i used to have a place that felt like home. and now i don't.
i used to have people with whom i felt like i belonged. they're no longer mine.

hocu kuci. i want to go home.

ok people, i have just discovered something shocking, something disturbing, something after which out lives will never be the same...

you're all, i take it, familiar with the new tv station, Toronto-1? well, on one of their commercials, they claim to "keep you up-to-date on the news in the YYZ." YYZ, of course, refers to the internationally understood abbreviation used to identify toronto, which is used, for example, in airports.
the announcer in the commercial said "the wai-wai-zee."
BUT WE CANADIANS SAY ZED!!!!! TRAITOR!!!

that is all.

you're the closest to heaven that i've ever been, and i don't want to go home tonight
i'm feeling sentimental ^_^

somehow, the first thing that comes to mind is a reply to mandy. tonight rek and i were at his dad's place, celebrating his brother's 20th birthday. we were holding hands at the dinner table, and aaron and ed started making a big deal about it. they asked if we've ever had a fight.
me: well, there was that one time, up at the cottage.
rek: what time?
me: well, i don't think it was a fight, but you did.
rek: no, we've never had a fight.
me: hey! we're having one right now!
rek: no we're not.
me: oh.

i just realized nothing has happened since the last time i blogged. this is distressing. i'm gonna go to the BBC site and comment on stuff. one moment.

::: surfing :::

oh! here we go! apperantly, despite the fact that mr. seselj is currently on trial for war crimes, he is still head of his party, and a candidate in the upcoming election. jeez... my people are so stupid...
even sloba is a candidate, and he's been in the hauge for years now.
one thing that i'm divided about in serbian politics is how much serbia should be inclined to accept western influence. i associate "the west" with political corruption and being america's bitch, and i don't want that for my country. on the other hand, i want serbia to have more influence in the grander scheme of things, and that won't happen unless we join the EU.

i don't know if you kids are aware of this, but i've been concerned about the situation between ethiopia and eritrea for a while now. well, the EU looks like it's gonna do something about it.

and finally, both rek and i are sick. boo.

solstice
simply, a happy solstice to all!
i had a wonderful time yesterday, watching movies with rek, jeff, mandy, mitul, and adz.
no sean, there is no song.

marijuana
i'm sure it's not just dali's disappearing bust of voltaire hanging above my desk (to see it, click) which is suddenly reminding me of the phrase "i may not agree with what you have to say, but i will defend to the death your right to say it."
but of course, actions are not words. no one is defending the german cannibal's right to eat people, even if they ask him to. apparently, we as a culture value life too much to allow murder or ingestion of fully living human beings (i specify "fully living" because abortion is permitted by many governments).
in a similar way, on this morning that the supreme court of canada has ruled to keep possession and trafficking of pot illegal, i am torn between my desire to grant every possible liberty to people, and my own personal values, which - though i know it's wrong - i can't help but wish to see reflected by others.

of all laws, it is the paternalistic laws that are most controversial. there can be tolerance for laws that prevent people from hurting one another. but how to make laws that are designed to prevent people from hurting themselves? how to justify even something as basic as needing to be 16 to drive a car or 19 to drink? and certainly, how to justify paternalistic laws when the people who must obey them are adults? should the government be able to protect people at all? on the other hand, how can it not?

on the other hand, if it were up to me, alcohol would be illegal. if it were up to me, "mind altering substance" would be a dirty word. but i suppose that's why it's a good thing it's not up to me.
i won't presume to force my values on others (at least not any more ^_^). but if i can't do it, how do the real law makers manage to separate their feelings from the law?

a reply
in regards to what mitul posted: i agree that the very notion of being alive is amazing. there are moments when one can't help but be awed by the simple fact that this world really IS manifest. right now, there is not just the idea of rain, but there are actual drops of water falling from the sky. there is not just the notion of a computer, but actual plastics, glass, metal, and electrons whizzing to and fro. there is not just the potential for vega, but a real vega.

