body

i used to live under the impression that my non-vit family builds me up, makes me feel good, and encourages me. for the past year, i have been anticipating coming back. not i'm counting the days until i return to toronto.
i take myelf seriousley. i do, i admit it. i am vain, and getting more so every day. you should see my journal from last night, how i went on about myself. i am addicted.
i was thinking about all the people who'll never know my, and i pitied them. all the people who know OF me, know me sort of, but not really, and i pitited them even more. i am amazed with myself, awed at how i sould be so lucky to be me.
the combination of josh, ayn, and "eve" has done wonders for my sefl esteem, to the point of narsicism.and i'm happy for it. i know exactly what i will do in life, how i will get there, and that all the janic's in the world, and all the shit they perpetually spew can do nothing about it. i feel like a wall, and anything can hit me, and never break me. and i can break anything.
by blood relatives all seem to be full of opinions about my body and how to clothe it. they don't seem to understand that there is no correct answer to that question. my body was not designed to be clothed. there is not way for fabric to cover it in a way that is pleasing. my body was designed to be nude, to be seen as it it, with nothing less. but, what those janic women don't see at all is me. they comment on my body and dress all they like, but they are utterly unable to comment on me as a person, because they don't know me as a person. and i pity them. after all, i'm right here. i keep no secrets. if they wished to know me, they need only ask.
on my arm, i've written "Free Vega." i mean the things i write on myself. it's only the third time i've done it. the first time it read "Aham brahmasmi." the second time "Property of Joshua D. Feldman." and i meant both. but now my shoulder proclaims "Free Vega." i am free. i am too free to be bothered by the people who minimize me. i am too free to be afraid or guilty. i am myself, whole and self-compleating, like hamaphrodite. some strange, asexual being, without begining or end. a source, creator and destroyer. i am the universe.
and how sad that no one will ever know it.