i cried a lot today. in the morning, i was fine. then something happened. i'm not sure what. i got weak. then vit swore at me about something stupid with dinner, and i couldn't stop for hours.
i kept saying "you were strong, and now you're weak agian. yesterday you were strong. yesterday he could yell and scream and hit you all he liked, and you didn't cry. now you can't stop. now you're weak." i actually blamed josh for it. but i knew, ages ago. i remember sitting in the auditorium during an assembly and thinking "i can't allow all my self confidance to be determined by some guy."

i e-mailed evan to apologize. he refused. i think he blocked me on msn. how ironic.

i'm stable right now. i talked to mehaik on the phone. and talked to irene today too. it helped. a lot. i still am at rist of starting to bawl at any moment. but i'll survive. damn optimist in me won't die.

mehaik asked me if i would consider going out with evan now. i said it might be a nice idea. he's so young. it'd be like going back and having all those relationships i never did, you know, where holding hands and kissing is such a big deal. those sort of relationships where sex is so foreign and distant that you don't even think about it. you don't even associate it with the person you're with. that'd be nice. to be all neive agian.
eh. shot down there. besides, i don't really want anyone else right now.

the people you have come to love:

mehaik - back in middle school, there were the "cool kids," there were "the nice and sporty girls," and there was me. and, to a lesser extent, by friends. mehaik was, from my perspective, in the sporty and nice group. we would occasionally socialize, but we weren't really friends. in fact, i resented her and ehr friends. because they seemed to have it all: they were athletic and good students and seemed confidant and had REAL friendships.
then, one day, the summer before grade 8, i spent a day with mehaik. and i knew.
we've been best friends ever since. four years now. and it was all because, one day, where nothing had been before, i just knew.

adnan - also back in middle school, that odd time when everyone was a jerk, i was too. no one perticularly liked adnan. there was no real reason. just something off. and i pretty much ignored him - though, now, he says i was a jerk too. i probably was. we all were. i didn't see him all through grade 9. in grade 10 we had a class tougether, and i tried to be nice and socalize, but i never really liked him.
then, one day, last fall, i was walking to school, and i saw him on the sidewalk. i called him over to walk with me. and i knew.
a guy i not only didn't care about, but disliked. i suddenly knew. and, except for a three month interlude, we've been best friends since. to me, he still is, because he is still my other half. i don't know if he feels the same, but nothing changed for me. but one day, where there was nothing, i just knew.

max - some random guy whom rek had mentioned. one day, he and i went to ajax and there was this pretty little thing of a man. i didn't perticularly care. he was pretty, and a nice guy. seemed a bit cold, actually. but nothing to note.
everyone likes max. everyone wants him. i went through that phase too.
but then, one day, we were talking. and i tried to explain how i felt about love and strangers and the people we know and god and the universe... and all of a sudden, he says it too, right back, in the same words i would have used. and there. i knew.
he's been there for me when i most needed someone. i've known him, what, two and a bit months, and already he's been there for good and bad, and, what's more, he shone out of the dirt like a little bit of glass... and reflected me. i guess that's how i knew.

i say this because in karate today, i dot dizzy and had to sit out. i went out and thought about all the people i feel closest to. and how, though i may not have cared about then when i ment them, one day, i just knew.

a little story:
in grade 8, i was very lonley. none of my friends were in my class, all of my enemies were. i ended up hanging out a lot with a guy named aaron. of course, i ended up having a crush on him.
it was your typical middle school thing. everyone knew it, since we spent so much time tougether.
middle school ended. high school began. in grade 9 and 10 i didn't really like enyone. liked everyone a little. but i never truly stoped liking aaron. even last summer, a little year ago, i liked him.
then, last september, i walked into my photography class, and there he was. and i didn't think "oh! there's that guy i like!" i thought "oh. there's aaron. cool!"

the moral of the story is, you can't help how you feel. but, eventually, the passion dies down, and you see one love is like another, and that you can be friends. because nothing has changed fundamentally, just on the surface.

download "freshmen" for me, and listen to it till you cry. it feels good.

i'm getting better.
firstly, i'm talking to everyone. even people i don't really know. just getting it out.
the more i talk about it, the more i think "ok, now i have to do this..." and not "now what will i do..?"
i didn't realize i was becoming so task driven. but ever since my troubles with adnan, i saw "yes, this is how i feel, this is how you feel. and since we both feel bad, give me something to do, right now, so i can change it." of course, with him the answer was to be patient.
i still pushed him too much sometimes. really, it was more like many pushes, with not much in between. but then, one day, he opened up to me, like a flower to the sun.

who knows? maybe it'll be the same with josh. maybe, after time has gone by (as only time can), he'll open up to me too. that makes me smile.
or maybe, with time, i'll see he's a jerk and just too much my opposite, and i'll not want him in my life at all. that makes me smile too.
i guess what i want is to not be stagnant, never be stangnant. to DO something about how i feel, if what i feel i don't like. a little part of me (and of other people) says the pain should have it's time. but the bigger part of me disagrees. i've had enough pain in life. i can look back on it and enjoy it then, if i so choose. but the only time i believe in mourning is when you've lose someone. and i haven't, not yet. i may have gained someone. i may have changed the nature of the relationship. but i haven't lost anyone. and if i do, it'll be because i'll have seen i didn't want them there in the first place.

so i guess, yes, unless josh has a problem with it, i'll still go over there to game tomorrow.