however, i disagree with you on human suffering.
the buddha said the same things you say. he said the cause of suffering is attachment. lord buddha said that if we want to let go of pain and suffering, we cannot feel attached to anyone, anything, or even our own ego.
the buddha achieved enlightenment. but that's his karma, not mine. that path is not right for me.
i don't think it's right for me myself to become detached. i think that everything is too interconnected for me to let go. i think, instead, it is better to focus on the logical, reasonable, and even beautiful nature of suffering. nothing can reduce the acutenes of the pain of loosing something you love, but you can at least make the pain less abject.
last night when we watched high fidelity, no one noticed, i'm sure, but i cried during the scene when they made love in the car, after the funeral. the reason is that i thought they wouldn't get back together, and that scene reminded me of what it's like to have a part of someone, when you want all of them. it hurt to remember that. it was painful. but it was also good. it was a moment to being alive, is some way, a moment of feeling, something, anything.

lastly, a few months ago i e-mailed a list of things that make me happy. but, off the top of my head:
- the way my mom smells
- my grandfather's eyes
- the sea, by night
- tea
- the way the world smells in the rain

ah! finally! since i posted last, i've been thinking how i can't stand looking at that survey. it's so vertical. well, i'm about to horizontal it up, baby!

as you may be aware, my brother, branislav, got married. it came as a total shock to me.
last time i talked to him (which, now that i think about it, was over a year and a half ago) he was working in bahrain. since then, he's lived in the UAE and in slovakija, and finally come back to yugoslavija. he then, apparently, married his long time girlfriend, and they are now renting a place in the same neigborhood where we've always lived, and are expecting a kid.
he and i clearly don't talk that often, which is why this was all so surprising to me. i mean, my bro is married! and he's about to be raising a little human... be afraid.

on the topic of family, it looks like i'll be able to see my sister soon!
the battle between my dad and step-mom is reaching a climax, of sorts, and as a consequence my possibilities are improving.
among other things, i talked to my step-mom for the first time in years. i find it amazing that we still have quite a good repore. we spend time catching up on the past few years. i was most interested in the stuff she told my about anna.
firstly, anna knows i exist, and wants to meet me (!!!) ^_^.
secondly, i'm thrilled to hear about the things she likes. she sounds a lot like me when i was young: she likes to play with action figures, not dolls, she thinks girls are boring, she likes to draw, she has good mathematical logic skills...
the only thing i was sad to learn was that, at 6-years-old, she's very tall for her age. i guess i was sort of hoping she'd still be a tiny baby i could take care of. but i guess i's time to admit that i've lost 6 years of my sister's life and that she's not that little a girl any more.

last wednesday mitul and i went to the AGO. i think one of the things that i remember best is a model of a ship made by a p.o.w. in the 16th century. he carved it out of bone, and made the rigging and wove the masts out of human hair. it was cool, but creepy, but cool.

this weekend was lots of fun. on saturday i joined rek, kate, and rob and some of their friends for christmas tea. after that rek and i went to see the last samurai which was most excellent. i realized just how beautiful the japanese language is. i think i'd like to learn/study an asian language during my life.
today we went to celebrate hanukah! it was really nice, and yes, i did meet cousin alexis's boyfriend from ecuador.
i have to confess, i think this was the best time i've had with rek's family. i felt very comfortable and included and not at all like a stranger.
oh, and rek enjoyed his gifts. ^_^

the only smudge on this weekend was that strange and unexpected emotional stuff kept coming up from strange and unexpected placed. hopefully, that will all get sorted out.

a total side note: i got the live CD, and, if you're out downloading, i recomend the following songs: "heaven" "the sanctity of dreams" "like i do" "sweet release" and "what are we fighting for?"

normally, this is the point at which i would say how much i love rek and how great he is. however, i gave him permission to read my blog, so i won't do that. please instert various praise and happy-elf-banter here.

taking inspiration from mandy and jim, i'm doing that song-title survey. the idea is that you pick an artist, and answer the questions in the survey using the titles of their songs.
now, i'm not sure if it's me or the boys of rammstein, but it seems to me that a lot of my answers are sexual. but judge for yourself:

Artist:
Rammstein

1) Are you a male or a female?
"Zwitter" (Hemaphrodite)

2 )How old are you?
"Spiel mit mir" (Play with me)

3) Describe yourself:
"Weißes Fleisch" (White Flesh)

4) How would other people describe you?
"Bose" (Evil)

