Dear human worm babies,

I am in the motherland! Things here are mostly the same, which is to say that everything is very, very dirty. However, people are driving nicer cars, there is more variety in the supermarkets, and there seems to be pleanty in general.
My mom is wonderful. Adnan: I told her you said hello, and she has attempted to teach me the art of the make-up, as per your request. It is not going well, as I have no grasp of anything subtle.
I am wonderfully relaxed. I do nothing but eat, sleep, and allow people to buy me things. Life is sweet.

Happy Boxing Day, and I'll see you January 5.

My exams are now behind me. Woot! That really wasn't so bad after all, and I credit my (probably) good results to stressing out beforehand. Nothing shows you care like stress.

Some Important Dates:

December 21 - Hanging out with Max and Josh (and anyone else whom I can get last-minute)
Thursday, December 22 - I leave for the motherland.
January 5 - I return.
January 9 - Classes resume.
January 18 - I turn 21.

And a Happy Solstice to all.

My hands are totally covered in paper cuts, and I never even noticed them being inflicted.
I hope those voters appreciate my hard work.

Exams tomorrow... Stress.
Max tonight... Joy!

So yesterday I did eight hours of work at Elections Canada, sticking stickers onto the Voter Information Cards. Tedious work, but it was made quite pleasant by Sean, Tanya and her brother, who kept up a delightful banter of fascist politics and Simpsons trivia.

After work, Greg, Sean and I went to the Jack Astor's at Front and Bay. The moment we came in, I overheard somebody say "Brad Pitt is here!" I assumed this was crazy-talk, and we got a seat. A few moments later, our waitress arrived and said "Brad Pitt is here! I can't say which one he is, but he's got a lot of hair." We eagerly looked around, and I spotted him across the room, but he had sunglasses on and, as the waitress had said, a lot of hair. I couldn't be sure.
Our waitress came back and said, no, it was not him, it was actually a very famous Brad Pitt impersonator. Which was odd, she said, because he had arrived in a limo with police escort.
Sean, Greg and I all made deliberate treks past the table in question: it sure looked liek him. At one point, we noticed some girls at the table, talking to "Mr. Pitt" and getting his autograph. Finally, our waitress decided she was going to go up to him and ask. In the end, she was still unsure.
None of us are really sure if it was him or not, but even if it was an impersonator, it was still the most star-studded night of my life. Which, living in Toronto, is kind of pathetic.

Also, the Leafs lost to Ottawa spectacularly last night, for which I take full credit, since I am their bad-luck charm. They even lost the fist-fights on the ice!

There are five-weeks-less-a-day until Vega's birthday. Do you know what you're getting her? Perhaps you should look at her wishlist. She only wants music. Vega has no joy in her life except that provided by music, and if you were a real friend, you would only want to enhance that.

And despite popular belief, I am not being a bitch.

Mein Geschlecht schimpft mich Verräter
Ich bin der Alptraum aller Väter

...

Ich wünsche, dass ich war "der Alptraum aller Väter." :p

I think I'll just quote myself from what I posted on Josh's blog.

I got [Rosenrot] the other day and yes, it is AMAZING!
I actually think they underwent [a] metamorphosis with Reise, Reise. With that album they really reached a whole new level. Their sound became very mature, and their lyrics became a lot more serious (Compare “Tier” and “Bück dich” from Sehnsucht to “Morgenstern” and “Stein um Stein” from Reise, Reise). Which is not to say they are no longer the naughty little tongue-in-cheek boys they once were, but their cheekiness comes out in more subtle ways, a line here, a note there. And of course, through their signature Rammstein “twist at the end.”
I think the Rosenrot album as a whole is a lot like its liner art: introverted, and with a bit of a goth-cabaret feeling going on. It carries on with the seriousness of Reise, Reise but also has several moments of youthful frivolousness.
I am completely in love with [the songs] “Mann gegen Mann” (Which is a rather cheeky song) and “Rosenrot.” The only disappointment was “Ein Leid” which I feel would have worked better as a fast, hard-hitting song.
And now I have to go listen to the album again.

Damn you Harper! That man is strumming this nation like his personal guitar of evil. "Oh, we'll cut the GST! We'll give money to the little children!" And it doesn't even matter if those promises are a good idea or not, since they are simple and straight-forward and people will remember them.
Grr.

It is the last week of term, and my brain has chosen this time to commit mutiny. I can't focus on school work. But I most certainly can focus on everything else. I can't get to sleep because I can't turn my brain off.

Rosenrot today.

I AM THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN ALL CREATION FOR I HAVE TRIUMPHED OVER U OF T! Specifically, I just got back my physics midterm, on which I got 74%. Uh-huh. Not only did I get what we in the profession call a "B," I also surpassed the class average by 6%.

And now that that is out of the way...
The election is on, baby.

And only two days into the campaign, there is already scandal in my riding, Etobicoke-Lakeshore. Jean Augustine, Liberal MP who has held the riding since 1993 has stepped down. In her place the Grits are running, get this, Michael Ignatieff. Ignatieff is an interesting character, descendant of Russian aristocracy, attended Upper Canada College and Trinity College at U of T. He has taught at Cambridge and Harvard. In his youth, he spent several years in Belgrade, which shaped his unorthodox views of Jugoslav politics. He has argued in favour of the war in Iraq, "Star Wars" and certain forms of torture. On the other hand, the is a renowned scholar who writes on human rights.
Shockingly, there is a Wikipedia article on him, highly up-to-date, from which I got most of this information.
The thing about Ignatieff is that he seems to me like a one-man secret society: You hear his name whispered around, but don't really know who he is or what he is about. To be fair, this is mostly because he has spent the last thirty years abroad, which is more than my entire lifetime - what could I possibly know about him? But there is something strangely mysterious and suspicious about him. Maybe once I see him speak I'll reconsider... Which may be very easily achieved, since he'll become a professor at U of T in January.

The Etobicoke-Lakeshore controversy is that Ignatieff made some unpopular comments about Ukrainian nationalism in 1993. Etobicoke-Lakeshore has a large Ukrainian population. There have already been protests against his candidacy. Furthermore, Marc Shwec, president of the Toronto branch of the Ukrainian Canadian Congress is trying to run as a Liberal, and the Grits are trying to prevent this from happening, saying he is not a member of the party.
You can read about this on page 8 of today's Metro.

Oh, and lest Canadian politics get too boring for you, Harper wants to un-do gay marriage is he becomes Prime Minister. That's on page 6 of the Matro.

A few moments ago I was overwhelmed by sadness. I realized that I don't exist anymore: I am a memory.
And while it may be that we are the sum of our past, it doesn't change the fact that it is past. All that remains is a fossil, white and dead.
I apologize for the vagueness, but I needed to take that thought out of my body.

Anyway...

Yesterday I saw Everything is Illuminated with Catalina. It was an awesome movie about an American looking for his Jewish family history in the Ukraine. It is touching and hilarious and thoughtful and features many delightful Eastern-Europeanisms, in which I delight.
Come to think of it, I've seen a lot of really great movies in the past few weeks: Water, Hotel Rwanda, Jarhead and now this.

Speaking of the media, only one more week until Rosenrot comes out. ::: Relief :::

On the subway ride down to the theatre yesterday, Catalina and I were talking about languages and I compared something to German. Suddenly I hear a voice say "You speak German?" I turned to find a small Indonesian guy, who went on to ask me various things abut my linguistic prowess. It was quickly discovered that we are both Rammstein fans, and we had a nice little talk for about two subway stops.

During this conversation we discussed classical versus modern music. I said that I don't really care for classical simply I find it harder to get harder to get really familiar with the music. I like knowing a song inside and out, and being able to anticipate every note.
Which got me to thinking: Is that a general statement about me? Do I prefer the tried-tested-and-true over something new? Specifically, I am thinking about people.
To answer me own question, I think it is "yes." I like to have a few good people around me, people whom I know inside and out. I like to be able to anticipate how they will behave. I believe that in life there is more than enough trauma and distress, and the last thing we need is to find yet more when we come home.

The construction on my building is almost finished. It's taken a long time, and I'll be glad to see it all wrapped up and the construction workers gone.

The worst part of this whole experience is that, despite the fact that the management said that work would start at 9am each day, the workers actually start closer to 7. Furthermore, for some strange reason, all the loud clanging-banging work is only done in the morning, and by 10 it gets very quiet.

As you can imagine, it is very much not appreciated that they start work so early. Some of us are trying to sleep, for only in sleep can we escape the existential questions that plague our waking hours. Others are just tired. It was particularly annoying then they were working on my side of the building: I would be woken up by men outside my window, and panic because I was severely under-clothed for the occasion.

However, today I feel a great deal of warmth for the workers. They have won my heart with a single highly incongruous act.

One usually imagines construction workers as being very tough, rugged man's men. They like their beer cold, their women pregnant, and so on. This morning, I was suddenly brought into consciousness at 7:15 by very loud music playing. This isn't unusual, they often play music, though usually they manage to keep it quiet. Not only was it very, very loud, but the burly men were listening to... Enya.

When I fully woke myself up, I told myself it was a dream... After all, it didn't make any sense. Then, they started playing in again. They had the same song on loop, and I heard Wild Child about ten times this morning.