........ i really don't know what to say. as with the first time, i told everyone everything seven times over. so i have no telling left in me. the jist to it is, i broke up with josh again. it hurts. a lot like the first time. but i guess i've had a week to get used to it. so it's not quite as bad. which is not to say it's not bad.

well, i guess now i can go back to worring about abnormal things agian. normalcy was never my thing. fun though.

to end things on a "positive note," (that is to say, on anything but a positive note, but it caputes me in a little glass vial, perfect for presenting to the world) "freshmen" by the verve pipe.

When I was young I knew everything
and she a punk who rarely ever took advice
now i'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
she fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
for the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
his girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
we never talk of our lacking relationships
and how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

jgray is in france. i want to go to france! the history trip next march is actually to france (and a few other places in europe) and i really want to go. i mean, i want to go for one reason: The Louvre. i'd inflict serious pain on someone to get to go to the louvre....
but looks like irene isn't going. which isn't the end of the world, lots of other people are. but it's just nice to go on these sort of trips with your best friend.

from what i've been told, this years trip to italy consisted of everyone (students and teachers equally) spending their time half drunk. that's what you get. actually, i feel like quite the wet blanket, since i don't drink. except that time when i was 2, and i had a lass on konak. but i guess if you don't remeber it, it doesn't count. eh, i'm happy with my liqeur filled chocolates. ^_^

home alone! home alone! home alone! i am home alone! i'm half naked! "i'm wizzing with the door open... and i love it!"
it's still too hot, but we're getting a new air conditioner today, so i'm happy.
i was supposed to see the powerpuff girls movie today with josh, but we're both broke, and vit wasn't about to pay for me to take us both out. vit is still unaware of the break up, and it's gonna stay that way for a while. of course, thigs are complicated wheher i tell him or not, so it doesn't matter. the point is, i'm not getting my hit og ppg today. sigh...

miranda is thinking of going out friday. and since the pool is closed today, my plans include seeing josh, dinner, masur giving me calculus lessons, and karate. well, full day. lots of physical exercise. ^_^

grr... the internet doesn't like me. body won't show the little "this month in elf land" image, there are some other little problems too. geocities doesn't want to do a certain mouseover, so i have to start and account at envy.nu to load one file.

the volunteering deal this week is cancelled due to strike.

todd/chris is having domestic troubles. seems like everyone is. i don't know why we can't all have cool parents.

talked to janice. she seems ok.

you know how when you want to talk about stuff, but you have nothing to say? it's one of those things.

not.. quite... so... great... right...now
well, vit came home. i said how i got ill at the thought of him back.
he... he says he won't support me (as in finance, food, shelter) as long as i'm with josh. and i think, "damn, how do i tell him now?"
i wanted to wait a while, because i thought i wouldn't be ready to hear all of his "i told you so" crap." but since i'm ok, i could tell him. except then he won't understand that josh is now my friend. with him it's all problems.

my wrists hurt.

i'd do anything for a lover / i'd do anything for a friend / i only want to see you happy / baby, can we pretend?

:::sings::: what a differance... a day makes!

well, i've just spent and interesting weekend with josh. i was with him since friday night. that night we broke up. well, it was technically about 2 a.m. on saturday. i got home about an hour and a half ago.

i've told the story of exactly what happened to mehaik, irene, and addy, in great detail. i don't know if i feel like telling it again. i don't think the details are important.
the jist of it is:
1) max is such an angel, i an so grateful to have him in my life. i would have died without him.
2) janice is a sweet heart. i love her madly. some other people are critical of what she did, but i'm not. i either understand or i love her too much to care.
3) i love josh, quite possibly more than ever. i've lost a wee little bit, but i've gained so much. i've gained a friend. already i feel closer and more comfertable with him. maybe it's just the change of title from "girlfriend" to "friend," but i feel closer and better all over.
before i came to the realization that really, we WOULD be friends, he wasn't just saying it, i was so low. i was physically shaking and could not take food and was horrible. i was certainly wanting to reach for the aspirin. i'm glad janice and josh were with me (or i with them), because i should not have been left alone. it helped.

the three of us were in bed, and i was trying to ween myself off of him. i kept reminding myself "you do not own him. he is your friend. as with any friend, all you own is the right to his happiness. anything that will make him happy you encourage, anything that harms him and his happiness you will destroy."
damn! i do love him so much, and it's so simple now. the relationship aspect was such shit. i'm just whole and happy. i hope he is too, i know besides me he's having other romantic problems to occupy his thoughts. but i'm pretty sure he's just as happy as i am about how he and i are. as for the other romantic problems, i'm not very comfertable about talking about them, but it's not too bad. i want him to be happy above all else, above the jealousy and whatever. and i'm already easing up on the jealosy. thought it should be noted, i'm protective of all my friends too. any girl hurts him, ass kicking shall ensue.

i don't know what else so say. just thinking about vit get's me nervous and sick. let's not talk about that.
i'm fan-frikin'-tastic! god damn it! i'm so in love! damn how i love these friends of mine and this life and everything! things are fabulous!