5) What is your mood right now?
"Sehnsucht" (Longing)

6) Describe your main interest:
"Laichzeit" (Spawning time)

7) How do you feel about yourself?
"Ich will" (I want to)

8) Describe your childhood:
"Das alte Leid" (The old Sorrow)

9) Where are you?
"Nebel" (Mist)*

10) Where would you rather be?
"Mutter" (Mother)

11) Describe how you live:
"Engel" (Angel)

12) Describe how you love:
"Heirate mich" (Marry me)

13) Describe what you want:
"Bück dich" (Bend over)

14) What can't you live without?
"Rein raus" (In, out)

15) What enrages you?
"Wilder Wein" (Wild Wine)

16) Describe your career of choice:
"Der Meister" (The Master)

17) What do you look for in the opposite sex?
"Du Riechst So Gut" (You Smell so Good)

18) How do you see yourself dying?
"Kokain" (Cocaine) or "Feuer frei!" (Fire at Will)

19) Share a few words of wisdom:
"Wut Will Nicht Sterben"

20) What do you think of this thing?
"Mein Herz brennt"

*for the record, there simply are no good rammstein place songs. so i picked Nebel 'cause it's a cool song ^_^

i'm thinking it's a good thing i'm unemployed this winter. there's too much stuff i want to do with my friends, i don't know if there's enough time for it as it is.

hello boys and girls! we begin the day with:
the obligatory elf news update
on wednesday i had that meeting concerning visitation. my dad and i just sat around with some children's-lawyer woman and she talked to us about our feelings and our situation. i have another meeting with her on tuesday, and it really doesn't sound very exciting.
that same day, at about 5, i met jeff and mandy and went for a nibble at the rainforest cafe. you know, they really ought to have a more exotic menu, to go with the decor. there were elephants! and there were stars on the ceiling, and i made a wish on a shooting star. ^_^
we then realized we were running late, so jeff drove like maniac in the rain, and i feared for my life. he is never to drive again. ever.
we eventually ended up at second cup, where we spent hours of joy and coffee with the whole gang (minus greg.... ::: tear ::: ).
thursday i killed time and ran errands all day, and ended the day by hanging out with sean and sarah.
friday was nice ^_^ i got together with rek and then we joined sarah and sean for dinner and love.
and now we are here. behold the glory!

now that that is out of the way, it's time for some introspective stuff, namely:
why does vega dislike porn so much?
i've never really considered the matter, since it's never really come up. but it's come up now, so let is delve into the mind of elf...
i suppose it all comes down to my ideas of love and sex. at the end of the day, the concept of "sex without love" is strange and, frankly, stupid to me. it's like eating food that has no nutritional value - also known as "junk food." so i guess you could say that as far as i'm concerned, loveless sex is junk sex. and i think society needs a diet.
on the other end of the spectrum, any sort of intimate behavior between people who do care about each other... well, it's intimate. and i wouldn't want to intrude on that even by something as unattached as observation.
as an example, at a bus stop once, i was talking to mandy and jeff, who decided i was far less interesting that their own lips. after about a solid minute of watching them make out, i was suddenly overcome by feelings of violation. i turned around. it seemed to do the trick.

going back to the original issue, porn bothers me because i don't, can't, and won't separate sex and love.
of course, that's just me. live your karma.
have a nice day!

what a strange day... and it's only 9:30!
i woke up of my own volition at about 6:30. that's never a good sign. if i can't sleep, it means i'm either sick or stressed. come to think of it, i was quite tired last night, and went to bed rather early. that's another sick/stressed indicator.

i got out of bed at 7, and was shocked to find the sun wasn't out yet. so what could i do? i was alone in the dark. so i went online and started watching cartoons on homestarrunner.com and illwillpress.com. all in all, that felt rather productive. now, rather than start the house cleaning that i've been putting off, i've decided to blog and watch the murray show - the classiest of the tasteless talk shows! on murray, no one ain't anybody's daddy!

at 1 o'clock today, vit and i have an appointment with some lady who's gonna talk to us and begin the process of introducing us to my sister. i think it's strange. i used to love anne, but let's be frank, when i knew her she was a baby, not a person. now, she's grown up and she has a personality. and to me, she's just a 6-year-old girl whom i don't know at all.
i wonder if anne and i will ever be close. despite not feeling any connection to her, i'd like to be there for her when she gets older and needs advice. i would like to have a normal relationship with her.
it's really scary. but i guess this will all work out on its own.