Capitalism, Abstract Buddhist Philosophy and the Phenomenon of Religion

I turn my back for one second, and Adnan goes and posts two more pages of Eid pics. As punishment, my Photo of the Day features the young Mr. Shamsuzzoha engaging in what we around here call "big pimpin'."

Now that that's out of the way...

The Phenomenon of Religion
The above title refers to a course I'm taking, RLG211. Yesterday I got back a test I had written in the course: I got 85%. That, boys and girls, is what we call an "A." Boo yah.

Abstract Buddhist Philosophy
Yet still on the topic of school, in RLG206 we're now doing a chapter on Buddhist philosophy in India. After the course in Complex Variables, this is the most exciting and stimulating thing I've studied at University so far.
A week or so ago I was starting to wonder, "we've covered all of the fundamentals of Buddhism, what more is there to learn for the next semester-and-a-half?" The answer to my question is: Lots.
I'm reading about all the old Abhidharma schools, which differ from each other only in their subtle disagreements on the matter of cognition. It's a fascinating discussion, and I am looking forward to going upstairs (to the 3rd floor of Robarts) and reading more.
I am tantalized.

Capitalism
I borrowed Adnan's copy of Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser the other day, and am completely engrossed in it.
Mr. Schlosser takes a look at the fast food industry, not from a health perspective, but from every other one. He looks at business practices of the fast food restaurants, their origins chronologically, their advertising tools, how they grow and process the food, and how they treat their employees.
For the most part, none is it is new or contrary to what you may have already suspected. But being hit by this information over and over really makes a deep impact.
It very disheartening to see what a farce capitalism has become. Free enterprise my ass.

When I woke up today it seemed like it was going to be an awful day. I turned off my alarm clock and thought: "I don't want to get up. It's cold and there are bears after me."
I managed to force myself out of bed and into the world. A big part of why I was feeling rotten was because of my physics problem set, which was due, but not done.

I got to school, and after physics I went with Patrick to the lounge/study room in McLennan. We were soon joined by Grace, Steven, and Joel (the last two of whom I had before only known by sight). We worked on our problem sets for about two hours. I know it seems strange to say, but I really enjoyed this. Talking and joking around and spending time with other physics geeks was really refreshing and invigorating.

And then it started to snow. ^_^
It's a good day after all.

Here are some Eid pics. I'm the white one!

Yesterday I was on the subway, examining an advertisement for the album of some character named Rihanna. The advertisement claimed that this album featured the "hit song" Pon De Replay. As I was contemplating the word "pon" (and yes, I do know what the word means, I was privy to a long discussion on the subject last Saturday), when I realized that I knew this song. I could hear it playing clearly in my head, and there it got stuck. It's still kind of there, and I'm trying to medicate the situation with KMFDM and Eisbrecher.

The thing is, this means that some part of my brain is dedicated to remembering this song. A segment that could be used for remembering a physics equation or the conjugation of a German verb is instead being used to hold the words "Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay."

Why does my brain do this to me?

In other news, the Shamzzusohha (wuzzle wazzle) family Eid party was held last weekend, and I had a wonderful time. ^_^ All of Adnan's friends are so nice, and I want to make them mine. Bwa!

Music To Die To

You know it's love when you put it on loop. I've been listening to this song over and over... And indeed, to the whole Hau Ruck album. Why does music feel so good?

Ready to Blow, by KMFDM

I can hardly breathe
Lost and hopeless
Down so low
Something died inside
I just can't believe it
Violent tendancies
Murder, madness
Good gone bad
Try to talk about it
Nobody believes me

Static in my head
Lines blur red
Got my mind made up
And my trigger finger ready to blow
Finger on the trigger I'm a barrel of a gun
Ready to blow

Life draws out of me
Spent and broken
All mixed up
Crying out in vain
Somebody release me
Evil speaks to me
Caustic rage I've no control
A living hell of hate
Sinister deceiving

Out of my mind in this fucked up head
I want everything that I never had
A little something a reason why
Ready to blow I'm ready to die
Depart this world on a silver bullet
I never believed I would ever pull it
Now's the time, here's my show
Ready to go I'm ready to blow

Time stands still for me
Black and blistered
Drown my sleep
Let thy will be done
Make it quick and easy

The hair, she is... huh?

Yesterday I tried to dye my hair. I say "tried" because it didn't exactly work. I was going for black but what I got was... I don't know, a sort of dark chocolatey brown with subliminal hints of purple. At first I was disappointed that I had wasted $10 (which is almost two hours pay!) but now I kind of like this colour.

It's currently raining like it has something to prove. It's beautiful. ^_^

Is it wrong that watching George Stroumboulopoulos interview Ralph Nader last night made me wet?

I prefer to begin with on sour note, so that I may end with a bright one. Hence:
So much for my idea of this being an easy year. I'm doing pretty well in physics, so to make up for it, all of my arts courses decided to suck. I've been doing miserably in German... And it's mostly my own fault. I need to really sit down and memorize that stuff, but I can't seem to get myself out of the mind set that it is a bird course.

Now that that is out of the way...

Another wonderful weekend. It started when Sean and I went to see Water on Friday. It was amazing. At the end I was in tears, and Sean was quite upset, too. We walked around for a long time discussing the issues brought up by the movie - mostly how people use religion as a tool to manipulate and abuse one another. It really struck a cord with both of us, and I advise everybody to see it.
And yes, John Abraham was fuckin' hot. He also gave a great performance, and it was so cool to see him in a Hollywood movie. It is a distinctly different vibe than the Bollywood kind, even the new, serious Bollywood films.

Later I met up with Greg, Mitul, and her friend Ashwin (and later with Miranda and her friend). We went to this really cool bar/lounge on the 51st floor of the Manulife Centre - need I say how amazing the view was? The skyline was lit up, and I fell in love with Toronto for the millionth time.

If I may take a detour... It is, as you may have noticed, fall. Consequently, Toronto is in the midst of its own highest glory, the time of year when the air is crisp, the light is bright, and every building and every tree looks more real than at any other time. I find myself walking the streets and becoming intoxicated by the air: I want to breathe this whole city in! The leaves are piling up on the sidewalks, and I never want it to end.

I got home at about 1:30am, which my dad decided to use against me. He and I have been fighting a lot about money lately, you see, so when I went out on Saturday night he decided to freak out on me. I, being stubborn, decided to "stick it to the man" by coming home at 3:30am. I felt a little silly about all of that. It would be one thing coming home late if I was out somewhere cool and risqe, but instead we all went to the Fox and the Fiddle, down the street from where I live, and then to Greg's to watch Hotel Rwanda (which also rocked).

I am reminded on how, on Adnan's 20th birthday, we went to his place and played Monopoly. Yes, we're that cool. While the other kids usually go out drinking and whoring it up for their birthday, we get our Monopoly on!

The highlights of Sunday were getting paid (woot!) and going to Demetre's for Mitul's birthday.

As I said, another wonderful weekend.

Photobucket Stuff

The good people at Photobucket decided to be nice to their users by expanding each bucket from 25BM up to 50BM. While a nice gesture, this means that I have spent over five hours at Greg's place shifting Velf18-3 and -4 into -1 and -2. I am... Slightly dizzy.

Any direct links you may have had might now be broken, but fret ye not, all the pics are still there, you just have to find them.

Velf18-3 is now accepting new pics. Furthermore, I imagine it will soon be filled with Halloween goodness for all to enjoy.

Woot!

Mmm... That weekend was just what I needed.

We departed on Friday, at about 12:30. With Daddy #1 (Kevin) driving, Daddy #2 (Adnan) in the passenger's seat, and the kids (me, Sean, and Greg) in the back, we set out. Out first stop was Hamilton, where we picked Miranda up. We also got to take a look at her place, and I was very impressed. It was all kinds of pink, and that made me happy. Then it was a long drive to London to get Adam. We got into Windsor in the evening. The road trip was so much fun, despite being so long. There was much cool music, car-discoing, and conversations. Not to mention nap-porn and the intense drama of Sean breaking his fast.
We entered Mitul's lovely, large, tidy apartment. Within all of three seconds, it was a mess. That's not surprising: 7 teenagers + 1 weekend = lots of stuff (Okay, so only Mitul is still a teenager... But we're young, noisy, and eat a lot, so that's close enough). We relaxed for a while, and even had time to have a nice heart-to-heart before going out for a walk and some bubble tea. It was a pretty mellow night, just enjoying each other's company.

The next day we had breakfast at Golden Griddle, where we ate far, far too much. Mandy, Adz, Kevin and I went to the library to study because we suck. Everyone else went and had fun and enjoyed their youth - I believe a casino was involved. Nothing says "enjoying your youth" like mindlessly loosing $25.
When we got back to Mitul's place, it was slight pandemonium. We were doing our Halloween thing, which meant the evening was a blur of costume application. Adnan's friend Laura and Mitul's friend Ashwin joined us. It was discovered that I have a bit of a latent for applying makeup(or maybe it's just that I own most of it), so I was left to getting all the boys ready. This process involved each of the boys, one by one, lying down on the floor, and having me straddle them. I would by lying if I said this wasn't a lot of fun on my part, especially since it allowed me to discover first hand just how fit some of them are. ^_^ . Aside from the obvious pleasantness of this process, I was really happy with the results I got. I discovered a lot of fun blood-products, and I loved some of the effects I got. Doing my own makeup was not as easy - I went as the Absinthe Fairy. It was hard to get the green on evenly, but eventually I triumphed over costume makeup, and I was thrilled with the results. I am also so very grateful for setter, or else everyone and everything around me would have been green. Pictures of all this will be up soon.
The night was SO MUCH FUN. In fact, if I were to summarize it in a four words, they would be: OH GOD, FUCK YES! We went to two clubs and danced the night away.

