i am living in a world of girr and sweet, nutritious goo!
:::has invader zim moment:::
allow me to descrive the first of many tragedies:
by some inconceivable miracle, rammstein was playing in belgrade. on my street. on august first.
i was well aware of this before the event took place. however. however, it was at the "club of engineering students." sounds respectable? it isn't. these are the sort of people who seem stuck in a time warp. guys in tight black jeans, leather jackets, and mohawk haircuts proudly strut about as if these things were still rebellious. which maybe, in this part of the world, they are.
even if it was ok for me to go there, i had no one to go with. not a soul. the few people i know in belgrade don't listen to that sort of music. at least in toronto i have people who love me enough to go anyway.

but that is but one of many tragedies. last night, mira, misa and i went out to dinner. it was late when we got back to my grandparent's place. mira and misa were leaving as i was getting on the elevator. suddenly, i dropped my keys. they fell into the gap between the elevator and the floor, and continued falling, falling, into the deep, open wound beneith the lobby.
i went and got mira, and we decided to go to her place.
just then, the last streetcar went by.
there wouldn't be another until the morning.
so we walked to misa's, and spent the night there.
along the way, there were some stray dogs playing in the traffic. fortunatley, we left before i had to see any one them get hit. but i'm sure at least one did.

last night, these were all tragedies. but, this morning, the dogs had gone to sleep, the engineering students were asleep, and were were getting my keys out.
to cut a long story short, they keys were retraived through an amazing series of luck and coincidance, and by a young construction worker who looked suspiciousley like robbie williams.

my gradfather had some minor surgery done this morning, and is already back home, happy as a clam.

i'm afraid my blog is going to get very boring. i don't feel any perticular self-lothing, self-hatred, or any other form of teen angst. well, good. i don't need it.

i used to live under the impression that my non-vit family builds me up, makes me feel good, and encourages me. for the past year, i have been anticipating coming back. not i'm counting the days until i return to toronto.
i take myelf seriousley. i do, i admit it. i am vain, and getting more so every day. you should see my journal from last night, how i went on about myself. i am addicted.
i was thinking about all the people who'll never know my, and i pitied them. all the people who know OF me, know me sort of, but not really, and i pitited them even more. i am amazed with myself, awed at how i sould be so lucky to be me.
the combination of josh, ayn, and "eve" has done wonders for my sefl esteem, to the point of narsicism.and i'm happy for it. i know exactly what i will do in life, how i will get there, and that all the janic's in the world, and all the shit they perpetually spew can do nothing about it. i feel like a wall, and anything can hit me, and never break me. and i can break anything.
by blood relatives all seem to be full of opinions about my body and how to clothe it. they don't seem to understand that there is no correct answer to that question. my body was not designed to be clothed. there is not way for fabric to cover it in a way that is pleasing. my body was designed to be nude, to be seen as it it, with nothing less. but, what those janic women don't see at all is me. they comment on my body and dress all they like, but they are utterly unable to comment on me as a person, because they don't know me as a person. and i pity them. after all, i'm right here. i keep no secrets. if they wished to know me, they need only ask.
on my arm, i've written "Free Vega." i mean the things i write on myself. it's only the third time i've done it. the first time it read "Aham brahmasmi." the second time "Property of Joshua D. Feldman." and i meant both. but now my shoulder proclaims "Free Vega." i am free. i am too free to be bothered by the people who minimize me. i am too free to be afraid or guilty. i am myself, whole and self-compleating, like hamaphrodite. some strange, asexual being, without begining or end. a source, creator and destroyer. i am the universe.
and how sad that no one will ever know it.

grr...
all that wonderful thinking i've done? so what?
what good is it to have a decision made when it can't be carried out? and, more importantly, when you quite sincerly don't know if it is the right one?

everyone is so far away... and i just know the second i see everyone, all the decisions i made will go flying out the window.

that's not indecisivness, is it? that's just what happens when you have to interact with other human beings - your decisions are based partly on what they want, and partly on those random emotions you experiance when you're with them.

i asked mehaik once, which is more important, how you feel about someone when you are with them, or without them? i believe the conclusion we reached was that the true feeling is whichever is more plentiful. right now, that doesn't sound like it can be the right answer...
i'm thinking that it comes down to a choice between optimist and pessimism. you can choose to focus on the poitive feelings, or the negative ones. if it turns out you are happy only when the person is not around, don't spend time tougether. if you are happy when they are around, then do. but focus on whatever time it is that you are happy, because otherwise you are conqured to by cynicism and pessimism.

janice wrote to me about something that reminded me of my sister. she's 4 now. she'll be 5 in october.
i remember once, when i came home from school, maggie (my dad's fourth wife, mother of anne) was sitting on the couch with anne in her lap. as i wa taking off my shoes, i looked up, and saw anne. she recognized me, even so young. she started bouncing up and down, waving her arms, and smiling. it's my dearest memory, it's so clear in my mind.
i should contact maggie when i get home. i don't know when i will... between university, learning to drive, staying on top of things at school, math class, karate, salsa, trying to learn to eat, getting a job, maybe moving out, and keeping track of my own "life" and the lives of my friends, i have no idea when i can do this. actually, i though maybe maggie could take me if and when i leave home. but that's secondary. i'd hate to come to ehr and first thing ask for a favor. beides, some people around here don't really trust maggie, and i'd hate to owe her a favor 10 years from now if it turns out she's not the most outstanding human individual.