on a happier note, Xmas break is finally here! hopefully the next month will be full of relaxation - finally!

for those of you who are curious about my algebra final - just as i predicted. now, if the markers are generous and give me part marks for all the crap i spewed, and if i guessed all the multiple choice right, then i could make it. this, of course, will not happen. no one guesses the multiple choice right, and the markers are not generous.
but remember, this is my happier note! this whole thing made me realize that i have been horribly unresponcible, immature, and have not done as much as i should have. i've been sliding along in calss - and distressing as it is to fail my first subject ever, it's better that this happen now, rather than in april. now at least there's still time to straighten up and fly right.

friday was the last physics lecture with professor morris. next term we'll be having professor luke.
we were all very sad. morris was AMAZING and he made the class such a blast. in gratitude, the class got together to give him a pocket watch, engraved with his name, our class and year. this is the e-mail he sent us afterwards:

greetings, all.

Thanks enormously everyone in phy140 for the wonderful term and the
amazing pocket watch. I am going to affect a Mad Hatter persona from
now on (it will come naturally).

Hope everybody has a good exam season and then a good holiday --- I will
still be lurking around phy140 next term.

Thanks again everyone! See you on the flip side....

i think that gives you the feeling for what kind of guy he is...

i'm gonna fail linear algebra. no doubt. i'm studying all the time, but it's not helping. there's just too much.
let us all weep now.

PHY midterm - well, i studied enough that i was familiar with all the questions (they were all stuff out of homework and problem sets). but i didn't study enough to know how to do them. i'm expecting another almost-pass-but-not-quite.
german "big test" - that was SO easy! i'm glad i didn't study.
ALG final - still to come, on tuesday. need 70%.... need 70%.... must lock self in room, must eat, breathe and live algebra.

after the PHY midterm last night, i had my very first Jones Soda! jeff bought it for me before the test, and afterwards we went to his rez to celebrate the end of the PHY term! i've been waiting four years to try this stuff, and the jones was as wonderful as i imagined.... ::: love ::::

oh sweet jesus! people, you have GOT to look at this! i had to work so hard not to burst out laughing in the library when i found this.
the above link is from a forensic art site, which has some rather cool stuff to play around with. but also some scary stuff. beware.

ice cream at demetres tonight with rek. ^_^

today's daily hindu wisdom:

You're like milk
in water: I cannot tell
what comes before,
what after,
which is the master,
which is the slave;
what's big,
what's small.

O lord white as jasmine
if an ant should love you
and praise you,
will he not grow
to demon powers?

-Mahadeviyakka

before we get ahead of ourselves, some links:
graffiti archeology shows some graffiti in san francisco over time, how it changes and gets painted over. it's rather neat.
another neat thing is today's front pages which shows the front pages of newspapers from around the world.

the one thing i really felt the need to blog about was my german class today. it started out normal, taking up homework and such... but then... we had a christmas party. it was STRANGE! i didn't know such things happen in university...
we listened to german christmas songs, ate sweets, asked about german traditions...
the best part was this one german treat that professor koch brought it... they were little tiny potatoes, only sweet. i don't know what they were... but i must find them again! they had the skin of a potato, the inside of love, and were the size or large marbles. oh baby...

hey there, bloggers and bloggettes!

i just wanted to add some old news: two saturdays ago, vit and i went to our favorite serbian restaurant, the crown. it's a really nice place, so typically serbian. they've got a new chef, and the gibanica (cheese pie) was really really good. it was one of those evenings when vit and i were getting along and having a rather nice time, too. there was even live music!

this weekend was really nice. i really loved kundun. i'm sure mandy and sean (who were sitting on either side of me) noticed my occasional gasps and girrs. this whole issure of what the cinese are doing to the people of tibet really upsets me. the tibetans never harmed anyone, and the cinese just up and invaded and tried to act like liberators.
"you cannot liberate me, general. only wisdom can liberate me."

also, the tiramisu at brownstone's on yonge street, is fantabulous.

