looks like i won't be going this summer...

from "marriage" by gregory corso

"O but what about love? I forget love
not that I am incapable of love
it's just that I see love as odd as wearing shoes--
I never wanted to marry a girl who was like my mother
And Ingrid Bergman was always impossible
And there maybe a girl now but she's already married
And I don't like men and--
but there's got to be somebody!
Because what if I'm 60 years old and not married,
all alone in furnished room with pee stains on my underwear
and everybody else is married! All in the universe married but me!

Ah, yet well I know that were a woman possible as I am possible
then marriage would be possible--
Like SHE in her lonely alien gaud waiting her Egyptian lover
so I wait--bereft of 2,000 years and the bath of life."

don't ask me to marry you.
ask me to love you.
because it's that paper that ends things,
not absence of love nor other lovers
nor children nor age.
it's that paper.
don't ask me to live with you.
ask me to die with you.
because it's not the years
not the wrinkles or sickness
or time that will seperate.
hell, don't ask me anything.
just say "please, love,
do what you've been doing thus far,
and keep doing it so long as you like"

lol! oh, that crazy vit!
for starters, he changed the aol password, so i can't go online at all at home. he has this crazy theory that the last few days of school can actually effect my mark. silly man... well, he does have a point that i should study, but i'd still like to disagree. out of spite. or, as we serbs say "za inat."
he also apparently talked to a councillor, who agreed that i'm too young to date, and should have waited until after high school. :::slaps "councillor":::
he's such a jerk about josh in general. he has agreed to stop talking about it, inspired by his first marriage. his first marriage apparently ended because his wife's father hated him, and, after a few years, the wife realized this, and left him. his being a jerk seems to have had nothing to do with it... he figures the same will happen here.
besides, we've also made past agreements not to talk about tika (my grandfather) or vesna, but that didn't work out. well, maybe if i keep remiding him...

the bruise on my arm from a few days ago has aquired all the colours of rainbow. i am deeply entertained by this.

i'd like to leave you with a sample of my chemistry class (we played with dry ice today, yay!)
mr. chen: anyone have any last questions?
me: can we call you "uncle ray?"
chen: why would you call me uncle ray?
me: that's what your nephew calls you...
chen: vega, you're not my neice.\
me: but i can pretned!
....
chen: what will you be doing this summer, vega?
me: i'll be volunteering at a children's summer camp.
the class: god have mercy on those children!
trevor: will this camp involve six pounds of crack?
me: i hope so!

yes...
apparently, i can be charged for 50% of posible examples of human rights discrimination and harassment. to give you a taste:
1- name-calling, verbal or written abuse, taunts and threats (mostly just the written threats. mostly just that one time, with trevor.... ok, it was twice. once sexual once violent. but, c'mon! i was kidding! i wouldn't really do that...)
2- unwanted touching, kissing and flirtation, persistant request for a date, leering, or threat of sexual assault (no need to explain.... damn, i'm a "sexual pervert...")
3- displaying derogatory or offensive pictures, materials or graffiti (again, no explination is neccessary beyond "i am vega")
4- threats of outing (ok, i have NEVER threatened to. but certain people feel that outing someone is bad enought, so...)
5- indimitation, physical violence, and vandalism ("i am vega")
yes...

OUCH! i got a very mild belt beating yesterday, and, though most of it faded away, i have a very small red stripe, framed by a blue bruise, on my arm. i'm rather dissapointed. it's only an inch long. i was hoping for more. but he wasn't perticularly mad.
i'm also pround of myself. last two times he hit me i havn't cried. i don't know, i know it's not healthy, but i like it when i can take pain "like a man." i mean, forget the physical pain, that i can look at his face when he's mad and not just crumble with guilt and self-loathing... well, i guess THAT is healthy. but it sort of translates into: "if i can take physical pain, then i'm strong of charecter and will." which i guess is where men for generations have got it from.

YAY! i got into the 81.58th percentile of the OAPT, which brings my physics term mark to a juicy 73%. when heathcote showed me the mark, i turned red and started fanning myself and saying "oh my, isn't that a surprise?" i really couldn't believe it. i wanted to ask him to look again. but then i thought, what the hell. even if it's wrong, let me pretend.

BLAH. i'm getting sick of school. i wish they'd just let us sit at home for a week and study. and, jesus, some tachers are not telling us until thusay or friday just what we need to study. makes me feel like stabbing something... i got the applicaton to volunteer at islington school over the summer. okay, if it's *volunteering* then why do they need applications?

i.
hate.
exams.
with a passion.
my head hurts from history and chemistry, especially since i didn't do even a fraction of waht i wanted to on the weekend.
:::expunges brain from body:::
today janice and i discussed if it is morally alright to swallow semen. she tried to argue that they are seperate living beings, and as such should not be eaten (at least not by a hindu). i argued that they are not seperate from the male who produced them, and since he willingly offered them, they may be consumed.

janice has a new hobby: making me jealous beyond all rational measure. she suggests that she's banging josh, and, though i know she's kidding, this makes me jealous like there's no tomorrow. i really wish she wouldn't do it. i am far, far, faar too jealous. i mean, i get jealous when a girl talks to guy i just sort of know and am not really interested in. and when it's about a guy i love, i go a little nuts.
i was talking to mitul about it. i told her basically "i know they're kidding, but then i think what if they're not? they can debate tougether like he and i can't, and that doesn't bother me that much, but he'll eventually get sick of it.... and i don't want him to leave me!!!" i sounded like such a wimp, but it's true.

had my last class with mark for the season. that's... ok. i wanted to have classes through summer, maybe less often.... of well.

sometimes it seems so pointless to even try.
it's like the world has stopped spinning,
a stagnant pile of flooding.
and when i died
(was it this morning?)
i saw it far below me,
twisting on an axis
of glitter and evil.
drops falling
off a dirty sponge
into my eyes.

well, there ya go. habitual truth teller that i am, i told josh. he didn't openly freak out or anything, but i sincerly doubt that he was not freaked out.
yesterday was fabulous. for starters, i only saw vit for 10 minutes beofre i left the house. went to josh's, then we went to oak ridges. after the party we went with lourne and debbie for dinner. got home 9ish, and then i went out with sean and aswin until 11. went to bed. yay!
i find this odd, but i like maryanne. for starters, i think there was a little bit of fascination with "the ex." but, even beyond that, i had fun arguing with her and a couple of other guys at the party. she's great, because we disagree on a lot of things, but agree on just enought. talking to her, just as i'm about to start thinking 'jeez, what an idiot, how can she think that?" she goes and says something that i totally agree with. wish i had asked fro her e-mail. oh well. josh seems to well and thoroughly hate her guts. she said hi to him, and he just turned around and walked away.

it was great to see aswin again! i'm odd, i couldn't stop reminding him that i used to like him. it somehow related to every other sentace. i haven't changed at all: i still feel a certain ownership over guys i have to right to feel ownership over. i felt really annoyed when he kept mentioning millena.
but it was great talking to him. he is also like maryanne, the way we agree and disagree. i'm hoping he'll come by more often. if nothing else, sean and i can go to markham occasionally.
i also had a chance to walk around with sean alone and talk about stuff, mostly adnan. (another weird ownership thing: i'm really REALLY annoyed taht other people are now calling him "addy."). i was gonna keep talking about that, but i just realized doing so would mean revealing the secret, so nevermind. but i found out some neat things.