The next day started out with a bit of drama: Greg felt really sick and had trouble breathing. Adnan and Kevin took him to the hospital, and we found out he was okay, just acid. We set off for Toronto, and had another great road-trip. The highlight of the return trip was Kevin stopping the van in the middle of nowhere to take pictures by the side of the highway. A trucker honked at us!

The whole weekend was over way too fast, but I'm so glad for it. I feel so refreshed and happy. I have the best friends in the world. I can't wait to do it again!

In the life of a U of T student, you know that winter is really on its way when your usual short-cut across Front Campus turns into a squishy muddy transect of doom.
Winter is on its way.

Something strange is happening in my nocturnal life. There was a period of several weeks where I was having the most restless sleep. I had all sorts of very vivid and emotional dreams which often woke me up several times per night. I'm not waking up at night any more, but my sleep is certainly overfilled with dreams, which means my brain is dealing with all sorts of issues, but isn't telling me what they are.

Furthermore, I have become far far far too obsessed with various male personalities. In particular, I am living out an all too realistic fantasy life with Alexx. I also felt entirely too happy when I saw John Abraham on a poster for Water at Museum Station last night. On top of all that, I am systematically developing crushes on all of my TAs. Yes, yes, I can hear what you're saying right now, and I agree: this is all because I'm not getting any. Sexual deprivation is eating away at my brain.
Sort of explains why Schrðdinger was such a womanizer, doesn't it?
Though I'm sure this is highly hilarious to outsiders, it is becoming a serious problem for me. I don't like being so FanGirl, and my consciousness is better spent in other places.

Perhaps this weekend's trip to Windsor will help preoccupy my mind. But when will I have time for costume shopping?

Last night I ran into a guy whom I knew from physics. I talked to him a bit about the 3rd year courses he's taking, about our mutual friends, and about his plans for after undergrad.
Afterwards, I felt overwhelmed by a sense of loss. I had invested so much time and energy into wanting to be a physicist, only to find out that that path is not the right one for me. Talking to that guy reminded me of how much I had wanted that dream, and it suddenly hurt a lot to know I've had to change plans.

I was hanging out with Neil when this happened, so I was able to talk to him about it, and that helped get the feelings out, rather than dwelling on them.

I know that my new plan is better for me. Becoming a journalist will offer me more satisfaction and more success than becoming a physicist could have. And it doesn't mean I will never study physics again - I just won't do it professionally.

Changing life plans isn't easy, but what's right rarely is.

Yesterday was a really nice day.

First my tutoring with Jean-Pierre went really well. He's finally getting the hang of long multiplication, and he was so excited that he kept on asking for more and more problems to solve. Seeing this enthusiasm made me feel so good!

Then I had yoga class, and it was awesome! After just a few lessons, I can already see that I am able to stretch further and hold the postures longer than before. I am becoming stronger, and the realization that I'm improving made me feel just so happy to be in my body. I felt like my body was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and it just felt so good to be in it.
The only problem is that I can't turn my brain off during yoga. I try not to think about anything, but then all of these memories start coming up, memories I haven't touched in a long time. On the other hand, they are nice memories that make me feel calm and happy, so I guess that's not too terrible.
I suspect that I carry tension in my feet. I wonder if there is something I can do about that...

Meep? According to the official Rammstein website, Rosenrot will not be released in Canada until December 6. Was the guy at HMV lying to me? Is that how he gets his kicks, by misleading little girls who love German industrial music? Is nothing sacred in this world?
Or, maybe Rosenrot really will be here in November. I guess I'll find out then. And, if I do have to wait until December, at least it gives me time to acquire some cash.

Speaking of cash, it looks like I'm going to start tutoring Miranda's sister, Elena. For $15 per hour!Yay real money!

I'm feeling slightly glum right now, so I will amuse everyone with a story I call...

The Superman Shirt

On the sixth of this month, I was sitting in my Buddhism course, having a delightful time as we started learning about the dharma (religious teachings). At some point during the lecture, a guy walks into the lecture hall, and takes the seat next to me. He's not actually in the course, but is sitting in with his friend, and the friend occupies the seat one-over from me (It's funny how you know these things without ever having to ask about them).

At one point during the lecture, the prof is talking about the idea of anatman (no-soul). I raise my hand and ask, "If there is no soul, what gets reincarnated?" The prof answers that it is karmic energies that are the subject of transmigration. In retrospect, this was a dumb question, because I already knew the answer, but at the time I forgot that I know the answer. My Buddhism is a bit rusty, you see.

At the break, the guy next to me turns to me and we start talking about reincarnation, and other matters. I was wearing my Superman shirt that day, and he asked me about it, since he's into Superman. I explained that I'm not really that into Superman, I just dig the shirt, but what I really want now is a Thundercats shirt. Sadly, those only come in men's sizes.

The following week, I'm back in that lecture. At the end of class, the guy who is taking the course with me, Grahm, turns to me and says "Neil sent you this," and he hands me a package. Inside was a Superman shirt and note saying: Vega, I tried, this is the best I could do...

I was delighted by this. The next day I was online and about to e-mail Neil to thank him, when he came on MSN. We agreed to meet up the next day. That was last Saturday.

The moral of the story, children, is that novelty T-shirts are a great way to meet people.

For lack of real updates, I'll share some of the stuff I'm looking forward to:

Nov 4. - Rosenrot comes out.
Nov 4. - Another Serbian play with the parents.
Nov 7. - Mitul's birthday. Woot!
Nov 7. - The Hour returns to the CBC! George!

Oh, and of course, the weekend in Windsor. Yaay!

Grr... On Monday I tried to get a pay raise... And instead I got a pay cut.

I'm not that mad. I understand that they can't really afford it. And Jean-Pierre needs my help, and I do enjoy tutoring quite a bit. But it sucks to know I'm making $6 per hour.
On the other hand, it's money that I wouldn't otherwise have. I am grateful for the ways in which it makes things easier. But more would be nice.

Perhaps this emotional ambivalence is why today's lesson was the most frustrating so far.

In addition to the oodles of Thanksgiving pics already up, I've added a few.

So last night I'm leaving the AC after yoga class, when I notice all of the different campus newspapers in stands by the door. I realize that it's the middle of the month, and I haven't read the Toike yet! So I picked one up, and joy immediately followed.

You can read the issue online, because they're engineers, they're hip to the internet.

I desperately need to share something out of this month's issue. Taken from The Toike Oike, Vol XCIX - Issue 2, October 2005 - Page 3, from the News Briefs Section:

Marriage Already Gay

MIT researchers have concluded that the gay marriage issue that has dominated politics in recent years is a non-starter since all forms of marriage are technically "gay" already. Scientist, Ed Barnike, commented, "OK, yes there is a man and a woman, but all the flowers!? C'mon. Then you sit around in fancy clothes and eat cake and drink champagne and everyone talks about how much they care for one another!? I don't care how damn hot she is, clearly the institution of marriage has been gay for centuries." The researchers have also discovered that the theory of relativity may cease to apply if more than 10 metrosexuals attend the same funeral.

Lest you get your knickers in a twist, allow me to update you on my life.

Friday, October 7: I attended a Serbian play called Cudo u Šarganu with my "parents." It was absolutely brilliant. It takes place in a bar called the Šargan in Belgrade. We are introduced to the people who work there and the people who frequent it. Hilarity ensues. We learn that no one can deceive us as much as we can deceive ourselves. I've always felt that Serbian cinema and theatre are among the best in the world, and this was further evidence to that fact. We were sitting front row, centre, which was rather nice. At the end of the show, when the actors were bowing, one of the actors came up to me and extended his hand. I was confused and surprised, and after a few moments I realized he wanted me to shake his hand, so I did. My father considers these few moments of hesitation to be the most embarrassing of his life. :p

Saturday, October 8: The day began with time spent with the girls at the Eaton Centre. I purchased pants. I consider myself victorious.
We had to delay dinner because Sean is fasting for Ramadan. When we did get to Red Lobster, we had to wait over an hour to get a table. Nonetheless, I feel it was worth the wait, because once we were finally seated I gorged myself on yummy yummy sea creatures. I had escargot for the first time - it was okay.
After dinner, all of the blood was in our stomachs, which explains why we were all so silly and giggly.

Sunday, October 9: Lots of hanging out, spread out into several sessions.

Now: Homework.

I have updated my timetable to reflect my new activities.

Sadly, I was not able to get into PHL245. The last day to register came and went, and no one dropped the course. It's no big deal, I'll just take it next year/in the summer.

To make up for the lack of a course, I enrolled in a weekly yoga class. I'm doing Hatha Yoga, with a delightful instructor. My first lesson was last week, and the course will last for ten weeks.

