in that resume, thought I think I probably waited way too long, and really should have done it last week. That evening, my dad and I went to see Cirque du Soleil at the ACC. It was a lovely experience, and the music was beautiful.

Saturday, June 24: I got up and early, and my dad and I finally went and bought a new bed for me. I then went to tutor Jean-Pierre. Afterwards, I met up with Mitul, and later with Sean and Greg. We had dinner at the Magic Spot, where they feed you like an Old World grandmother, meaning the attitude is “I don’t want to hear you complaining about being hungry later!” After dinner, I met up with Marcos.

Sunday, June 25: I went for tutoring, and then met Adnan, Greg and Miranda at Islington and we went down for the Parade. We watched from College and Younge, and we took several measures to make this year better than last: we stood on the shady side of the street, and we had water guns. The water guns proved to be more than we could responsibly handle. Many deaths. I saw more penises on that day than during my entire life prior to that day, and we got to spray David Millar and Jack Layton. There was also endless discussion of whom we would or would not do.
Sean joined up with us during the parade, and we went for dinner at Richtree, where Mitul also joined up. After dinner, we returned to Boytown, where we spent some time enjoying the outdoor clubbing scene. We eventually went back to Etobicoke, and since my dad was MIA, I took the liberty of sleeping at Marcos’s.

Monday, June 26: I had promised myself that I would spend the day studying, but I ended up spending the day hanging out with Marcos. He assembled my new bed! I am still sleeping on a mattress on the floor, as the bed has no cross beams, but I feel a lot better psychologically now that everything is in it’s place. Sean met up with us in the afternoon, and next thing I knew the sun had set, my dad and Marcos were having drinks while I cooked, and no studying was done whatsoever.

Today: I would very much like to study, as I have a midterm this week. I would also like to meet Jerod and Sarah for lunch, go to a few banks, buy a pie pan, make cookies, channa masala, and lemon meringue pie. As you can see, I am a busy girl.

The Move has happened: I am now an Annex elf.

Last Friday the new place was painted, and I thank Adnan, Paul, Sean, Miranda, Mitul, Greg and Marcos for their help (or for just being there, as the case may be). I hardly slept that night, and ended up getting up ridiculously early on Saturday morning to finish packing. My dad and I moved all the stuff out of the apartment and into the hall – at which point we realized that the people who were supposed to help us move were not going to show up. Fortunately, my dad was able to get two of his friends to come help load the truck, and I managed to reel in James and Constantine to unload.

We are, of course, not fully settled in yet. Pictures are still not hung on the walls, and I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but all of that will be resolved soon enough. In the meantime, I still can’t quite believe where I am living: I wake up in the morning and think I am in my fabulous downtown apartment!

So yesterday I tried to post, but then Blogger when all "Oh, ah em Blogga! Ah em so froo-froo!" and ate my post. I will now try again:

Only four days until The Move! I don't know how this thing snuck up on me so fast but it's almost here. Almost all of my stuff is packed up, with only a handful of clothes, toiletries and school stuff left out. Miranda and I bought the new paint colours on Sunday (My dad flipped out when he found out how much I spent. Yelling and throwing things ensued. He won't reimburse me the cost... But I just thought of a plan for how to deal with that. ^_^)

On Saturday, the Girls, Sean and I wandered into the Apple Store at the Eaton Centre. I creamed my pants on being exposed to so much RAM. So much RAM... in such sleek packaging. We took advantage of some of their webcams and image warping software. A sample of the result is to your left, more can be found here. I want to stress something here: It's not that we took a pic and then warped it. Instead, the software warps the image as you pose. ::: significant nod :::

Music Stuff:
1) Radio Goethe continues to rock. Aside from this week’s show, which includes tracks from In Extremo, Subway to Sally and Tanzwut, Arndt also posted an 8-minute interview with Sascha Konietzko, a.k.a. Kapt'n K from KMFDM.
2) I happened to wander onto the JJ72 home page while my speakers were on, which allowed me to hear the samples of their new songs that play when you enter the site. I’ve heard all of these before, but I was reminded of how awesome they are. I so desperately want their new record to come out… what the hell is Mark Greaney doing!?

Happy 6/6/06! I hope you engage in some ritual sex magik tonight. If you don't do that sort of thing, watch The Hour instead, where the whole episode will be dedicated to evil (I can hardly wait for the cheeky political references).

I suppose the most tantalizing bit of news I have for all you people in Internet-Land is that I have been taken off the market by Marcos. It was he who inspired the "Boys suck" posts of May 28 and 30. Fortunately, he reduced his suckage, and now we're dating. Yay!

Less tantalizing for you, but still exciting for me, is the fact that my Lemon Meringue Pie experiment was a huge success. I think I may even make it again some time soon.