i spent saturday with rek. we saw once upon a time in mexico but before that we had an argument/debate about politics. while we may disagree on a few issues, i think my problem was that i was unable to explain very clearly what my opinions were, which lead him to thinking i had been corrupted by the evil U of T communists.
we were talking about economics and human rights. i sort of came off as wanting to take away the money from the rich people in the world, and give it to the poor. this, of course, is not what i want. to take people's money is robbery. what, however, i was thinking, was what would happen if everyone in the world were paid fairly for their work. i sort of concluded that no one would be able to afford anything. of course, it later occurred to me that if no one can afford to buy anything, then there's no reason to make products, so almost everyone would be out of a job.
we could, of course, take it to the next step and say if everyone is unemployed, then prices would have to go down again... but we could go around forever like that.

my main issue is that i can't stand the thought of people all over the world being tortured, abused, deprived by their governments, and suffering in general. but frankly, i can't think of how to stop it either.

anyway, that brings us to sunday (study day) and today (freaking out because i have a midterm on thursday day).

as a last note, i've found one thing incorrect about kundun. the dalai lama is the incarnation of "Avalokitesvara, the Bodhisattva of Compassion" not the buddha of compassion. if you know anything about buddhism, you'll know the difference.

so, here's what's new with me:

- till will be acting. i am filled with terror.
- Students for a Free Tibet is showing Kundun friday night, 6 o'clock, at the j.r.r. mcleod auditorium.
- the ever wonderful PHY department is having a pizza lunch and a tour of the cold atom lab on friday. (Be there, or be mc^2).
- i really need to get new glasses... but when?
- Philosophers Anonymous meeting, also on friday. for more info, where else, Thinking Corner.
- these two guys are cool.
- violence against women is bad.
- school is trying to kill me. but i will survive, baby!
- i'm in love. it's awfully nice.

snow snow snow!!!
today, i woke up, thinking how much i would rather have stayed in my warm, comfy bed. i went to the window, and to my surprise: SNOW!

now, some of you may not understand the almost religious significance i attach to this natural phenomenon. to help explain, read some versish prose.

i distinctly remember one winter, when i was in grade 6, sitting in class. most of the class was not there, though i cannot remember why. i think there may have been a dance going on. in either event, i was sitting and writing, and i composed what i initially thought was prose, but turned out to be verse, a poem about the experience of snowfall. what i wrote was that in the moment of being caught in a slow, silent snowfall, one becomes aware of the vastness of the universe, of the vacuum between atoms, of unity, of peace, of silence, of grace.
i've never been able to resist a snowy morning. one of the greatest pleasures in my life is bundling up on a saturday morning in january or february, and going out alone to just watch the snow fall, to feel warm and safe and at rest.

to me, winter still means snowball fights, sliding down the hill in tom ridley park (central park) on my bum, exploring, observing trees, and feeling that everything is right.

revolution in georgia
genocide in rawanda
boarder dispute in eritrea
and other news from countries most people can't place on a map...

no, seriousley, i pose a challenge: post on the tagboard approximatley where georgia and eritrea are, without looking it up... i think i'll be interesting.

i think i've made it my business to blog more than sean or the girls. not that's that's hard. (oh dis!)

i wanted, among other things, to inform everyone that the ever popular Thinking Corner has recently been doing a thriving business in the abortion debate (started by yours truly).
actually, i'm just plugging the site. only luis, marcos and i ever post, and that's a shame. i really enjoy the Thinking Corner. it also has funny pics of sean posted!!!

in general elf news... tuesday i finally saw rek (^_^) only to find out he's going away again this weekend (-_-). but that's ok. he's also registering (today in fact) for bartending classes, so a month from now he'll be employable. yay!

in response to luis's question about the human mind: i think it's good.
i'm sure that was very unsatisfying.

today, i got my calc midterm back. 76% BABY!!! the class average was 67. i am happy. ^_^

so, i think it's time for a real song: The Dolphin's Cry by Live

The way you're bathed in light
reminds me of that night
god laid me down into your rose garden of trust
and I was swept away
with nothin' left to say
some helpless fool
yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
you're all I need to find
so when the time is right
come to me sweetly, come to me
come to me

love will lead us, alright
love will lead us, she will lead us
can you hear the dolphin's cry?
see the road rise up to meet us
it's in the air we breathe tonight
love will lead us, she will lead us

oh yeah, we meet again
it's like we never left
time in between was just a dream
did we leave this place?
this crazy fog surrounds me
you wrap your legs around me
all I can do to try and breathe
let me breathe so that I
so we can go together!

