in yugoslavia.
vit basically kicked me out the door, telling me to fend for myself as far as getting to the airport was concerned.
fortunatley, i ran to irene, and she and her mom saved me.

it's times like these you really relize just who the real friends are in your life. the people who, with not notice, would take you to the airport, or take you in to live with.
i mention the "live with" part because i don't know if i'll be welcome home when i get back to canada.
but let's not talk about that. i sent my friends a nice long e-mail to bitch about that.

let my first indulge my vanity:
i never realized before how much i love my hair. and forgive me if i sound shallow. but it it beautiful. since i was little, i would walk with all my hair hanging down in my face, and think "this is my mane." i'd feel so safe and powerful, like a lion.
i was looking at it today, and realized how it reflects my mood. when i was stressed, it turned almost a dark vomit green, tinted by worry. it was dull and ugly. as the day wore on, and i got ever closer to my family, it became more and more of a warm earth brown, until, in a moment of relief, a single hair of bright red poked out.
i want to grow it out.

on the plane to amsterdam, there was a crying child. he wan't just crying, he was screaming. and i wondered "how terrible are his troubles, that he needs to scream like that? and, how lucky he is, that he can do that." what i would give to ba able to just scream every time things got too hard. i think we'd all be much happier if we could.

the story of something not a bruise

irene: what's that?
me: (laughs) it's a hickey.
irene: ouch. looks painful.
me: not really. and it was fun at the time.

these days i am deeply entertained by the hickey that's currently on my collar bone. mostly because of how vit is reacting to it.
at first, i though he was kidding. but no, he really doesn't know what it is. i've convinced him it was an allergic reaction to something in the pool.
but he is starting to think it's some sort of horrible disease. he's putting creams on it (as serbs do), he's told me to see a doctor about it, and he's convinced i will infect him.
he takes me and looks at, all scared and confused. and i'm doing all i can not to laugh.

leaving for airport ar 3 or 4 today. :::unenthusiastically::: woo!

:::does a little dance, makes a little love... gets down tonight!:::

firstly, thanks to todd's advice, i moved elforium from geocities to brinkster. i'll post the link at the begining of august.
all the other elforium sites are still at geocities, but that will change. all the sites are in desperate need of new layouts (3b, super, and mischief have all had the same layouts since april 2001), so as i get those and ACTUAL CONTENT done, i'll move 'em.

enjoyed some chillaxin' with irene today. i don't know, between talking to her and tlaking to mehaik, i don't know if i should be happy or not that i am no longer dating the man i love. of course, the fact that we're not dating does not mean there is any less drama.
but like i was telling irene, drama is the one thing i don't want in relationships, any relationship.
sure, we all need drama in our lives. but i'd rather that come from situations. strange events at school or work, sucky co-workers, wonderful co-workers, favorite show is cancelled... mundane things. when it comes to the people i love, i like them to be happy, healthy, and on good terms with me.

i love how productive it is every time i spend a day with irene. i get everything off my chest, toss around some ideas, and come away inspired and fulfilled. i always go away from her with a lot of ideas to think over. thank you, darling!

vit and i went out with a friend of his and the friend's neice, katarina, who is visiting from yugoslavia. i actually thought it would really suck, but she and i hit it off, and it was quite cool. she and i agreed to get together when we are both in belgrade.

i also had my last salsa class tonight! well, last for a month. i might have to do it again when i get back home...
but i started talking to one of the guys there. josh's idea of talking to strangers seems to be accurate: he was a nice guy, really funny.

max left today. i talked to him earlier and he, too, gave me something to think about. i was saying how brave he was, going off like that and not looking back. he said the reason for that is that he knows he is making a change for the better, and the reason i am a bit worried about my trip is that i don't know if it is for the better or the worse.
and he's right! who knows how the world will change in a month? in summer especially, when days seem so long, weeks even longer, and lives and minds can change in dizzifying time spans. the relationships that may form or crumble in the next month... it's increadable to think about.
however, the fact remains that i may not like all of those chagnes. i may come back a month from now, and find everyone has become someone i don't like.... but why am i beating around the bush? we all know what i am really worried aobut is how a month of time to think will affect josh. he seems very confused about me right now. and, after a month, what conclusions will he have reached?
he had his date with kat tonight. and a month from now, will that matter?