I have made an important decision: After moving, I am going to saturate myself with Oomph! by buying Plastik, Ego and Glaubeliebetod. That's just the way I roll.

Speaking of the move, it seems that time is becoming very scarce in the next two weeks. Whatever plans I try to make seem to be foiled by other responsibilities. The only hope for me is random, spontaneous social events. Fortunately, those seem to be abundant these days.

Did you know I have a motto? I do. I acquired it several years ago on a trip to the Motherland. I had been spending a lot of time with my mom and her friend Misha. Like many adults, he found me to be an unusually mature, intelligent and enlightened child. Adults were always good that way: They were always better able to appreciate me than people my own age.

Misha was particularly impressed with my ability to speak my mind (even in my very weak Serbian) without regard for what other people might think of it. He told me “You really are a Free Vega.”

It is a very troublesome motto. It is not in the imperative – no one is asking you to Free Vega. And it certainly doesn’t mean that I am free-of-charge. It means “This Vega is a liberated Vega.”

I periodically rediscover my motto, and use it as my MSN name, or write it on some part of my body. It is especially likely to happen in the summer, when I become introspective.

It used to be that in the summer I would get a very acute need to run away, to walk and walk and never stop. I seem to have mostly grown out of this in the past few years. Maybe that’s because I’ve come to realize that the solution to my problems is not somewhere else, but inside of me.

So instead of running away, I spend my summer’s thinking: How can I become a more authentic Vega? A freer Vega?

Did you know I have a theme song, too? I do. And the goal of all my introspection is to make the words of that song as true as possible…

My Way – Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.
I’ve traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Perhaps I was a bit harsh the other day. Perhaps it is I who sucks. Perhaps I just need to stop running head-first into situations that are clearly a bad idea.

Perhaps learning the lesson that "I can survive anything" wasn't such a boon: I am, after all, mortal.

Boys suck.
And since I can't switch teams, I should just quit playing the game.

(Yes, I know as well as you do that this is one of those resolutions that will last about 15 minutes.)

Less bitter post later.

Friday: I met up with Sean at the Eaton Centre, where we wandered around for many hours. At about 9 we went to a certain bar/club where we were supposed to see my friend’s band perform, but people were smoking in the venue, and there was almost no seating, so we left. Sean persuaded me to see Over the Hedge, and I’m so glad he did. I had such a great time at the movie, the sort of good time you can only have at a PG film: I laughed out loud, cheered and gasped.

Saturday: After two very enjoyable tutoring sessions, I went over to Adnan’s. I was supposed to help him paint his apartment, but we had to wait for his mom and brother to get home. During that time, I finished God of War, the very first game I ever played. Go me!
When Arif and his mom got home, we assembled an Ikea closet. I felt very handy. At about midnight, we started painting. I really enjoyed all of this: I like doing stuff with my hands. It gives a very unique feeling of satisfaction, one that, as a person whose life is mostly in books and on paper, I otherwise rarely get.

Sunday: Tutoring, and visiting Mehaik. I haven’t seen her in about a year, and I was so happy that we finally got together and that we’re gonna get our friendship back on track. I ate too many paratas.

Monday: Did some packing for the move, met up with Sean and Marcos, wandered about downtown. We were joined by Adnan and Greg, had dinner at the Pickle Barrel, and went to Adnan’s to move furniture.

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it was a really awesome weekend. I had fun. ^_^

Best Report Card Ever

Crs Code	Title	Wgt	Mrk	Grd	CrsAvg
GER300Y1	Intermediate German	1.00	70	B-	B
PHY251H1	Electricity & Mag	0.50	75	B	C+
PHY252H1	Thermal Physics	0.50	65	C	C
RLG101Y1	Phenomenon of Rel	1.00	81	A-	C+
RLG206Y1	Buddhist Rel Trad	1.00	80	A-	B-

In my opinion, the coolest news of the day is the following:

The annual Eurovision Song Contest is currently going on. If you're not familiar with Eurovision, it's a lot like American Idol. Each country in Europe selects a singer or band to represent them, and they compete in a singing contest. People phone in to vote, and the country with the largest population usually wins. Talent occasionally comes into play.

The whole thing is a very big deal, people take it very seriously. This year, there is a bit of a scandal. The Finns are very upset over the team that was selected to represent them. Even worse, this team has made it to the finals, and may even win the contest.

The band in question is Lordi.

It seems to me that if the people of Finland find it odd that Lordi is representing them, they have clearly not been paying any attention to the sort of music that has been coming out of their country for the past, oh, fifteen years.

I’ve once again updated my schedule. I realized that the way I had arranged it before was stupid and occupied all of my time. So I reduced my time with Jean-Pierre to three times per week, which allowed for a much more sensible division of time.

