you're the closest to heaven that i've ever been, and i don't want to go home tonight
i'm feeling sentimental ^_^

somehow, the first thing that comes to mind is a reply to mandy. tonight rek and i were at his dad's place, celebrating his brother's 20th birthday. we were holding hands at the dinner table, and aaron and ed started making a big deal about it. they asked if we've ever had a fight.
me: well, there was that one time, up at the cottage.
rek: what time?
me: well, i don't think it was a fight, but you did.
rek: no, we've never had a fight.
me: hey! we're having one right now!
rek: no we're not.
me: oh.

i just realized nothing has happened since the last time i blogged. this is distressing. i'm gonna go to the BBC site and comment on stuff. one moment.

::: surfing :::

oh! here we go! apperantly, despite the fact that mr. seselj is currently on trial for war crimes, he is still head of his party, and a candidate in the upcoming election. jeez... my people are so stupid...
even sloba is a candidate, and he's been in the hauge for years now.
one thing that i'm divided about in serbian politics is how much serbia should be inclined to accept western influence. i associate "the west" with political corruption and being america's bitch, and i don't want that for my country. on the other hand, i want serbia to have more influence in the grander scheme of things, and that won't happen unless we join the EU.

i don't know if you kids are aware of this, but i've been concerned about the situation between ethiopia and eritrea for a while now. well, the EU looks like it's gonna do something about it.

and finally, both rek and i are sick. boo.

solstice
simply, a happy solstice to all!
i had a wonderful time yesterday, watching movies with rek, jeff, mandy, mitul, and adz.
no sean, there is no song.

marijuana
i'm sure it's not just dali's disappearing bust of voltaire hanging above my desk (to see it, click) which is suddenly reminding me of the phrase "i may not agree with what you have to say, but i will defend to the death your right to say it."
but of course, actions are not words. no one is defending the german cannibal's right to eat people, even if they ask him to. apparently, we as a culture value life too much to allow murder or ingestion of fully living human beings (i specify "fully living" because abortion is permitted by many governments).
in a similar way, on this morning that the supreme court of canada has ruled to keep possession and trafficking of pot illegal, i am torn between my desire to grant every possible liberty to people, and my own personal values, which - though i know it's wrong - i can't help but wish to see reflected by others.

of all laws, it is the paternalistic laws that are most controversial. there can be tolerance for laws that prevent people from hurting one another. but how to make laws that are designed to prevent people from hurting themselves? how to justify even something as basic as needing to be 16 to drive a car or 19 to drink? and certainly, how to justify paternalistic laws when the people who must obey them are adults? should the government be able to protect people at all? on the other hand, how can it not?

on the other hand, if it were up to me, alcohol would be illegal. if it were up to me, "mind altering substance" would be a dirty word. but i suppose that's why it's a good thing it's not up to me.
i won't presume to force my values on others (at least not any more ^_^). but if i can't do it, how do the real law makers manage to separate their feelings from the law?

a reply
in regards to what mitul posted: i agree that the very notion of being alive is amazing. there are moments when one can't help but be awed by the simple fact that this world really IS manifest. right now, there is not just the idea of rain, but there are actual drops of water falling from the sky. there is not just the notion of a computer, but actual plastics, glass, metal, and electrons whizzing to and fro. there is not just the potential for vega, but a real vega.

however, i disagree with you on human suffering.
the buddha said the same things you say. he said the cause of suffering is attachment. lord buddha said that if we want to let go of pain and suffering, we cannot feel attached to anyone, anything, or even our own ego.
the buddha achieved enlightenment. but that's his karma, not mine. that path is not right for me.
i don't think it's right for me myself to become detached. i think that everything is too interconnected for me to let go. i think, instead, it is better to focus on the logical, reasonable, and even beautiful nature of suffering. nothing can reduce the acutenes of the pain of loosing something you love, but you can at least make the pain less abject.
last night when we watched high fidelity, no one noticed, i'm sure, but i cried during the scene when they made love in the car, after the funeral. the reason is that i thought they wouldn't get back together, and that scene reminded me of what it's like to have a part of someone, when you want all of them. it hurt to remember that. it was painful. but it was also good. it was a moment to being alive, is some way, a moment of feeling, something, anything.

lastly, a few months ago i e-mailed a list of things that make me happy. but, off the top of my head:
- the way my mom smells
- my grandfather's eyes
- the sea, by night
- tea
- the way the world smells in the rain

ah! finally! since i posted last, i've been thinking how i can't stand looking at that survey. it's so vertical. well, i'm about to horizontal it up, baby!

as you may be aware, my brother, branislav, got married. it came as a total shock to me.
last time i talked to him (which, now that i think about it, was over a year and a half ago) he was working in bahrain. since then, he's lived in the UAE and in slovakija, and finally come back to yugoslavija. he then, apparently, married his long time girlfriend, and they are now renting a place in the same neigborhood where we've always lived, and are expecting a kid.
he and i clearly don't talk that often, which is why this was all so surprising to me. i mean, my bro is married! and he's about to be raising a little human... be afraid.

on the topic of family, it looks like i'll be able to see my sister soon!
the battle between my dad and step-mom is reaching a climax, of sorts, and as a consequence my possibilities are improving.
among other things, i talked to my step-mom for the first time in years. i find it amazing that we still have quite a good repore. we spend time catching up on the past few years. i was most interested in the stuff she told my about anna.
firstly, anna knows i exist, and wants to meet me (!!!) ^_^.
secondly, i'm thrilled to hear about the things she likes. she sounds a lot like me when i was young: she likes to play with action figures, not dolls, she thinks girls are boring, she likes to draw, she has good mathematical logic skills...
the only thing i was sad to learn was that, at 6-years-old, she's very tall for her age. i guess i was sort of hoping she'd still be a tiny baby i could take care of. but i guess i's time to admit that i've lost 6 years of my sister's life and that she's not that little a girl any more.

last wednesday mitul and i went to the AGO. i think one of the things that i remember best is a model of a ship made by a p.o.w. in the 16th century. he carved it out of bone, and made the rigging and wove the masts out of human hair. it was cool, but creepy, but cool.

this weekend was lots of fun. on saturday i joined rek, kate, and rob and some of their friends for christmas tea. after that rek and i went to see the last samurai which was most excellent. i realized just how beautiful the japanese language is. i think i'd like to learn/study an asian language during my life.
today we went to celebrate hanukah! it was really nice, and yes, i did meet cousin alexis's boyfriend from ecuador.
i have to confess, i think this was the best time i've had with rek's family. i felt very comfortable and included and not at all like a stranger.
oh, and rek enjoyed his gifts. ^_^

the only smudge on this weekend was that strange and unexpected emotional stuff kept coming up from strange and unexpected placed. hopefully, that will all get sorted out.

a total side note: i got the live CD, and, if you're out downloading, i recomend the following songs: "heaven" "the sanctity of dreams" "like i do" "sweet release" and "what are we fighting for?"

normally, this is the point at which i would say how much i love rek and how great he is. however, i gave him permission to read my blog, so i won't do that. please instert various praise and happy-elf-banter here.