My other new and exciting thing is that I finally have a student! The situation isn't quite what I wanted - I'm working a lot more than I expected, and earning a lot less. Nonetheless, I found my first lesson with Jean-Pierre very rewarding. He is in grade six (another minor disappointment) and has been living in Chile for the past two years. As far as I can tell, he received no mathematics training there whatsoever, because he is exactly where a fourth grader should be at this point. Despite all of these many setbacks, as I said, I found my first lesson with him very rewarding. I can't put my finger on what it was I enjoyed, but I left the lesson feeling pumped.

I do hope to get another student. I am currently set to work with Jean-Pierre for six hours per week, and earn $40. That means I'm getting less than $7 per hour. Which sucks. The reason I accepted this offer was because I was desperate to get my first job, and I would have settled for almost anything. I do hope I will get another student, whom I can charge a more standard fee ($15).

In 20 minutes I have an interview for a volunteer tutoring thing (I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but again, it's another opportunity to get experience and build my resume).

Other than that, I need to get cracking on the next Oscillations problem set... musn't fall behind on a course that I'm repeating...

Thanksgiving weekend! Seafood and Garba and Friends, oh my!

Ooh... I hate the Catholic church. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT!!! The Catholic church makes me wish there was no such thing as freedom of religion, so that we could just squash them.
The reason I am so enraged is that I just read something the Pope said:
"There can be no justice where man makes himself the only master of the world and of himself."
Words do not suffice for what I am feeling.

Memory of my Youth

Last night, driving down Montgomery Rd. Kevin and Biljana in the front, Sean, Adnan and Greg in the back, me perched half on Adnan and half on Greg. All of us singing Wake Me Up When September Ends very loudly, and not very musically.

Adnan and me, running across the ECI football field, hand-in-hand, giggling.

Now class, compare and contrast the following to our reading from earlier today:

Don't you hate it when you're hanging out, feeling all sexy and good in the outfit you're wearing, only to have your insensitive father tell you how fat you're becoming?

In all fairness, I think I won that one. I pointed out that if I had actually gained weight every time he told me so, I ought to by logic be massive by now. He doesn't like it when I point out these minor flaws, like his complete lack of parenting skills, so he complained to Sonja about it. He said: "She used to be the most-well-kissed child in all the world," and was about to carry on in that line, until Sonja asked "so is that why you put the chain on the door to lock her out?"
As I said, I won that one. ^_^

This disfunctional moment brought to you by the Janic family.

I love my mom. She is ten kinds of awesome. I can't wait to see her this winter.

Though I realize it is already Wednesday, this is the first opportunity that I've had both the time and the inclination to talk about my weekend. And by "weekend" I mean "Saturday," because I can't actually remember what I did on Friday and Sunday, though I suspect the answer may be "nothing."

Anyway.

Miranda was in town this weekend, so on Saturday morning I went with her and her sister to see Corpse Bride. We all agreed that it was fantastic. I just don't get how all of that can be made of clay, especially since so many of the characters have huge heads and tiny ankles. I personally explain the phenomenon by turning to the fact that Tim Burton is not fully human, but has access to the terrifying powers of darkness. Powers that he uses for claymation. And possibly taking over the world.

After the movie we went to Goodwill, where Mandy found an awesome chandelier-thing. I went home, took a nap, then headed over to Adnan's to prepare for the show that night.

This was the third year of the CODC school's Mahabharata-based dance dramas. This year, we learned about the story of Karna (a.k.a. KARNAAAA!). It was phenomenal! The costumes and special effects were great, and the dancing was amazing, and there were actually men in it this year! I can't say enough about the performance. I can't wait until next year: The Arjuna show will be mind-blowing.

After the show, we went with a bunch of Adnan's friends (Ipshi among them. Whoo! Go Ipshi!) to Lahore Tikka House for a very late night supper. The food was, as usual, amazing. One very interesting piece of Toronto culinary news is that Lahore Tikka House is renovating. They're done with the bathrooms, which are now super uber posh. When they're done, it's gonna be a really swanky place.

And so concluded Saturday.

I, as per usual, have been somewhat lost in time since then. I remember hanging out with Adnan and watching QAF yesterday, and hanging out with all mah boiz as well. Time is otherwise a blur. Blurry!

The inclination to write has left me. Bye!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I never liked Mathias.

I like this:

How to make a elf18

Ingredients: 5 parts success 3 parts arrogance 5 parts energy

Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of emotion

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Last night was marked by my doing some reading for Intro to Buddhism, and listening to music. Though this may sound like a completely unspectacular way to spend a Friday night, two things came out of it that I would like to share.

The first, about Nirvana:
I was reading a very detailed description of how the Buddha attained Nirvana. At the same time, I kept hearing my prof's voice in my head, saying that the word Nirvana means "to go extinct."
And suddenly it hit me.
I've always been fascinated by the similarities and differences between Hinduism and Buddhism. Last night, one of the main differences finally sank in: Where Hinduism tries to use Vedic dharma to balance out one's karma, Buddhism tries, in single moment, to annihilate karma itself.
This realization delighted me.

The second this is about music. I wrote this in my paper journal, but I want to write it out for all to see:

You often hear the results of the survey that concluded that "x% of women prefer chocolate to sex."
Clearly, these women are either crazy of have terrible lovers. I can't understand how someone might feel this way.
But if the survey question were to compare sex and music, I think I might need to pause and think about it.
I don't know if other people have these same reactions to music as I do - I've never heard anyone else talk about it. But it seems unlikely that only I should be treated to this delightful element of human experience.
I often wish I could watch myself when I'm listening to music, alone in my room with my headphones on. I clutch my chest, cover and uncover my face, gasp, moan, mouth the words...
Chocolate, once on the tongue, is static. It does nothing different from moment to moment. [physics analogy edited out]
Music is by far more comparable to a lover. At each session you discover something new, or discover something old as if it were new. At each session there are things you know will happen (a certain note, a certain technique), and the knowledge of their imminence creates a delicious anticipation. And in the moment before it happens, you hold your breath.
Like a lover, music washes over you in waves with tsunami-like intensity. It beats on you with power, energy, with the essence of life itself. It envelops your body and assaults your soul with a single word: Yes!
And afterwards, you are happy.

There are some places in the world that have been plagued by war since time immortal. Places where, as far back as our archeology allows us to look, there have been human beings who were more than glad to kill one another over the ownership of a patch of land. These are regions where peace is merely the time between battles, not a natural state in its own right.
One such place is the region once known as Canaan. It's puzzling, being a desert and all, but people seem to adore this place. And be it Israelites and Philistines or Israelis and Palestinians (aren't those the same thing? ^_^), they will continue to kill each other. It's almost pointless to even pay attention to it. Yes, yes, it seems very callous to just dismiss people and their suffering and their deaths, but as I said, they will keep on fighting until the last days of this earth.
Another such place is my apartment.
The temporary pax of the past two months has ended. My father, who had previously taken pity on me and my newly found singledom - and my sensitiveness thereof - had taken a break from pestering me. But no more.
I'm sure the problem is mostly that he leaves for work later in the morning, meaning that he is around when I wake up. I maintain that I am actually a morning person, it's just that he knows how to push my buttons.
Yes Adnan, I know. He is just a parrot. I will try harder to not react.

I am feeling very meh. I had planned on going to a house warming party tonight, but Mubdhi was not in class today, so I couldn't ask him when or where to be. It sucks, because I had psyched myself up over this. You see, Mubdhi is very well connected, and I was feeling very excited about meeting all the sorts of people whom he might invite to such an affair. But it did not come to pass.

You know what I miss? I miss being able to be weak in front of someone. I miss the freedom to be able to cry, and not feel guilty about it, or like an imposition. I miss feeling like I have an equal in this world.
I feel like I am floating above a giant Where's Waldo picture. I looks through stacks and stacks of people and don't see myself reflected in any of them. And I panic, for I know someone must exist who is what I want, but where? And what if he is hiding in plain sight, where I will never find him?
The concept of starting a new relationship repulses and depresses me. I see nothing appealing about courtship, about long phone conversations, dates, gifts, and uncertainty. I just wish I could fast-forward through all of that, or at least try to ignore it. I just want to get to the good stuff.
Life moves far too slowly sometimes.

I've got some new poems on Mischief that I'd like to share: She cries, Edward, and Heat. Enjoy.

Somehow, I think I might be able to find a better use for my life than attending lectures during which the prof paraphrases the textbook. Tonight's lecture was a complete waste of an hour-and-a-half of my time. Indeed, I learned more from my reading on the subway.
There was one good thing about the lecture - the last three minutes, during which the beginnings of a discussion were happening. A bunch of people in the first two rows (among whose number I am counted) began talking with the prof about some of the material. I love that sort of thing, where we can all just have a mental tennis match, every sentence beginning with "I think... I think..." But it is natural that I should love such discussions - every sentence begins with my favorite words: "I Think!"

That reading I did on the subway - I've been following through with my Be-A-Better-Vega resolutions, and studying religion again. I've been reading about Sikhism, and I'm getting into it. It is such a beautiful, thoughtful, and enlightened religion, a religion for the modern world. When Guru Nanak had his spiritual realization, the first words he spoke were "There is no Hindu. There is no Muslim." The old divisions of faiths had become obsolete.