He, of course, hadn’t done his homework.

We’ve been approved for the new place! Whee! The new supers called us and told us yesterday. Once they paint the place, refinish the floors and replace the lighting fixtures and doorknobs, we will get the keys in our hands. I am now an Annex girl!

Last night I met up with Sean and showed him my new neighborhood. Even I was surprised at how awesome it is: It’s a twenty minute walk from my building to the McLennan Physics building, there are two grocers and a Dominion there, a Shoppers Drug Mart, several copiers, several convenience stores, a photo shop, eclectic Asian-inspired shops, and NINE sushi restaurants. Also, it is possible to hit the back entrance to Spadina station with a rock thrown from my building.

On a different note, I have a story that I mean to share yesterday, but forgot, so here it is now:

Last week, after coming out of my Buddhism exam, I was supposed to meet up with Alex, a friend from first-year German. At 9pm, I called him. No answer. I called again. No answer. I called Sean and Adnan, neither of whom were available for hanging out. I didn’t want to go home, but I didn’t have any phone numbers with me. The only person I knew how to access without phoning was James, so I wean to his rez. The porter told me that he had gone out with some floor mates. I decided to walk down College St., to see if I might by chance run into someone. I didn’t.

When I got home, I found that Anne had called me at 8:45 to invite me hang out with her, James, and other people form that rez. There were at Einstein’s, a pub on…. College St. By this point it was 10:30, and my dad wouldn’t let me go out, so I missed out on that. The next day I talked to Alex. He apologized that he hadn’t heard his phone ring when I called – It had been very loud at…. Einstein’s.

Exams are now done, and summer school starts this week. Most people seem to think that having only a week off of school sounds monstrous, but I don't mind. I'm already starting to not know what to do with myself, and I'll be glad for the structure.

I have updated my schedule to reflect the state of things as of this week.

I'm not very happy about my tutoring. Today I will see Jean-Pierre for the first time in two weeks. I haven't actually discussed the above schedule with his mom yet, so I'll do that today. I hate how much of my time he is taking up - when I went to school three days per week until noon, seeing him from 4pm to 6pm wasn't an issue. But now, since I have no rigid plans in the mornings, he's basically taking up all of my time, since it forces me to not make plans before 6pm.

In fact, the more I complain about it to myself, the more I think that I'm going to reduce the number of times I see him - And if he hasn't done the homework I left him two weeks ago, I may even quit. The thought of that makes me very happy.

Phew, ok, some happier news:

The biggest thing around here is that I will be moving. My dad and I found a great place at Spadina and Bloor - a stone's throw from campus, and everything else for that matter. The place is located here. If you're wondering how serious we are about this: Today, I'm bringing our super our 60-day-notice, and taking the first-and-last cheques to the new place. Of course, that's still not 100%, but it's pretty good. We're thinking of moving around July 15.

I'm very excited about living downtown, and about decorating the place. I couldn't sleep last night, for thoughts of how I would do my new room. ^_^

Ah! Good weekend.

On Saturday I went to Adam's going away party, and had a wonderful time. I adored some of the people I met there, and I would not mind seeing them again. I regret not having gone to any of these parties before - Indeed, I can't really remember what my reasons for not going were.

Sunday was DocDay. Miranda, Ellena, Sean and I saw two films: In a Soldier's Footsteps, and The Dark Side of the White Lady. They weren't the films I had planned to see (Indeed, the decision to see The White Lady was made last minute) but I'm very pleased with what we got. Soldier's Footsteps was particularly interesting, especially since this story is far from over, and will only get bigger.
After the films we had dinner at a great place on Bloor called Serra. Usually I'm not so wild on Italian food, since it's mostly just noodles in some way, shape or form, but this place really blew me away. It tasted as if someone had put a great deal of effort and passion into the dish.

I have one more exam to go: Buddhism on Wednesday.

Oh, and this week's Radio Goethe is good, too.

You MUST listen to this week's Radio Goethe. Arndt has put together a marvelous collection of the sad, the cerebral, and the introspective. The tracks by Kante and Wolfsheim are particularly lovely.

HOTDOCS 2006

It's the most wonderful time of the year: HotDocs time! That's right, boys and girls, Toronto's biggest and best documentary film fest is taking place from April 28 to May 7.

Naturally, this means that I can't attend most of it, due to my exams. I have decided to make it up to myself by making May 7 my big Doc Day. I would like to see three films that day: Our Daily Bread, Hors les Murs, and either Pas de Pays Sans Paysans or Fatherland. You can read descriptions of all of them here.

Each screening is $10. Anyone want to join me for one or more of them? Let me know ASAP so that I can buy the tickets.