love will lead us, alright
love will lead us, she will lead us
can you hear the dolphin's cry?
see the road rise up to meet us
it's in the air we breathe tonight
love will lead us, she will lead us

life is like a shooting star
it don't matter who you are
if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time
we are lost 'til we are found
this phoenix rises up from the ground
and all these wars are over

over
over
singin' la da da, da da da
over
come to me
singin' la da da da, da da da
come to me

time for a song! (to the melody of Three Blind Mice)
my life sucks
mu life sucks
i am tired, sleep deprived
all i want to do is hide
my life sucks
my life sucks

i hope i haven't distressed eveyone too much... it's just that i stayed up until 1:30 last night readind freud. i got almost nothing done over the weekend becasue i was so exhaused and couldn't concentrate. now i'm again tired, but because i didn't sleep enough.
and now i have to go study for a quiz i'm going to fail... happy monday!

three weeks to xmas break!
i don't know about you, but that makes me happy. ^_^

i've been having a very unspectacular week. except for hanging out with sarah, sean, and james on thursday, and going to the surrealist/anarchist/hallucinatory film fest with james yesterday (and i learned my lesson, no more surrealist films for me), nothing big happened.
honestly the two most pressing things on my mind are:
1 - haven't seen rek since monday, and i feel like i want to explode. aren't i a looser?
2 - i have my first tutoring session in about 30 minutes, and i'm rather nervous about that.

the best part about the upcoming break is that i'll finally have time to see all the people i've been neglecting for so long.

sorry luis, i wasn't able to answer your question today. however, i just had to say this:

the people at maclean's are crazy. on the other hand, they consider number of returning students when they evaluate these things.

The Novel 1984 as a Freudian Analysis of Communism

i had the coolest psychology of religions class today! not only did i get a B on my paper (which was 2 pages too short, i may add) but i also made a conclusion about something based on my own analysis (!!!).
see, we're reading freud, and old siggy is talking about how universal love must lead to repression of sexual instincts (because you certainly can't go out and fuck everyone, even though you "love" them) and it also leads to a universal hate of anything that is not within your "universe" (i.e. community).
what occurred to me is that this is exactly the way orwell interpreted communism in 1984! i was impressed that i had made that connection. ^_^

My Weekend

yesterday i found it more pressing to talk about my psychological state, so i didn't mention my weekend. i will do so now.
friday night was commencement, so i'm finally a high school graduate. go me! after this rek and i had our BIG DATE which adnan and greg tagged along on. i will never forgive you greg! no wait.... you paid me a dollar so i would forgive you.
saturday i spend a few hours a the library, then i went to the subway. since no one had managed to tell me that we'd be running late, i waited and waited and waited and i met james and talked to him.
i went to james's place for a while until everyone finally showed up. then we had FISH AND CHIPS (!!!).
we went back to mandy's and it was so great. ^_^ i love hanging out with you guys. our incessant and pointless conversations make me proud. (sean: the worm.)
then the ladies had a sleepover, and we had topless pillowfights all night long.
(a side note - when i was telling this story to rek, i mentioned the "topless pillowfights."
him: really?
me: no. but you can think about it.
he goes off into his own little world, humming and thinking about it. every once in a while he looks at my breasts, for reference.)
sunday i tried to work and failed. boo.