As you may be aware, I have very little personal esteem for theistic religions. Indeed, I think that believing in a god is uncivilized, even barbaric. It seems to me like mythology, and that any human being, presented with the scope of knowledge we have of the world, would choose to believe in a deity completely baffles and repulses me. I do no apologize for this view.

Of course, that's just me. I should stress that your karma is your karma, you can believe whatever you want to believe. We're all going to the same place in the end.

But on that personal level of what *I* think is right, Sikhism appeals to me. It's so simple and elegant and clean. There are no moral commandments, just songs of joy. There are no divisions, just community. There are no strangers, only brothers.

I'm sure that it, like every other religion, has been bastardized by its practitioners (Some days I want to vomit, I feel completely sick by what some Hindus do in the name of their "religion," and I find it repugnant that I have chosen a label that clumps me in with people who believe in the caste system, or satee, or the impurity of women, or any of that other superstitious bullshit.) but in this moment, where I am discovering it as for the first time, it seems wonderful.

The best thing about being home alone is that you can lounge around in whatever degree of nakedness you please. Not that I would know anything about that sort of thing. :::shifty eyes:::

One whole week of school has gone by, so now is the perfect time to update you on my academic life:

GER300: I have the same prof as last year, which is kind of nice. I'm a little bit overwhelmed by the idea of everything in class being done in German, and I am attempting to soothe myself by actually studying. I have a little pocket German-English dictionary, and I spend most of my subway ride with my nose buried therein.

PHY255: Waves. Same prof as last time, but new TAs. One of the TAs, Krister, was my lab TA in first year, and I had a tutorial with him today. I still have to meet the other TA, but Krister and Marj are both real sweethearts, so I think I've won out in that regard. As for the material itself, I am kicking myself for failing this course. So far it is all mind-numbingly easy.

PHL245: Not yet officially enrolled. -_-

RLG101: I've said something about this one a few days ago...

RLG206: The prof in this one is one of those delightful, slightly eccentric types. But that's not the best part. The best part is that one of the TAs for the course is a real live Tibetan monk! For real! Waii!

Sadly, so far I have not nearly enough course work to keep my occupied. I am going slightly mad with boredom. I'm gonna go kill some kittens now. Yesss...

Today, for the first time, I had a German sausage.
Sadly, this does not mean that I met a nice boy from Berlin.
-_-

You know how I often bemoan how hard it is for me to find someone whom I can truly respect? Well, it's not surprising that that should be the case, when you look at some of the people crawling around on this planet.
I am currently filled with nothing but the most exquisite contempt for my fellow students in RLG101.

The prof is a sweet, charming Serbian/Croatian lady, with what appears to be a serious and highly academic interest in religion. Today she did the obligatory going-over-the-syllabus thing, and a small introduction to the course. This introduction was a mildly boring discussion on Western notions of religion as being irrelevant in our modern world, and how this very dismissal of it as a phenomena is itself very dogmatic.

No biggie, right?

It seems that it is very much a biggie for many of my classmates. First it was a ditzy girl who immediately after lecture went up to her friend and said "Ohmygod we are switching out of this!" Then it was the hoards of people who just could not, COULD NOT believe that they were expected to take notes off of what she was saying, without the aid of lecture notes or slides!

For the love of god, this is Religion, not Rocket Science! This is what they call a bird course, do you really need it to be spoon-fed to you?

I remember Dr. Smale in high school, who very much expected us to take notes as he spoke, because he insisted that this was a mere sample of what would await us in University. Poor Dr. Smale, what would he say if he saw this?

But perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps it's not the kids who are at fault, but the system which has allowed then to exist for 18-19 years without every having to exert their brains.

::: dance :::
I got a cumulative GPA of 1.54 and I'm feeling fine... oh yeah...

They finally put my grades up ^_^ And I love Shai Cohen.

Engineering party last night. Wow. WOW.
Sean and I met up with Rosana and a bunch of other SMCers. Sean had to leave early, and I got fed up with the SMCers (someone would wander off, and the rest of us would have to waste time looking for them, and since I didn't even know the names of most of these people, I decided I didn't care) so I spent a most of the last two hours I was there dancing with myself.

I was strangely forgiving of the musical choices (read: mistakes) of my generation. But then, I think there are a lot of things I would forgive engineers for. Nonetheless, I think I should bury myself in KMFDM for a while, lest I find my brain begins to drip out.

The best conversation of the night:
To set it up, some guy wanted to dance with me. Now, we all know that by "dance" he meant he wanted my ass pressed against his crotch, and I wasn't having any of that. Instead, I told him that if he wanted to dance with me, he should just dance. He did, and he wasn't very good. Clearly, no grinding would happen here. Then some skanky girls entered the area.

me: I think you'll have better luck with those girls.
him: But you're better than those girls.
me: I know. That's why you'll have better luck with them.

Good times.

I'm on campus, finishing up some errands.
When I was first walking down St. George, I noticed loud music playing. It was coming from the Lambda Chi Alpha house. And then it hit me...
It's frosh week.

And that, my dear, means one very wonderful thing: Topless purple engineers.
Life is good. Very good.

So the show last night was a lot of fun. I think it's good that I don't know Bengali, because everyone was freaking out about running late, and I was just sitting there, waiting for someone to do my makeup, with not a care in the world.

There was a very plush carpet on the stage (I can't imagine why they did that - the person who put it there must have never performed in their life) which caught us all off guard and made it difficult to move well. Nonetheless, I think we all did well and kicked lots of ass. And I got lots of applause. ^_^

Hopefully, photos of the event will appear soon.
I put up pics of my longer hair, and a Gingerbread Man from when I went to the CNE with Sean and Katt. They are all in Photobucket Three.

I met up with Josh today. It was, naturally, awkward at first, but I think it was okay by the end. I think we'll be able to be friends, eventually.

I, for once, have several hours ahead of me that will not be occupied by social events. I will go clean, and then read. I'm about half-way through the Bhagavad Gita, and I must say, as far a religious texts go, it's not bad.
Yay free time!

Music is amazing.
I was feeling not-too-hot last night. I think I've been overexposed to humans lately. I'm so used to spending lots of time alone, and I can't quite adjust to spending all of time with others. I crave solitude.
So last night I got home, and was feeling blah. So I decided to write in my journal, and listen to some music. I put on Eisbrecher.
I wanted to preserve the mood I was in, so that I could write it down. But within moments, all I wanted to do was dance.

In gratitude, I post some lyrics:

Eisbrecher Wenn der Nebel kommt Wenn dich die Kälte beißt Wenn der Sirenenschrei die dunkle Nacht zerreißt Wenn die Hoffnung stirbt Wenn du den Kampf verlierst Wenn du des Teufels Hauch in deinem Nacken spürst Und es wird kalt Siehst Du den Eisbrecher Eine neue Eiszeit beginnt Komm mit mir auf den Eisbrecher Wir sind auf dem Weg ins Licht und das Eis um uns zerbricht Wenn die Tapferkeit aus deinem Krper weicht Und dir die Schattenwelt die Hand zum Gruße reicht Wenn der letzte Mann sich seinem Schicksal stellt Wenn es nichts mehr gibt was dich am Leben hält Und es wird kalt Siehst du den Eisbrecher Eine neue Eiszeit beginnt Komm mit mir auf den Eisbrecher Wenn die Nacht kein Wort mehr spricht und das Eis um uns zerbricht Und das Eis zerbricht

Icebreaker When the fog is coming When the cold is biting you When the siren's cry rips apart the night When hope is dying When you're losing the battle When you feel the Devil's breath against your neck And it's getting cold Do you see the icebreaker A new ice age is beginning Come with me on the icebreaker We are on the course into the light and the ice around us is shattering When the courage is draining from your body And the shadow world is shaking hands with you When the last man is facing his fate When nothing is left that is keeping you alive And it's getting cold Do you see the icebreaker A new ice age is beginning Come with me on the icebreaker When the night speaks no more words and the ice around us is shattering And the ice is shattering

Taken from here.

Just before my Complex Variables final, Adnan offered me a pound of his mom's home-made sweets if I did well on the test. Do well I did - or at least I got the 60 I needed in the course (Did I forget to mention that? I GOT A 60 IN CV!!!).
However, this taught Adnan a lesson that I hoped he would never learn: He discovered that I will do just about anything for Desi sweets. So, a few days later, when he was suckered into performing in a Bengali cultural dance show, and asked to find a white person to participate as well, all he had to do was look at me and say "I'll make it two pounds."
Last Sunday Adnan and I went to our second rehearsal. We spent the whole day there, in a severely underventilated room. I can't remember why, but Adnan upped his offer to three pounds. I will become very fat, but it will be worth it.

Today we are having another rehearsal. I am involved in a bridal fashion show (Adnan and I are the Muslim couple!) and a dance with Adnan in which he proposes marriage to me. This is very difficult, as I must look at Adnan with love in my eyes. It's hard to keep my face straight.

In other news:
If you ever wondered or didn't understand why I love Rammstein so much, go to herzeleid.com, where you will see the cover of their new single. I think it will explain everything.
On the Harry Potter front, the Lexicon has confirmed who R.A.B. is. Sparkle, sparkle.