Yay! That was exactly what I needed. Last night, the Group got together to make apple pie.

We learned many lessons, including the importance of thinly chopped fruit in the filling, but no one died, and I had a wonderful time. Thanks to everyone for not raining on my parade, despite having doubts about the plan. You more than made up for the crappy week I'd been having.

On that last note: My dad has cooled down, and things are now fine in the Janic household.

Now all that's left is to not fail thermal, and life will be perfect.

...And then, yesterday, we broke up again.

To those who felt a sudden pang of pain on my behalf, thank you, but you waste your pathos. I knew that it wouldn't work, and had I been able to compel myself to think with my brain rather than my heart, I wouldn't have let us get back together in the first place.

Which is not to say that I'm not hurting right now. I had so much hope (Indeed, sometimes it feels like hope is what I am made of) and it just didn't work. I wish I didn't hope, I wish I didn't believe, but I do, and that's why I ran head-first into this situation.

When it rains, it pours...

Maybe I'll feel differently in a few days, but right now it seems like the Universe is conspiring to destroy me. Ever since I made that wonderful discovery, many years ago, that I love myself, it feels like every force of nature has worked to convince me otherwise, that I shouldn't, and that I'm worthless.

This morning, when I said "Good morning" to my father, he didn't immediately respond. I knew right away he was angry at me. His trial with his ex-wife yesterday had not gone in his favour. He blamed me, because I had "cursed" him by being unsupportive and not wanting to go to court with him.

I won't bother repeating all the things he said and all the threats he made. But when he told me that I'm worthless... I just didn't understand why I get up in the morning every day, only to face a world where it doesn't matter what I want, what I believe, what I hope for, what I think. Where I don't matter.

Don't worry, I'll feel better in a few days. I just wish that these two things didn't have to happen at the same time.

After being asked a great many times as to when my exams will be over, I have decided to update my timetable. I'm still doing the tutoring, and will keep doing that until June. Incidentally, if you know anyone who is finishing high school and would like to take an eight-week course in integration as prep for university calculus, send them my way.

Yes, my exams are all in May.

Now that I've personally told everyone who needs to hear it directly form my mouth, I can announce it to the world at large:

Last Saturday, Josh and I got back together.

I am a terrible person: Today in the lobby of McLennan I noticed a large box emblazoned with the words "Book Drive: Books for Africa," and I was filled with the desire to put in fifty copies of Heart of Darkness.

I love having a sound card again - I can finally allow dear Arndt Peltner to lead me around by the ear. I'm sure I've already gushed on this point, but it is my sincere opinion that, when it comes to music, one cannot say enough.

Seeing as how it is nearly the end of term, it makes sense that I am only now starting to make friends with my classmates. I am quite fond of my new collection of Physics geeks, who are all sweet, charming and brilliant. I also started talking to a girl in my German class. As it turned out, she had emigrated from Hungary to marry an Indian she had met at an airport in America. They transported this multinational love-affair to Toronto, where her husband now works as a string theorist on the eleventh floor of the McLennan building. You can imagine my delight at this situation: Not only was there now someone with whom I could complain about what an awful person Amanda Peet (String theorist and my former prof) is, but there was also a chance that I could have someone to help me out with Thermal! Indeed, she talked to him, and he agreed. Yay!

Only two days of school left, and then I can sleep all I want.

::: Points to the left :::

C'mon, admit it: You're turned on.

Got my Thermal midterm back. Got 13% on it.
Have an overwhelming craving for McDonald's fries.

I think the two are related.

I am so jealous of this girl...

No Music Makes Vega Something-Something...

That's it. My CD player is totally dead. I'm glad I was the only one who remembered to bring CD's to Windsor, because I got to listen to my music all weekend, and there shall be no music in my life for some time. My CD player refuses to play anything, and even the radio is slowly degenerating into nothing but static.

Maybe later this week I can sucker Sean into going jeans-and-CD-player shopping with me. Maybe I can weasel my way into having him go with me to the Eating Garden? Life is full of possibilities...

I did this to myself: I told myself it was okay for me to goof off and nap all of last week. I was, after all, recovering from my midterms.

Now I realize that I have a pile of things as deep as my neck to finish in the next two weeks, and it's overwhelming.

But, dammit, I'm going to Windsor this weekend, and no one's gonna stop me!

The last time I posted, I was very happy about how well my E&M midterm had gone. I am sorry to report, but I was unable to maintain that standard on my Thermal midterm. I believe I failed it exquisitely. Fortunately, it looks like a lot of my classmates did too, so maybe, just maybe I'll be able to get through this course. ::: fingers crossed :::

In between those midterms, I attended James's birthday party, which was lovely. I had a wonderful time, talking to all of his delightful friends, and stealing glances at myself in any reflective surface.
I concluded that I am charming, and should go out more, so to share it with the world.