BISHMAAA!!!!

a long while ago, adnan and i went to see Bishma, a dance drama depicting the life of (who da thunk it) Bishma, worrier from the Mahabarata. it was ubercool! there were pyrotechnics!
it was an excellent production. they're gonna be doing this again next year (it's a four part series, over four years), and i'm making everyone come.
BISHMA IZ COOL!

i think i've concealed it well: the past three weeks of my life have been supreme hell.
everything went wrong at once, that is, the two things that matter most two me went wrong: my academic life, and my relationship with rek.

last night, talking to him about it, hearing the disappointment in his voice, it finally occurred to me what an ass i've been. i've been floundering around with the things dearest and most precious to me. i allowed doubt and fear to sneak into where they have no place.

i'm not depressed the way i once was... but, clearly, i still get periods of great unbalance. and that's bad.
life isn't a game, and life isn't long. there's no time for insecurities to torment you. you have to be brave, no matter how much you don't want to, and stand up, and draw your sword and fight that insecurity, because life is just too short to spend any time being afraid over nothing.

so i guess i'm feeling a lot more stable now... and hopefully i didn't manage to mess my life up too badly over the past three weeks. time to rebuild.


and a random side note: rammstein is recording!

I DID OK!!!!!!
honestly, that was the best midterm i've written. ^_^

but something occured to me as i was leaving today... math is a lot like religion. there are many paths to the answer... but there's only one right answer, DAMMIT!

also, i have a story to share:
one time, jeff mentioned a girl in his calc lecture who wears a cloack. i told him "yo guy! you gotta talk to this girl for me! i gots to get to know her!"
he never did. ::: angry fist shaking :::
however, today, i saw her! she was every bit as magnificant as i imagined. she wrote the exam in the same room as me.
when i saw her, i thought i have to talk to her, otherwise i'll regret it my whole life... but she was studying, and i didn't want to interrupt her...
sigh... i guess i'll have to wait until the january midterm.

today is the day of my final midterm. news analysts across the nation have been up since 6am pondering: will she make it?
last weekend i went to a tutorial thing, and i do feel a lot more confidant. i'm gonna spend about 4-6 hours today prepping, doing problems and stuff. i ought to be ok. kinda. sorta. ::: fingers crossed :::

tomorrow i'm gonna start working uberhard on algebra. i have a quiz next tuesday. it's time to get HARDCORE about this stuff.

and, of course, firday is commencement! yaay!
i don't know if i mentioned this, but i'm getting the Grade 12 Writer's Craft Award. before you go be happy for me, let me explain the three reasons why i find this award offensive:
1) it has nothing to do with my chosen field of study. who cares if i'm good at writing? i want to be good at physics!
2) like all the artsie awards, about 10 other people will get it, too.
3) ms. macnchester likes me, therefore rendering any award she gives me meaningless.
however, i'm still looking forward to seeing all you crazy ECIers again! and i again apologize i won't be there for all the friday night activities. but i will be doing some major hangingout on saturday. (mitul, you are, for this year only, born on november 8. that's just the way it is. don't ask questions)

oh, and last, but not least: Happy Hump Day!

ok, ok, i have something very EXCITING to share!!!!

on halloween, stan and i were sitting around, bored and in need of something to occupy a few hours. so we made a web site about THE GREATEST FOOD IN THE WORLD!!! please click on the link, and enjoy the never ending goodness!!!! DOOM!

inspired by mitul's UNBELIEVABLE story, i feel i ought to share this:
yesterday i was with rek, telling him all about mitul's SPECTACULAR evening. after i finished, he said:

rek: oh, by the way, you know that three-in-one ring you have? i found one like that at underworld, if you want it.
me: you know, other girls' boyfriends go out and buy them fancy jewelry. you just find me stuff on the ground.
rek: yup. well, i cleaned it off. no wait... i don't think i cleaned it off.
me: it's a good thing you have a nice personality.

GRRRRRnes!!!! brinkster started using ads!! ANGER! RAGE!
the whole reason i started using them was to avoid ads... now my precious elforium is doomed to ugliness!

anyone know of any free hosts with no ads?

ok, this is SO hilarious! well, perhaps less so to all the non-physicists, but *i* thought is was fabulous!
today in physics we asked the question of how much fuel it would take to accelerate a 1kg mass to the speed of light (c). later, professor morris sent us the following, via e-mail:

Lets scale back our ambitions about boosting a kilogram to the speed of
light c. Instead, lets go for a final velocity of c/30 = 10^7 m/s.
This is slow enough that the classical rocket formula certainly applies.
Use a roughly double Saturn V ish propellant velocity of 10^4 m/s. Then

log(m) = (10^7)/(10^4) = 1000.

m = exp(1000) kilograms.

m = 10^(1000/log 10) = 10^(1000/2.3) = 10^434 kilograms.