jesus vega! stop depressing yourself! tomorrow i'm going to get on a plane, and when i get off, it'll be 40 degrees, and my mom and grandpa will be at the airport waiting for me, as the car slowly melts in the parking lot. my grandmas and auntie and mummy will pamper me to no end, i'll see some old friends, and have a great time.
and the future? if i can't change it, i can only deal with it when it gets here.

and, of course, plot as to how i CAN change it.
:::inser sinister laugh here:::

"girrish"

i'm slightly pissed. i hate indecision.
ok, i realize i am being a hyporcite. usually i am either a) certain that there is a correct decision to be made, and am worried the one i make won't be it. that's not so bad by itself, just that i care what people think of me, and if i make the wrong decision, it will somehow make them think less of me. or, more likley b) i want to know the opinion of the people around me before i make my own call. often i don't care about the matter at hand, so what they think is more important. or, if i do care, i prefer to deal with the disagreement when it occurs.

but it's also that i am aware of how i feel, but not of how others feel. how can i make a decision involving others when i don't know how they want things? that's actually, why i used to have so much trouble making friends (and why i still have trouble maintaining some friendships), because i don't want to force myself on others.
that's why i always beg people toapproach me. i am totally willing to be appraoched, and if i'm not, you shall be informed. promplty.

so while i myself may not readily make decisions, i also don't like it when others can't. if i can't say what i want, and the other person can't either, than nothing gets done.

so maybe i should have more faith in people to tell me if they agree or disagree with me, and to tell me if my decisions are just plain wrong. because i'm sick of waiting for a choice to be made.
so yeah, from now, if i know what i want, i sayif. because, dammit, i hate indecision!



no. todd, no. don't even say that. all too many people feel that way. what, you think that because a bunch of shits don't like you? what do you care what they think? if he was making an effort to be friends, that'd be one thing. but, as much as it hurts and sucks, you've been rejected.
so sure, you can pine away and be sad and mad and want to do something stupid. or you can realize that, when it comes to how people feel, there's nothing you can do.
if they don't like you, they don't have to deal with you. but there are people who love you and care about you and WANT to deal with you. you have to accept that some people don't like you, and some people who once did now don't. but you also have to remember that there are people who DO like you, and it's they who deserve your time and affection.
don't waste and destroy yourself on ingrates.

i'm just wanting to leave a little note to max, in case you're reading this.

i'm so excited for you! i can't wait to hear all about vancouver, the places you go, things you do, and peaople you meet. when you said you wanted an "adventure," i'm sure that's exactly what you'll get. actually, i'm a bit jealous. i'd love to be able to just pick up and go to some random city for a while. well, maybe in a year or two...
but i'm also gonna miss you something dreadful. even though you "usually" come by monthly, you have been spending more time than usual over here. and, even without that, you have become very special to me very fast. i love you babe, and i wish you all the best as you go out into the uncharted canadian west!
don't do anything i wouldn't do.... and therefore do everything i would do.
and, when in doubt, "if you won't get caught, do it!"

i never ever ever post those silly quiz deals, but i thought this one was cute:



i just felt it hit on two points: writing and being very much about tatility. with people and objects, i constantly need to touch. i remember once i was just absent mindednly stroking the couch i was sitting on, and the person with me found it very funny. but it's how i am.

finally had that "going away dinner" with everyone. well, masur and eshika didn't show up, and they never did say why. and a bunch of people couldn't come. there were 9 of us in total instead of the 22 i had invited originally.

i had a lot is issues with my dad. after dinner on the 18th, i got home only after he was in bed. the 19th i left before he got home and was again home only after he had gone to bed. i was out today too.
i'm rather impressed with myself how much i didn't care. as he went on and on about what a terrible, lazy child i am, i just calmly ate my supper. he went on about how i don't deserve to go to yugoslavia because all i'll go is sit online anyway, and i just munched.
even when i was putting the laundry away and he hit me over the head, i didn't care. not a tear to be seen. i was just annoyed with him being so generally stupid about eveything.