After Thermal, I spent the rest of the week napping and recovering. I don't know if that was a good idea: I've got lots of work to do, and am not particularly rested for having slept so much. Maybe one more nap is what I need...

It is St. Patrick's Day, and on this day we celebrate the brutal and violent destruction of the Druid culture, and the Church's subsequent usurption of Ireland. Yaay! I love the Church!

LOOK AT MY BUM!!!
It is not bleeding! I have NOT been sodomized by my midterm! I can sit down comfortably!

I really hope I did as well as I think I did. I feel good about this.

After the test, I went to get my hair cut. I feel all light an fluffy now. Sadly, I chose to walk from campus to St. Claire, and I think I gave myself a cold: I have a pretty awful headache at the moment. I'll be sleeping with socks on tonight.

My yoga instructor really gave us a work-out tonight. We did loads of strength building postures, which means supporting a lot of weight on very few limbs. My arms hated it, but I loved it.

The other night, I wrote a poem that wasn't utter crap. I can't tell you how long it's been since that's happened.

So I updated Mischief with the poem, salvation. (I also put up another one I've had stashed away, Love is a Neolithic man.)It's one of the very few I've written that I enjoy more for it's technical attributes than the actual content. The first three stanzas are three lines each, and three words per line. In each stanza, there is a (small) word that is repeated in the first two lines, and the position of that word drifts throughout the three stanzas. This was tricky to achieve. Then I switched to a stanza completely unrelated to the preceding ones, followed by one that, while not identical to the first stanzas, structurally alludes to them. I am pleased.

E&M midterm on Wednesday, Thermal on Monday, as well as a German presentation. Until Tuesday, adieu.

Ouch... my heart.

This morning I attended the Tibetan New Year celebrations at the Riwoche Temple.

I've been saying (or at least feeling) for a while now that I need more religion in my life. Since I was 16, I've had what I felt was a very deep practice. I've always known that I am a cerebral person, and I have experienced religion in a cerebral way, through a practice based on study and contemplation. It is the way I view the world, and I thought that was all I needed from religion.

For a while now, however, I've been feeling like that's not enough. I feel that while I understand religion in a conceptual way, I'm lacking a true emotional connection. I'm starting to really feel the need for that emotional connection. I'm starting to feel that, unless I feel it in my heart, it's not really real.

The ritual this morning mostly consisted of chanting. When you have a religious experience, you feel it in the middle of your chest. When you chant in Tibetan, you feel it in the same spot. I like that. It feels real.

I'm going to start going there regularly.

Ugh. Went out with Ian last night. It was almost a total waste of time. The only redeeming thing about the evening was that I got a free crab dinner out of it, and some tiramisu.

Sadly, fascinating people are not as common as they ought to be.

On the other hand, maybe my mind was elsewhere last night...

Blurg. I'm still mad at Blogger for eating my "Ninja who loves Pirates" entry.

In lieu of anything better to say, I'll share the fact that my bedroom is so hot and dry that this morning I blew my nose and blood came out.

I really hope that this time next year, I'm writing from a new apartment, where over-heating and under-cooling will no longer be problems.

Jeez Mitul, don't get your knickers in a twist. ^_^ It went okay. I'm seeing him again tomorrow.

My life is eerily perfect right now. My German test this morning went way better than I expected - I think I may have even shown some indication of style and personality in my writing. I got 66/70 on my last E&M problem set, and the next one is almost done. I had a wonderful time in lecture today (meaning I totally understood what was going on) and I have an evening with mah Boiz coming up. Furthermore, a wide, glorious Reading Week awaits me in a few days, during which I will get lots of stuff done. School rocks, my social life rocks, and my "job" rocks.

The only thing that prevents me from thinking this is all a set-up is that my dad is being a fantastic ass, and that People's Jewelers are crooks.

Whenever things are going so well, one would be wise to get suspicious. Last time I was feeling this good, I suddenly fell into a pretty stark depression (see Tuesday, February 07, 2006). I'm gonna spend the rest of the day walking around with shifty eyes, waiting for a rapist/axe murderer/Republican to jump out at me form behind a tree.

::: shifty shifty :::

For as long as I can remember, I have insisted that "No one, in the history of the Universe, ever, has picked someone up at a club."
I no longer believe this, because it happened to me on Saturday. Twice.

And on that note, I have a date tonight. ^_^

Amusing Conversations

Thursday night, talking to Sean about American Dad.
Me: I love the German goldfish, but I think the alien is a bit over-the-top.
Sean: Alien?
Me: Yeah.
Sean: The big grey thing?
Me: Yeah.
Sean: I thought that was a spliff!