Maybe it's the part of me that's not getting laid talking, but doesn't this sound kinky?




Haircut was successful. Will take pictures and post later.
I'm gonna give myself a little while to get used to it before I colour. Also, it may be a good idea to get a job before I get lime-green streaks.

Today is starting out very, very well

I was feeling miserably sick yesterday, but I feel a lot better now, and I have no temperature. And it doesn’t hurt to move!
Thanks to Arndt Peltner, the love of my life, I found out that there is a new KMFDM album out. This makes me feel tingly in my lady parts.
And, the best news in the universe ever.... I got a 60 in Complex Variables! The prof decided to be nice to me, and really bumped me up.

::: happy happy elf dance :::

I'm going in for my haircut today. I'm excited and nervous - I haven't had my hair styled in years. I'm gonna miss the hair, we've grown very close. Get it? Grown? Hair? Eh?

Today is exactly one month since Josh and I broke up. It seems strange that it's been such a short time, and it seems strange that I'm having a good day today.

A Summary of the Last Few Days

Thursday, August 18 - I can't believe that my calculus exam was only four days ago, but indeed, the 18th was the day of the test.
I finished it about half-an-hour before time was up, and as I was leaving, Shai Cohen, the prof, came out after me to thank me for being an awesome student to have. It made me feel really great that he did that.
When I got home, I made some calls, and ended up getting together with Matt. This was at about 11:30pm. We talked in the park for a long time, then started heading home. When we got to my parking lot, I realized I didn't want to go home yet, so we went for a drive. It was amazing, firstly because it gives me something of a jolt to finally be able to go out so late, and also because it really fills my heart to be out with a friend, driving with no purpose in mind, and bearing my soul.
I got home at about 2:30am.

Friday, August 19 - I got together with Katt on Friday, to take her on a grand tour of Toronto. The weather wasn't on our side to begin with, but after we persisted in going onward, despite the wind, it realized we would not be deterred, and calmed down.
We met up the Matt for dinner at the Friendly Greek on the Danforth. I had a wonderful octopus dinner, followed by the guilt of knowing I had just eaten a creature as intelligent as some people I went to high school with ^_^

Saturday, August 20 - The Ex! Katt, Sean and I went to the Ex, and although it felt like we weren't there very long, we had an awesome time. Katt and I went to the petting zoo, and we all ate lots of junk food. I think that the rides are more intense on me than when I was younger. The level of scariness is the same, but I found after getting off a ride I would walk around dazed for a while, getting my bearings back, and being grateful to be on terra firma.
At about 7, Sean and I started making our way to Tasneem's barbecue. Due to TTC problems, we ended up having a little adventure when Davis and Adnan came to pick us up, and we got lost. It was actually a lot of fun, I'd gladly get lost with those guys again.
It was really strange and neat to see Davis again. I am always impressed whenever I actually have a serious conversation with him, he is a very intelligent young man.
The barbecue was lots of fun. ^_^ Matt and Katt eventually showed up, and we all sat around in the back yard and talked.
At one point, I was talking to Tasneem's friend Kin about life and civilization, and I started to cry over the woes of mankind. I think it's amazing that I cried in from of a perfect stranger, and was not ashamed, and I'm sort of proud of myself because I could feel so deeply for something so distant.

Sunday, August 21 - Went to the ROM with Katt, and saw the Feathered Dinosaurs exhibit. Then came some shopping, followed by Matt's birthday party. I'm really glad we could do that for him. ^_^

Now I need breakfast. Ooh! I want eggs!

The best part of sitting at my desk and studying for hours on end is not the desk, nor the studying - but you might have guessed that. The best part is getting to systematically go through my CDs, and rediscovering old favorites.

No one will be surprised that I have fallen back in love with VAST, JJ72, Megaherz, or Goran Bregovic. But the thing that surprised me was that I actually enjoyed the Manic Street Preachers.
I only listened to This is my Truth Tell me Yours once, at which point I decided I hated it and put it away. I gave it another go last night, and was pleasantly surprised. It is certainly more mellow and monochromatic than that bands I truly love, but the Manics do have a certain introspectiveness. And, every once in a while, I like mellow.

The other great thing about studying is the tea. Endless cups of tea, with milk and honey. It sounds so hedonistic. ^_^

Breakfast now. Calc final later. Doom!

I got out of my exam a half-hour ago. I don't want to jinx it, so I'm only going to say "I think I did good."

The reason I wanted to post is that I feel the need to scream and shout about how much I love the Internet. For the past half hour, I have been researching careers, and am amazed by some of the things I have found.
I can't imagine how people did anything before the Internet. Well, I suppose I can imagine: they did it slowly. But that in a half-hour I've been able to look at apprenticeships available in Toronto, courses offered by colleges all over the world, and read biographies of people who have achieved what I want to achieve... It's a tiny, tiny world my friends, and everything is within reach.

Friday at Sushi Island was awesome. It had been so long since I had nigiri or sashimi... I can still feel the texture in my mouth... It was amazing food.
I even got to indulge my craving for octopus that night, with a spicy octopus salad. Bless those Japanese.
The company wasn't bad either. ^_^

I have my Complex Variables exam tonight, and Calculus on Thursday. That means I have entered... The exam cocoon.
Mmm... Cozy in here.

I have updated my timetable to include my schedule for next year, as well as my wishlist. The number of CD's that I want has grown to terrifying proportions. Indeed, there is one more CD on my wishlist than in my bedroom. I would do something about it, but both Rammstein and JJ72 are releasing material before the end of this year, and need to save da money.

Katt arrives on Thursday. Waii!

Foam Party.
Good Times.
I was actually impressed by the event. I had dreaded what kind of music would meet my ears; I thought there would be lots of hip-hop and other crap. I was pleased that instead there was a non-invasive mix of pop and oldies, the sort of music that everyone can tolerate, and no one loathes.
The place also wasn't terribly crowded. That was excellent. Lots of space to dance and fling foam at your friends.

The men, however, were complete savages. At first the attention was kind of fun. Actually, it was only fun the first time. Every successive time it only felt creepier and creepier. They didn't seem to get that when a girl pushes them away form her and walks away, it means she's not interested.

I don't want to soil this entry by reminiscing on that one flaw. The night was a lot of fun, no matter how you dice it.

When the guys (Adnan, Matt, Sean, and Greg) were walking me home, I had something of a breakdown. That word may be a bit overdramatic - I cry a lot these days. But the sound of my crying disturbed me, the way I was breathing.
I feel guilty about letting that happen in front of everyone. But I also feel relieved, like I let go of a lot of things weighing me down.

Lastly, new Photobucket added.

My Life Weekend Thus Far

Friday
I will begin with a minor anecdote. It goes nowhere, but it made me feel good.
I started the day by going downtown to run a stack of errands. I got off the subway at Bay, and began walking down Bloor. In front of the Aveda store was a young male employee, handing out samples of cool peppermint tea. I stopped to have some, and chatted with the employee. An older Greek gentleman comes up to investigate what is being given away. Upon not being greeted by the employee, he complains "You have no time for me, because you are too busy talking to the beautiful lady!" We all laugh. I finish my tea and thank the young man, and as I turn to leave the Greek gentleman touches my arm. I turn back around, and he says "By the way, I love you."
Walking away, I feel pleasantly uplifted. The pleasure must seep out of my skin, because for the rest of the morning the men on the street seem to see it.

I get home, to a frantic relationship situation among my friends. All is well now.
We meet up with Matt, up from Massachusetts. Yay Matt!

That night, Beshram. I met up with Adnan, Mitul, Adam, and Miranda at about 9:30 to leave. Upon reaching Fly (the club where Beshram was being held) we discovered that Adnan's health card was not adequate ID, so he went home for his passport. The rest of us didn't want to go in alone, so we went to get some food.
We ended up entering Fly at about midnight.
Beshram is intended to be a night out for gay Indians, set to the beat of remixed Bollywood music. Sadly, the crowd was neither as young nor as gay as we had hoped - Miranda and I had entertained fantasies of hot gay boys making out all over the dance floor, and perhaps ripping off each other's shirts, or something like that.
Tragically deprived of boy-on-boy action, we were left with nothing but to enjoy the club. And so we did.
I am so glad we went there, because I truly enjoyed Beshram. The music was just wonderful, happy and bouncy, and so so Desi. I kick myself now for wasting so much time at the Phoenix. We all know I am picky about my music, and we all know I don't really like what they play on the Edge... So why was I there? Beshram was like being grabbed by the shoulders and having someone scream "Go where they play what you like, you jackass!"
We had to leave after only a short while. Mitul and I will certainly come back next month, only we will make sure to arrive at 10, like we had intended.

Saturday
Saturday was all about Masala! Mhendi! Masti!
Another excellent day with my friends. The sun was sapping, but the dancing, music, and food more than made up for it.
For me the highlight of the day was sitting in the cafe, listening to sitar music in the background, and sipping pineapple juice. It was cool and breezy, and I was in good company.

Monday
Three words: Foam Party baby!
I dare say I will have quite a bit to say about it tomorrow. ^_^

Mornings are the hardest, because every time I wake up I must re-learn the fact that he is gone.

