body

Let me linger awhile, if I may, on the notion of Salvation.

Yesterday I said that "Music is salvation." This isn't quite so. Music is salvation to those who don't need to be saved. It elevates those who are already up. But for those who are spiraling downward, music is merely further impetus to continue that way, a push further into hell.
Strangely, the same piece can serve both uses. I, myself, cannot count the number of time that, when feeling sad, I have reached out for JJ72's Eye to Sky, so to have someone to share my anguish with. On the other hand, when I am happy, Mark Greaney's voice is as halcyon as a morning in springtime.

Music is not salvation.

Yesterday, I started falling into a pit of darkness. Last December, my Aunt predicted that I would have bad luck in relationships, that I would never find my One True Love. I would never have what my grandparents have (And, sincerely, all I ever wanted was to be more like my grandfather). It occured to me that she was probably right, simply because I, like my mother before me, want what is wrong for me. The weight of this sank in yesterday. I hated the timing, since I had been having a week of being exceptionally happy with my life, with the supreme balance I have created. I couldn't take that I had so suddenly and so drastically started to slip.

A half-hour ago I was leaving the Math Department, after having been there to discuss some details about my degree. When taking the elevator back down to the ground floor, my eyes met those of a sexy mathematician. And I was saved.
Perhaps the Zen monks are onto something, perhaps the truth is found in spontaneity, in a moment.

And maybe the sects that say that Nirvana is conditioned are right. Grasping, even for the void, is grasping. Perhaps I could finally escape this cycle of elation and depression, if only I could learn to let go, let go, let go...

And perhaps, when I am older and wiser, I'll even be able to let go of myself. For now I can't do that. I need Me too much. But maybe I can learn to let go of everything else.