This morning. I think this one is amusing simply because it was with my dad, of all people.
Dad: So Sonja went to the gynecologist yesterday...
Me: She's got AIDS?
Dad: No.
Me: She's pregnant?
Dad: No.
Me: What then?
Dad: They give away free condoms there. Do you want any?
Me: ...
Me: No, thanks.
Dad: C'mon, just in case.
Me: No, really. I think it would be very depressing if they end up sitting around for a long time.

The Severe Amount of Rocking that my Boiz Do

Thank you so much, guys! They got me Rammstein's Herzeleid, and Sehnsucht, Wumpscut's Evoke and VNV Nations's Matter + Form. Thanks to your efforts, I am now 31% more hardcore than before.

On that note: The other day, I was stroking my CD-tower, and thinking, "Now that's a nice rack." Upon realizing how much innuendo was in that sentence, I decided to share it with the world.

Random Music Stuff

I can't believe it took me so long to discover Metropolis Records. Basically, it is a label that every artist I have ever even thought about liking is signed to. I went to their website the other day, and creamed my pants when I looked at their roster: Bauhaus, The Birthday Massacre, Diary of Dreams, KMFDM, Melotron, Mindless Self Indulgence, Project Pitchfork, [:SITD:], VNV Nation and :wumpscut: are all signed there, as well as a stack of other awesome bands as deep as my neck. If all my other life plans don't work out, I'm moving to Philadelphia and working for them.
If I ran into KMFDM at the offices Metropolis Records, do you think the Käpt'n would let me touch his mohawk?

Oomph!'s new album will soon be released. The video for Gott ist ein Popstar is available on their website. I have watched it (without sound, because I'm at Robarts and have no headphones), and, though I've yet to hear to song, it looks awesome. Dero looked good enought to eat, as always.

Let me linger awhile, if I may, on the notion of Salvation.

Yesterday I said that "Music is salvation." This isn't quite so. Music is salvation to those who don't need to be saved. It elevates those who are already up. But for those who are spiraling downward, music is merely further impetus to continue that way, a push further into hell.
Strangely, the same piece can serve both uses. I, myself, cannot count the number of time that, when feeling sad, I have reached out for JJ72's Eye to Sky, so to have someone to share my anguish with. On the other hand, when I am happy, Mark Greaney's voice is as halcyon as a morning in springtime.

Music is not salvation.

Yesterday, I started falling into a pit of darkness. Last December, my Aunt predicted that I would have bad luck in relationships, that I would never find my One True Love. I would never have what my grandparents have (And, sincerely, all I ever wanted was to be more like my grandfather). It occured to me that she was probably right, simply because I, like my mother before me, want what is wrong for me. The weight of this sank in yesterday. I hated the timing, since I had been having a week of being exceptionally happy with my life, with the supreme balance I have created. I couldn't take that I had so suddenly and so drastically started to slip.

A half-hour ago I was leaving the Math Department, after having been there to discuss some details about my degree. When taking the elevator back down to the ground floor, my eyes met those of a sexy mathematician. And I was saved.
Perhaps the Zen monks are onto something, perhaps the truth is found in spontaneity, in a moment.

And maybe the sects that say that Nirvana is conditioned are right. Grasping, even for the void, is grasping. Perhaps I could finally escape this cycle of elation and depression, if only I could learn to let go, let go, let go...

And perhaps, when I am older and wiser, I'll even be able to let go of myself. For now I can't do that. I need Me too much. But maybe I can learn to let go of everything else.

Thank you, Boiz, for your lovely gift (though I haven't yet received all of it). It means more to me than you realize. Music is salvation.

On that note, I must do all in my power to listen to Radio Goethe this week and next. The playlists are bloody awesome.

On Saturday, I took up my father on his offer to spend lots of money at The Bay. I'm not sure why he suddenly had $500 that needed to be burned, but I'm sure I'm happier not knowing. I'm also happier now that I have lots of neat stuff. I am a Capitalist whore. And yet, I don't feel as bad about it as I should.
I am clinging to material things. What would the Buddha say?

WTF? I opened the Metro yesterday, and the first thing I saw was that they want to take Calculus out of the Ontario high school curriculum. As if our math curriculum wasn't enough of a joke already. I mean, the way it is now, kids get through "calculus" without ever taking an integral. It's not just ridiculous, it's downright offensive.

The people at Queen's Park are bitching about all the kids who are failing the grade 12 "functions" course and dropping out. Obviously, the only way to fix this is by making the course easier. Not surprising, seeing as how our government seems to think that most kids are retarded.