Yesterday.

I look out the window. It looks like rain. Can’t be, the forecast called for sun. I turn on the TV. The forecast hasn’t changed. I return to my desk.

Splat… splat… splat…

I look up. It’s raining. It’s raining buckets out there, raining like it hurts. I try to get back to work. Can’t focus. Something about that rain… I can’t block it out, not by homework, or music, or TV.

I put on a skirt and flip-flops. I’m dressed to get wet. I grab my umbrella. I go outside.
Cars driving down the street cause tsunamis. Edge away from curb… edge… edge… I enter the park. Suddenly, the noise of the street disappears. It smells so good here, the grass and flowers. Nature smells always remind me of my grandparents’ summer house. I think of all the birds, hidden somewhere.
I walk bravely through puddles. I kick it up, and my legs are wet. The grass is squishy, and my feet are slippery in the flip-flops.
I pass under the bridge. There are two people there, a boy and a girl. They are standing near each other, but not touching – they’re just friends. Too bad: it’s perfect weather for lovers.
Further on, I see the swing set were I once sat with Irene, and where I once talked to Adnan, and where a million conversations were held. I follow the path up the bridge that crosses the river. The river is rushing underneath me. I think about how just yesterday it must have been flowing along so slowly, almost still.
There is a duck on the bridge. She waddles away as I approach. I laugh.
I go further on, past the pool. I’m walking towards the library. Weather for lovers? And what of me? I have my lovers, my raindrops. I reach out to touch one.
I think, in a past life, I was a wind. The Coreolis Effect was my father, and convection was my mother. I wonder what kind of wind I was. I wonder if I was ever friends with a thunder clap.
Thunder rumbles overhead.
It’s beautiful out here.

I turn back. When I pass under the bridge again, the boy and girl are still there, and still not in love. Oh well, I can pretend.

What I want to do with Myself Now

The time has come for me to stand up on my own two feet, and make some decisions about myself. There are some changes I want to make, some improvements, and some re-discovery.

First of all, I feel that since starting University, I have become consumed by negativity. I felt like I was constantly meeting with failure, and I allowed that to kill my enthusiasm and love for what I was doing. Furthermore, I allowed that to kill a lot of my fighting spirit, and my sense of self.
No more.
For starters, while I certainly cannot promise to stop complaining (what would I do for fun then?), I will stop taking my academic life so close to heart. I think it's ridiculous that I would let people and forces who don't know anything about me control me. All I want to say is "Screw you, U of T, I'll show you what one girl from public school can do!"

Secondly, I've forsaken a lot of things, since stating at U of T, that were important to me. Most notable are writing, history, and religion.
The two latter points concern study. I find it fascinating to look at what people believe, and what they have done. I want to refresh my knowledge of religion, so that I can list off the Noble Eightfold Path off by heart, or what year Assyria conquered Babylonia, or some such thing. I'm also going to go out and hunt for the textbook we used in grade 11 history, because it was amazing. I shall hunt it down, and shall make it mine!
And as for writing, I think what I should do is start with my strength, rather than my weakness. I should work on some poetry. I have always had trouble writing long pieces, so rather than try to write prose and get mad at myself at the briefness of my composition, I should first go back to verse, where I can write ten lines and call it a day.

One good thing that has developed in the past few years is my musical taste. I feel it has really taken shape. To further this progress, I will mooch off of Sean for his contacts with other musicians, to find people who like what I like.

One final thing to change: a few years ago, I had huge problems with social situations. The reason was that I was in the process of forming my personal moral standards and I hated being around people who would always question me. I would like to stress, I think it is important to question one's beliefs, in order to weed out ones that are not authentic, or don't make sense. However, when I was forming my opinions for the very first time, I didn't need that.
Since I feel a lot surer of what I think now, it is time to go out into the world and explore a bit, and be challenged a bit.

I would like to leave with one final thought: I feel that I have gotten very lazy about myself. I assumed that since I knew who I was, everyone else would too, and that I didn't need to do anything in that regard. I now see that the only way to be myself is to actively be myself, not to drift along and hope others appreciate me, but to be so dynamically, wholly, passionately me, that no one could overlook it.

There is so much I want to tell you. There is so much that I understand now. It all makes sense, sense in a way that is bigger than me.
There is so much that I see now, and I want to describe it to you.

But I can't tell you now. If I said it now, I would sound wierd and pathetic. You wouldn't understand now.

But there will come a day when you will. And I can't wait to tell you...

After almost three-and-a-half years, Josh and I broke up.

Have you finished your copy of Half-Blood Prince yet? Yes? Then maybe it's time, if you haven't done so already, to read the interview with J.K., conducted by the guy form MuggleNet.com and TheLeakyCauldron.com
I think it'll answer a lot of your questions.

Half-Blood Prince has ruined me.
Last night, after finishing the book, I lay in bed, looking out the window, and not being able to wrap my brain around it. This morning the shock has not worn off. I don't believe it... I don't believe it...

I know lots of people predicted this death. But I hadn't. I didn't think J.K. could do it. I feel like she must personally hate me to have done it.
I feel like I have sustained a personal loss. I can't imagine my life from now on, without this person in it...

When we are sad, sad songs speak to our hearts. Thus, I leave you with the saddest, but most hopeful song I know:

Brother Sleep
by JJ72

This room is as white as a ghost
In this space you can see your own breath
This room is as cold as its host
Is it this sleep that is the brother of death?

This cloth is as green as an orchard
Where the salt can coat the trees
This girl cries tears as if tortured
Is it this girl who is the queen of the sea?

I'm goona see you through this my love, my love
I'm gonna see you through this my love, my love, love

The eyes of the toys they are moving
It's here everything that never lived is alive
The eyes of the toys they are soothing
As into the brother of sleep that we dive

I'm gonna see you through this my love, my love
I'm gonna see you through this my love, my love
I'm gonna see you through, I'm goona see you through


P.S. - If you lave a comment, leave no spoilers.

Josh, baby, this one's for you:

10

I'm starting to think that life is a game of limbo. The object is to see how low you can go, and still remain standing.
In particular, my life is about finding out how many dreams you can give up, and still call yourself a man.

I dreamed to be a physicist, but I had to let that go (Actually, it still feels as if this first dream was snatched away from me, rather than given away willingly). I went lower. I dreamed of being a physics teacher. But I am slowly letting that go, too.
Where do I go from here? Where can I go that's lower yet? What new dream can I come up with that won't leave me stranded in cruel awakening?

All I want out of life is some tiny measure of success. I want the pain, the constant kicking, the screaming of "You can't! You can't!" to stop. But it seems like those are the only possible results of any meaningful endeavor that I might undertake.
Perhaps what I should do is give up on the hope of meaning. Perhaps my goal should be something inane, a number-cruncher, a paper-pusher, a burger-flipper. Something where I will be totally insignificant and totally replaceable.

In case you can't tell, I just had a midterm.

I am currently taking two courses over the summer: Calculus (MAT237) and Complex Variables (MAT334).

The calc prof's name is Shai Cohen, and he is amazing. When I leave his lectures, I have that same old happy-tingley feeling that math used to give me. I feel like Wow! Yes! Calculus is amazing!
He teaches the way things should be taught - he makes it simple, straightforward, and highly lucid. Some of you may not believe this, but that is exactly what math should be.

The other prof is Soheil Homayouni. He is not excellent. Rather, he is boring and disorganized.
At the beginning of term, I really loathed him, because he spent a lot of time talking about wishy-washy quasi-philosophical stuff. Not that that is surprising: complex numbers have a way of making you wonder about what is real and what is contrived.
After a while, he stopped talking so much about how we know nothing, numbers, aah, terror! and got more into the math. It was at this point that I realized that, while I didn't care for the prof, this was a very interesting course.
Last night, in my CV lecture, I went a step further. I realized that this is the most fascinating course I have ever taken.

Take this for example:
We have something called Cauchy's Formula. It says that if f is analytic,
γ is piecewise smooth, and D is a simply-connected domain, then for any point p within γ:
(2πi)^-1∫_γ f(z) dz / (z - p) = f(p)
If p is not within γ, then the integral is zero.

Why is this important? Let's say we want to take some really nasty integral. We are able to define pretty much any real-valued function as a complex-values function. So we convert this ugly integral into a complex-valued integral, and use Cauchy's Formula, i.e., the solution is either zero or 2πif(p).

Or, more simply, this is important because every integral that was too had to do before, now becomes trivial.

Maybe this all sounds dry, but to me this is very exciting stuff. But that's not surprising either: complex numbers are very exciting.

I am eagerly anticipating Half-Blood Prince. I was looking around Mugglenet today, and they say in HBP we will find out just why Dumbledore knows he can trust Snape - I have been dying for this information.
I think I'll whip out Order of the Phoenix to re-read, in preparation for the glorious day - only 9 days to go!

Yes, yes, I am alive.
But barely....

Last night, I found out the Josh is planning on doing the teach-English-abroad thing. That means he will be going to Europe.
The training course will take place over the first three weekends in August. After that, when and for how long he will be gone for depends on where he gets a job.

The news pretty much destroyed me. I hadn't realized he was even considering going away again. When he told me, it felt as if I has run into a wall, a physical weight had hit me.

