Last night was marked by my doing some reading for Intro to Buddhism, and listening to music. Though this may sound like a completely unspectacular way to spend a Friday night, two things came out of it that I would like to share.

The first, about Nirvana:
I was reading a very detailed description of how the Buddha attained Nirvana. At the same time, I kept hearing my prof's voice in my head, saying that the word Nirvana means "to go extinct."
And suddenly it hit me.
I've always been fascinated by the similarities and differences between Hinduism and Buddhism. Last night, one of the main differences finally sank in: Where Hinduism tries to use Vedic dharma to balance out one's karma, Buddhism tries, in single moment, to annihilate karma itself.
This realization delighted me.

The second this is about music. I wrote this in my paper journal, but I want to write it out for all to see:

You often hear the results of the survey that concluded that "x% of women prefer chocolate to sex."
Clearly, these women are either crazy of have terrible lovers. I can't understand how someone might feel this way.
But if the survey question were to compare sex and music, I think I might need to pause and think about it.
I don't know if other people have these same reactions to music as I do - I've never heard anyone else talk about it. But it seems unlikely that only I should be treated to this delightful element of human experience.
I often wish I could watch myself when I'm listening to music, alone in my room with my headphones on. I clutch my chest, cover and uncover my face, gasp, moan, mouth the words...
Chocolate, once on the tongue, is static. It does nothing different from moment to moment. [physics analogy edited out]
Music is by far more comparable to a lover. At each session you discover something new, or discover something old as if it were new. At each session there are things you know will happen (a certain note, a certain technique), and the knowledge of their imminence creates a delicious anticipation. And in the moment before it happens, you hold your breath.
Like a lover, music washes over you in waves with tsunami-like intensity. It beats on you with power, energy, with the essence of life itself. It envelops your body and assaults your soul with a single word: Yes!
And afterwards, you are happy.

There are some places in the world that have been plagued by war since time immortal. Places where, as far back as our archeology allows us to look, there have been human beings who were more than glad to kill one another over the ownership of a patch of land. These are regions where peace is merely the time between battles, not a natural state in its own right.
One such place is the region once known as Canaan. It's puzzling, being a desert and all, but people seem to adore this place. And be it Israelites and Philistines or Israelis and Palestinians (aren't those the same thing? ^_^), they will continue to kill each other. It's almost pointless to even pay attention to it. Yes, yes, it seems very callous to just dismiss people and their suffering and their deaths, but as I said, they will keep on fighting until the last days of this earth.
Another such place is my apartment.
The temporary pax of the past two months has ended. My father, who had previously taken pity on me and my newly found singledom - and my sensitiveness thereof - had taken a break from pestering me. But no more.
I'm sure the problem is mostly that he leaves for work later in the morning, meaning that he is around when I wake up. I maintain that I am actually a morning person, it's just that he knows how to push my buttons.
Yes Adnan, I know. He is just a parrot. I will try harder to not react.

I am feeling very meh. I had planned on going to a house warming party tonight, but Mubdhi was not in class today, so I couldn't ask him when or where to be. It sucks, because I had psyched myself up over this. You see, Mubdhi is very well connected, and I was feeling very excited about meeting all the sorts of people whom he might invite to such an affair. But it did not come to pass.

You know what I miss? I miss being able to be weak in front of someone. I miss the freedom to be able to cry, and not feel guilty about it, or like an imposition. I miss feeling like I have an equal in this world.
I feel like I am floating above a giant Where's Waldo picture. I looks through stacks and stacks of people and don't see myself reflected in any of them. And I panic, for I know someone must exist who is what I want, but where? And what if he is hiding in plain sight, where I will never find him?
The concept of starting a new relationship repulses and depresses me. I see nothing appealing about courtship, about long phone conversations, dates, gifts, and uncertainty. I just wish I could fast-forward through all of that, or at least try to ignore it. I just want to get to the good stuff.
Life moves far too slowly sometimes.

I've got some new poems on Mischief that I'd like to share: She cries, Edward, and Heat. Enjoy.

Somehow, I think I might be able to find a better use for my life than attending lectures during which the prof paraphrases the textbook. Tonight's lecture was a complete waste of an hour-and-a-half of my time. Indeed, I learned more from my reading on the subway.
There was one good thing about the lecture - the last three minutes, during which the beginnings of a discussion were happening. A bunch of people in the first two rows (among whose number I am counted) began talking with the prof about some of the material. I love that sort of thing, where we can all just have a mental tennis match, every sentence beginning with "I think... I think..." But it is natural that I should love such discussions - every sentence begins with my favorite words: "I Think!"

That reading I did on the subway - I've been following through with my Be-A-Better-Vega resolutions, and studying religion again. I've been reading about Sikhism, and I'm getting into it. It is such a beautiful, thoughtful, and enlightened religion, a religion for the modern world. When Guru Nanak had his spiritual realization, the first words he spoke were "There is no Hindu. There is no Muslim." The old divisions of faiths had become obsolete.

As you may be aware, I have very little personal esteem for theistic religions. Indeed, I think that believing in a god is uncivilized, even barbaric. It seems to me like mythology, and that any human being, presented with the scope of knowledge we have of the world, would choose to believe in a deity completely baffles and repulses me. I do no apologize for this view.

Of course, that's just me. I should stress that your karma is your karma, you can believe whatever you want to believe. We're all going to the same place in the end.

But on that personal level of what *I* think is right, Sikhism appeals to me. It's so simple and elegant and clean. There are no moral commandments, just songs of joy. There are no divisions, just community. There are no strangers, only brothers.

I'm sure that it, like every other religion, has been bastardized by its practitioners (Some days I want to vomit, I feel completely sick by what some Hindus do in the name of their "religion," and I find it repugnant that I have chosen a label that clumps me in with people who believe in the caste system, or satee, or the impurity of women, or any of that other superstitious bullshit.) but in this moment, where I am discovering it as for the first time, it seems wonderful.

The best thing about being home alone is that you can lounge around in whatever degree of nakedness you please. Not that I would know anything about that sort of thing. :::shifty eyes:::

One whole week of school has gone by, so now is the perfect time to update you on my academic life:

GER300: I have the same prof as last year, which is kind of nice. I'm a little bit overwhelmed by the idea of everything in class being done in German, and I am attempting to soothe myself by actually studying. I have a little pocket German-English dictionary, and I spend most of my subway ride with my nose buried therein.

PHY255: Waves. Same prof as last time, but new TAs. One of the TAs, Krister, was my lab TA in first year, and I had a tutorial with him today. I still have to meet the other TA, but Krister and Marj are both real sweethearts, so I think I've won out in that regard. As for the material itself, I am kicking myself for failing this course. So far it is all mind-numbingly easy.

PHL245: Not yet officially enrolled. -_-

RLG101: I've said something about this one a few days ago...

RLG206: The prof in this one is one of those delightful, slightly eccentric types. But that's not the best part. The best part is that one of the TAs for the course is a real live Tibetan monk! For real! Waii!

Sadly, so far I have not nearly enough course work to keep my occupied. I am going slightly mad with boredom. I'm gonna go kill some kittens now. Yesss...