You know what? I'm tutoring a sixth-grader, and I have a far better idea for solving the problem of drop-outs: Stop treating kids like idiots, and stop wasting the most productive years of their lives on colouring! The grade six math textbook makes me want to vomit. Do you have any idea what kids in Europe and Asia are doing at that age level? Calculus, that's what! If kids, from the very beginning of school, have high standards and competent teachers, they'll have no trouble grasping complicated concepts in high school and in university.

If you want to bitch Dalton McGuinty out, here's his contact info. I, myself, as soon as I can bring myself to express what I'm feeling without using the words "Bitch out," will send him an e-mail.

You can read the article that was in The Star on this issue here.

Dalton.McGuinty@premier.gov.on.ca.

Dalton McGuinty, Premier
Legislative Building
Queen's Park
Toronto ON M7A 1A1

Fax: (416) 325-3745

After attending U of T for some time, one comes to realize that no matter how unique one is, one could stand to be more so. Around here, having a charming personality just won't cut it. No, you are not unique enough until your entire existence can be summarized in a two-word description, like Cloak Girl, or Outback Engineer, or the Amish Albino (Yes, we have an Amish Albino).

Dehumanizing? Objectifying? Yes.
The dream of every Elf? Definitely.

Wah! I am in the process of resuming something resembling a normal life again. I am now officially done with everything to do with Elections Canada (at least until the twits in Parliament fuck up again...).

In the past few weeks, both Sean and I have successfully turned twenty-one. After boozing it up with those loose American women, we returned to Toronto to find that I had the clap, and Sean is pregnant. I suppose these things happen. I look forward to the birth of my first friend-niece or friend-nephew.

I have yet to receive any birthday gifts. ::: points at you :::

Election day came and went. I am not surprised by the overall results, but I am still somewhat shocked by what happened in Etobicoke-Lakeshore. I really expected the vote to be more divided, but instead Ignatieff won the seat with a very, very comfortable margin. I failed to consider the immigrant vote, which is almost always Liberal, and also the appeal of someone who is an academic. During the polls, I overheard people talking about how he must clearly be the best man for the job, being an acclaimed scholar, and so forth.

And Matt, sadly this does not mean there will be no scandals for a while. We are all waiting with baited breath to see if this Parliament will survive its first test: to pass a budget. If they don't, we'll be back at the polls in a few months. If they do... Well, it's still kind of up there. I think they have a good chance of making this Parliament work, simply because, unlike last time, there isn't going to by anybody trying so hard to rock the boat. Harper would not rest until he knocked the last government down - and he succeeded. I can't see anybody - Layton, Duceppe, or whoever the Grits choose as their new leader - as screaming out "Confidence Motion!" at the drop of a hat like Harper did.

Which reminds me: OH MY FUCKING GOD, I MET JACK LAYTON!!!
On Friday, Greg, Sean and I went to play pool at the Crooked Cue here on Bloor St., and who should be at the next table but the leader of the NDP himself! He was just spending time with his brothers, when we noticed him. We all shook hands with him and talked to him a bit. After that, we were all psyched out, and couldn't focus on our game any more, so we went home. We were as delighted as little school girls, and giggled endlessly.

My dad and I have been getting along fabulously since I got home. We seem to be bonding over the suckage of my love life (which truly does suck at the moment). He seems to pity my single ways, and wishes to make me feel better by giving me money and freedom. As you can imagine, I'm pleased with this.

And that is all. I'm going back to studying, and you should, too.

I should listen to VAST more.


Pretty When You Cry - VAST

You're made of my rib oh baby
You're made of my sin
And I can't tell where your lust ends
And where your love begins

I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry

And the moon gives me permission
And I enter through her eyes
She's loosing through her virginity
And all her will to compromise

I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry

I didn't want to fuck you baby
I didn't want to fuck you
I didn't want to fuck you
But you're pretty when you're mine

I didn't really love you baby
I didn't really love you
I didn't really love you
But I'm pretty when I lie

You hurt me baby

I hurt you baby

If you knew how much I loved you
You would run away
But when I treat you bad
It always makes you want to stay

I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby

Life? What's a life? The only thing I am familiar with is working at Elections Canada. That, and being behind on my readings.

I really shouldn't complain. The money is good.

I turn twenty-one tomorrow. Sean and I are gonna go to America to drink alcohol with loose American women. That's just the kind of thing we do.

I have returned! And this is what happened:

December 22: I finished my packing, and Miranda, Irene and Emine arrived at my place. They were going to drive me to the airport and keep me company for the three hours that I would spend there. They were also to try to help me in transporting the MASSIVE bag that my dad was having me carry for him - in his infinite wisdom, he decided to transfer a bicycle across the Atlantic. The bag didn't fit into Miranda's car, and I hoped that would be the end of it, but sadly my dad managed to deliver it to the airport in time to get in on board. Sigh. I flew through Prague, and there were no problems. I arrived on...