josh and dr. bernstein (and the two sometimes seem interchangable to me) are of the opinion that a happy individual needs to set very strict priorities. when it comes to people, you need to understand just what each individual means to you and contributes to your life. this is difficult for me, since i live in a world of plenty, and a vauge one at that. i have about nine people whom i care most about, 5 or 6 of whom i am certain would do anything for me. i am certain, because i would do anything for them. but, when thinking about it, i became curious just what each of those nine meant to me, in a single term. for the sake of having it recorded, the results of my wondering are thus:

M - my angel
M - my compliment
M - my uplifter
J - my opposite
J - my balance
S - my baby
N - my confirmation
I - my inspiration
A - my other half

mira, my dear confused mother, said something rather disturning to me. as we were walking down the street, talking, she laughed at what i had said, and aswered "oh vega! do you really think all these couples you see walking tougether are 'in love?' haven't you outgrown that idea?"
well, no mum. the idea of not wasting your time on someone you don't love doesn't quite yet seem below me.

vesna made a good point about mira. she said i have nothing to learn from her.
from what i have observed of my mother, she loves to keep things shrouded in mistery. god help you if you want to get any information out of her. everything has to be wrapped up in secrets. and, for me, who likes to have the most intimate details of my life announced to everyone, this is terribly annoying.

just now, my dear aunt called me into the room. she was watching tv as she talked on the phone to her friend nenad. she asked me to grade the intensity of the porn on tv. "soft," i answered.
i can't figure it out. the city looks so nice and clean. yet still, as last summer, i can't walk by a newspaper stand without a dozen covers of women fondling their breasts and showing the world what lies between their thighs.
and these aren't even capitalists!

oh i'm just full of sad news these days!
ashley's dad was diagnosed with cancer. i haven't reallt kept in touch with her these past few years, and learning about the cancer makes me realize that.
i owe a lot to ashley. she is the human being responcible for my discovering religion to begin with. and though my own views have changed a lot, she is still the spark that started the blaze.

you cannot imagine how i've been longing for MSN. i though it was the internet. i though it was my blog. no. it was the ability to instantly communicate with my friends. it is such a releif to see that little window, even if no one is one (it's 6 a.m. back home).

i've had a lot of time to think about everything. well, about a week to think. but, in summer, days seem so long. worlds are made and broken in hours, like glass globes. to have the revelations of one summer any other time would take all the days from september to june. it's like to year is really two.
but in that week-that-seems-tem-times-more, i've been thinking. realched a lot of conclusions about my relationships. i feel very distand from my feelings, now that the sources of those feelings are so far away: i can look at them onjectivley.

at home, (that is to say, the place where my father lives), i have concluded, i cannot live. i'm hoping that somewhere between now and january something will happen to make it possible to me to leave. and, but "hoping," i mean i am doing actualy work to make this possible. but, certianly, unless there is a dramatic change in conditions, i do not want to be there past my 18th birthday.
a sidenote - i find it very interesting to think that the last time i way in yugslavia, i was slanning to not live past my 17th birthday. i remember thinking, the say i turned 17, how odd it was, because i had assumed that on that day i would kill myself, and, rather, i was sitting with 5 friends, all squashed on my little bed, talking and screaming and giggling as girls do.

my aunt told me something that really bothers me. she had had my indian horoscope done a few years ago. she told me that my darmah is to follow a career in the arts. this disturbed me, because it is most likley not going to work out that way. i still want to be educated in physics, and will do everything possible to make that happen.
of course, that's no reason wo WORK in physics. really, i never intended to. i'd much rather write.
speaking of which, kelly, "jesus and satan" is coming along well.

my brother is getting married in august or september. i'm very proud of him, of how unlike his father he is. my father got married when he was in his early 20's, scarcley educated or employed, because the condom broke. by brother is in his earlt 30's. he is currently in the united arab emirates, on work. he has known the girl for several years.
the simple contrast of it makes me think the marriage will work. i never saw my brother married, he seems so young. but i suddenly have a lot of faith in him. i have a lot of faith in any man who makes a decision in his life because that is the direction he WANTS to take, and was not forced into.

to leave, i'd like to share a my horoscope for the week:

Jupiter moves out of the section of your chart associated with partnerships and relationships, leaving the cupboard bare in this department. Now the emphasis shifts to joint financial arrangements and deep one-to-one bonds that affect your emotions on a powerful level. Soul mate issues may come to the fore, and you may even meet up with your soul mate as Jupiter provides the way for you to open your heart still further and more deeply. The more you trust in your feelings and flow with them, the more you will find that your finances improve in all ways - the two are linked even if they seem miles apart on a surface level. Jupiter will give some useful lessons in freeing yourself up and saying it like it is. Mars, Mercury and the Sun are also in Leo so this area of your chart is highly intensified this week. You are able to look deeply into financial matters on whatever level you need to. If you are managing resources and money for a company or business, you will be inspired to overhaul the whole system and make better use of what you have. You will also want access to more and will want to increase the amount of capital available.