Well, now it's going to happen... Nothing I can do.

I feel the need to explain my photo of the day: Walking around with friends one day, I saw this fabulous letter box near Baldwin St. Because I have an uber cool tiny camera, I concluded this was a prime opportunity for a picture.

Furthermore, there are some new pics in Photobucket II.

I once more feel the need to complain about how I seem to have no time.
The last time I saw anyone was Josh, briefly, on Monday. I'm finally gonna see him and Sean again today, but all the days in between have been real rough. All I ever do is homework - I am a problem set machine. In some ways that's good, I seem to push myself more in the summer. But, naturally, the down side is that I am still chained to my desk, even though now there are other things to do.

I also realized last night that I have yet to go talk to a councilor about why I seem to always blank on tests. I realized this because I found myself at a calculus midterm, and I blanked. Such is life.

I also wanted to say that I am very proud of our dear Prime Minister, who is thus far resisting the Conservatives attempts to prevent C-38 (The same-sex marriage bill) from being passed. We all know that he'll fold and let them win, but it's nice that he's putting up a strong front.

The heat wave is over! Woot!

I totally, totally, totally don't want to do any work right now. I have a midterm on Thursday, and I just found out the I o indeed have a complex variables problem set due on Friday, but I don't want to work.

In the spirit of procrastination, here's a quiz, as done by Adnan. Put an x next to the things you have done.

( ) Snuck out of the house
(x) Gotten lost in your city
(x) Saw a shooting star
(x) Been to any other countries besides the United States
( ) Had a serious surgery
(x) Gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) Kissed a stranger
( ) Hugged a stranger [I'm confused about what constitutes a stranger, so I'm going with no]
( ) Been in a fist fight
( ) Been arrested
( ) Done drugs
( ) Had alcohol
(x) Laughed and had milk/coke/water come out of your nose
( ) Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) Made out in an elevator [I'm actually not sure about this one, but I assume so]
( ) Swore at your parents [Only once, when I was unconscious, so it doesn't count]
(x) Kicked a guy where it hurts [By accident]
(x) Been in love
( ) Been close to love
( ) Been to a casino
( ) Been skydiving
( ) Broken a bone
( ) Been high
( ) Skinny dipped
(x) Skipped school
( ) Flashed someone
( ) Saw a therapist
( ) Played spin the bottle
( ) Gotten stitches
( ) Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) Bitten someone
(x) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Gotten the chicken pox
(x) Kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) Kissed a member of the same sex {Though she kissed me]
( ) Crashed into a friend's car....
( ) Been to Japan
(x) Ridden in a taxi
(x) Been dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been fired
( ) Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Stole something from your job...Small things of course...
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend [I assume so, but I can't remember anything specific]
( ) Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans
(x) Been to Europe
( ) Been married
( ) Gotten divorced
( ) Had children
( ) Saw someone die
( ) Been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day [I didn't do the driving]
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi [How can someone live in Toronto and not have eaten sushi?]
( ) Been snowboarding
( ) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been moshing at a rock show
( ) Been to a moto cross show
( ) Lost a child
(x) Gone to college [University]
( ) Graduated college
( ) Done hard drugs
(x) Tried killing yourself
( ) Taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
( ) Fell so deep...so fast.....

As you can see, I have a very boring life. Fortunately, I have an avid fantasy life, where I fight evil doers using magic powers and a prehensile tail.

Wow, I didn't think taking two courses over the summer would be so intense. I have a problem set due tomorrow, and another one on Friday. Then come the midterms.
I'm rather sad that I can't spend as much time socializing as I would like, but at least I'm actually seeing humans, unlike during term.

Komm mit mir auf den Eisbrecher

Yesterday I had one of those awful days where I felt miserable about everything in the world.
As I was getting off the subway at Islington, I thought to myself "Well, it's 9:30 pm. When I get home I can just get to bed early and tomorrow will be a better day."

But I did not have to wait for sleep to do its cleansing work. When I got home, on my desk, was a package from Amazon.ca, the package I have been longing for.
It was Wahrheit oder pflicht by Oomph! and Eisbrecher by Eisbrecher.

Since there would not be enough time to listen to both, I choose Eisbrecher, arguing that of the two it was the one more likely to be bad,leaving my the better CD for later.
How wrong I was.

The entire album was amazing! Not a single bad song to be found. I have long felt that Alexx is one of the treasures of German music, and this album confirmed it. His voice is absolutely perfect: deep, powerful, and resonating.
The album is filled with songs that just make you (read: me) want to dance. In fact, I had myself a nice little desk disco going.

Now I'm divided between listening to Eisbrecher again, or trying out Oomph!. Oh, and speaking of Oomph!, Dero looks very very nice in the liner art.

I iz da happy.

I think it's about time that I wrote something about one of the best Girl's Days ever.
Last Saturday, I met with Miranda, Mitul, Irene, and Emine, and we went to Montgomery Inn for tea. The tea was delightful.

After that, we went back to Mandy's place. Adam came by and he and Mitul went to talk. In the meantime, Miranda wanted to show us her dress that the bought for a family wedding. This lead me to asking if I could try on a few things for Josh's graduation. This, naturally, lead to a massive dress-up game. This was just so incredibly fun!
Once Mitul and Adam came out, we whisked her away for put her in a costume, and then took pictures. Then our eyes turned to Adam...

Once Adam left, we watched In Good Company, and then went to Demetre's.

I think the best way to summarize the day is to quote something that Adam said. We were discussing how a group of guys would never start dressing up together. But, Adam added, "I don't think we have as much fun as you girls seem to be having."

Photos are here.

I absolutely have to talk about this situation, for I fear that another moments silence may kill me.

Belinda Stronach. Wow.

I happened to catch the live broadcast when Paul Martin and Belinda Stronach made the announcement. My jaw was hanging down somewhere around my knees. I was shocked, excited, slightly elated. What a catch! I’m sure she’ll go back to the Conservatives in a year or two – and if they don’t take her back, they are fools.

For those who don’t keep on their toes when it comes to Canadian politics, *coughAdnancough*, I’ll summarize.
Belinda Stronach is the MP for Aurora-Newmarket. She was one of the stars of the Conservative party. She is a young, engaging woman, with a strong sense of civic duty. Furthermore, she is one of the young moderates who are shaking things up with the Conservatives, taking liberal stances on issues like gay marriage, women’s rights, and so on. To me, she represents what a Canadian Conservative ought to be: She is financially conservative, but socially liberal. In fact, when she ran for leadership of the party, I thought things were really gonna change.

Yesterday, she made the announcement that she would be “crossing the floor,” and joining the Liberals. Her reasons for doing so are that she does not feel it is right to force an election right now, and she feels that the Tories aligning with the Bloc is “stacking the deck in favour of separatism.”

I, for one, believe Belinda Stronach when she says she made this move for reasons of public service. As a result, and am very proud to see a politician, especially someone with as potentially powerful a career, standing up against their party. I am also glad that an election is now less likely. I’m sad that I’m out of a job. ^_^

But I am appalled at some of the reaction that Stronach has received. I hate it how whenever a woman is in the public eye, people always comment on the most base of things. Everyone is so obsessed about her relationship with Peter MacKay (Deputy leader of the Conservatives). In fact, one of the first questions she was asked at the press conference was about her love life. If Mr. MacKay had left the party, I bet no one would ask about Stronach.
Miss Stronach is lucky that she’s pretty. The other thing people love to comment on is a woman’s looks. You’d think that in this day and age we’d be past this, but turn on This Hour Has 22 Minutes or Air Farce and the jokes about female politicians are always about looks. One critic of Stronach she is “a dipstick – and attractive one, but still a dipstick.” What the hell, why are they doing this? Anyone who watches broadcasts from Parliament will know that “criticize the ideas, not the person” doesn’t really happen, but why is it so vicious with women? No one ever comments on how the men look. Hey, everybody: Paul Martin is fat. But no one cares about that, do they? Stephen Harper’s eyes are too sleepy-looking. But that’s not gonna be anyone’s punch line.

I usually don’t support feminist cases, because I think that in the western world women have achieved equality. But then things like this pop up, and I wish I could just collectively grab all the politicians and news people and shake them, and say “What are you doing!?!”

Tagged by da Katt:

1. Total number of books I've owned: This question can only be answered by people who don't own many books. While I certainly don't have the hundreds that Katt does, I have more than I can think of to count. In elementary school, I ordered something through the Scholastic Book Orders every month. However, during my Animorphs period my dad decided that books were a waste of money, so acquiring them became very difficult. In fact, with the exception of Harry Potter and textbooks, I don't think I've bought a new book for myself in years. The library, not the book store, is my friend.

2. Last book I bought: Complex Variables 2^nd Edition by Stephen D. Fisher.

3. Last book I read: We by Yevgeny Zamyatin.

4. 5 books that mean a lot to me:
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Selected Poems, E.E. Cummings edited by Richard S. Kennedy
1984 by George Orwell
Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

5. Tag 5 people and have them fill this out in their LJs: Mandy AND Mitul, Adnan, Ipshi, Josh.

In order for you to understand me, deeply, truly, here are some quizzes:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Political Profile

Overall: 5% Conservative, 95% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated. You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's Your Inner European?