December 23: My mom came to pick me up. I was tired, sweaty, and bloody (I got my period during the plane ride). She took me home, and made everything okay.

December 24: Mom and I spent the day indulging my materialist needs, i.e., shoe shopping.

December 25: Mom and I met up with my cousin Millena for lunch. They we went and spent yet more money. On this day, I finally went over to my grandparents' place.

December 26-29: These four days were all spent the same way. I would arrive at my grandparents' place in the morning and spend time with them. In the evening I would meet my mom and go shopping. As you may have gathered by this point, we did a lot of shopping. I've got some nice stuff.

December 30: By this point, my dad had started e-mailing me to tell me what a terrible person I am, how hard his life is, how he sent me here to represent him before the family (WTF?) and how I absolutely must visit my relatives. While I flat-out refused to go and visit various old people who I am told I am related to, I did agree to visiting the younger ones. On this day I had dinner at my uncle Vladimir's place, and spent time with my cousin Jelena and her son Marko. Marko is now four-years-old, and he is adorable. He's into knights and all that jazz, so he and I had a sword fight and he killed me. Good times. Jelena, upon learning what sort of music I listen to, played for me a band that she had listened to when she was my age. They were called Leibach, and they rocked. I had a great time. Then I went to my aunt Snezana's place, and she took me out to see a movie.

December 31: My mom and I went to her home town, Bela Crkva. My Nana and aunt Slavica had made a big New Years dinner for us. At about 11 o'clock, Slavica and I went out to the town square to usher in the new year... However, I could not bear to stay there. There were all these kids setting off cherry bombs, and I could not stand the noise. We retreated to slightly outside of the square, and then rushed home right after midnight, because I was also afraid of all the gun fire (Those wacky Serbs).

January 1: Spent the day in Bela Crkva.

January 2: Mom and I returned to Belgrade. We met up with a friend of hers, and went to the Skadarlija, an old part of the city, with cobblestone streets (and I don't mean the nice kind of cobblestones, I mean the nasty mother fuckers that are hard to walk in even in flat shoes) and lots of very old restaurants, many of which used to be homes of famous literary figures. We settled on eating at one called Ima Dana ("There are days..."). We had a wonderful meal, and I even tried eating brains. I did not care for the experience, but at least now I can say I've tried it. The neat thing about this place was this: By the end of our meal, I looked around Ima Dana, and had this overwhelming feeling of familiarity, as if I'd been coming to this place my whole life.

January 3: I visited my brother in the morning, and got to see his kid again. After dinner at my grandparents' place, I met up with Jelena and Marko again. Apparently, he had been asking about "that nice lady" from before, and wanted to see me again. We went for a walk, and then to a dessert shop. While eating, he turned to me and said "I like you!" to which I answered "I like you too!" I can't believe I'm going to say this, but after spending time with him, I think I don't hate kids any more.

January 4: Dinner in fancy Chinese restaurant with mom, Millena, and her boyfriend.

January 5: I arrived at the airport pretty early, ready to return home. This is where my adventure began, for even at this point, the people in Belgrade knew that my flight out of Prague was cancelled. But of course, if they let me know, they would have to reimburse me in some way, so instead they let my go to Prague. When I got there, I found out my flight was cancelled. They arranged for the hotel and for me to fly via Amsterdam the next day. I went to the hotel, and along the way met three other girls, about my age, who were in the same situation. After leaving our stuff at the hotel, we went into the city. Prague is... Wow. It's exactly what you imagine Europe to be like. It is stunning, old, elegant and charming. I want to go back, and spend more time there. After a while we went back to the hotel, and I spent my night watching MTV Deutschland, and not sleeping too much.

January 6: After about three hours of sleep, I went to the airport, and flew to Amsterdam. On getting there, I found out that I might not be able to get to Toronto: The flight was full, and I was on a waiting list. I did not like this. However, I was in Shiphol, my favorite airport, so I spent the next five hours with one of the girls from Prague, exploring a bit. Finally, at the last possible moment, I got my seat on the flight to Toronto, and now here I am!

Phew. School starts tomorrow, and I'll also start doing some office work for Elections Canada. That means I'll not really be available at all for the next two weeks, but such is life.

Here's to a good term!

ADVENTURE!!!

My flight from Prauge got cancelled! They're putting us up in a hotel, and there are a bunch of other girls here who were doing the Belgrade-Toronto thing, so we're all gonna go into the city and explore!!!

This is the best thing ever! I'm coming home tomorrow, via Amsterdam. I'll tell you all about it when I get there.