Just for reference, the mass of the sun is about 10^30 kg, the mass of
the milky way galaxy is about 10^11 solar masses, or 10^42 kg --- hmmm
we seem to be short by a *factor* of 10^392 ... more galaxies!

BOO!

everything you every wanted to know about halloween.... in german!

also, recipes for the world's greatest food ever.
and, pictures of said food.

happy halloween!

Ecstacy by VAST

Addicted to poison
The poison is a cure sometimes
I have a secret
A secret written in the skies
I need to go there (slow?)
I need to get up to the stars
I have a secret

Baby baby baby, you're my ecstacy
Baby baby baby, that's because I am on it
Baby baby baby (my little baby)
I'm gonna take some innocence from you (ooh)

i can't take this. i'm not cut out for university. i failed my algebra midterm (worse than i thought i would, that is) and i'm gonna fail my other two midterms. this is all too much...
i have a lab due in a few hours. i should have done it last night. i didn't. i just don't have it in me. i don't understand it, i don't have time, i don't have the energy to make time.

i honestly think i'm gonna fail first year.

you'll all be overjoyed, i'm sure, to hear that both my family and love life were doing roller-coaster things for the past few days. it was like WHOO-whee-ahh-hooo-noooooo!-wAHoo-AAAAHHHHHHH-eeep! then there was one of those corkscrew deals, followed by not one, not two, but THREE loop-dee-loops.
it's all better now though.

also, here's a fun tidbit: i told my dad that i'm with josh again. vit went through quite the roller-coaster himself when o told him:
the uphill - "you did what?"
the sudden down - "didn't he drop out?"
the loop-dee-loop - "well, i'm kinda glad. after all, you don't want to be like me, going through life alone."
the corkscrew - "tell him if he's not enrolled in university by january 31, you'll never see him again!"
the sudden end - 'i need to drink."

well, my linear algebra midterm was last night. and i'm expecting 35%.
maybe that'll teach me to not do my homework for five weeks.
or to not study until the day of the midterm.
bad vega! bad!

well, like all the other losers who just failed this midterm, i am vowing to buckle down, start taking this seriously, do my homework, and try to kick as much ass on the final as possible.

and, if not, i'll take the course again in the spring.

lastly, i feel like advertising:

ELFORIUM IS BETTER THAN A SACK FULL OF RABID APES!

since i didn't really elaborate earlier:
a few nights ago mandy came home, so we did some hanging out and some shopping, and then went to 34fish where we met up with sean, sarah, jeff, and rek. mandy and jeff went to a raptors game, and the rest of us attempted to go see a certain band (of which josh's mom's boyfriend's brother is a part) that was playing at a pub on younge street..
well, we go in at about 8:30, and the band's not on until 10. we sit around for a while. then, at 9:45, we get carded, and get tossed out. it was rather depressing, since all we wanted was to hear the band, but there you go, life's a tragedy.
fortunatley, we then ate ice cream, and all was well.

i have a midtern and two problem sets on thursday. i'm.... not ready.
well, i guess we all have to die some time.

as always, ed is right on the money.

last night i was kicked out of a bar, like a REAL college kid! go me!

i'm not copying you, but it reminded me of something.
one time, when i was feeling really bad about myself, like i was worthless and unloved, i sat down and wrote my name and said "vega, now you're gonna write how you really feel about yourself. i was rather surprized by the outcome.

Beautiful
Individual
Livley
Just
Anachronism
Novice
Adventurous

Viratious
Excited
Good
Angelic

Juvinile
Amazed
New
Imaginative
Creator

well, since it looks like i'm the first one to get to blogging since this weekend, i suppose it is my duty to describe what happened. (although i did notice sean has a weekend-themed MSN name... good for you, buddy!)

it all began one friday night... last firday night, in fact. all the kids were back home from school, so naturally we ran away from our parents and gathered in sean's rez. *
after a bit of unpleasantness which i choose not to get into, we called jeff over and went to pizza hut.

amusing anecdote #1

mandy, sean and i ordered an Edge pizza, the kind that has no crust, and the toppings go "to the edge."
jeff and greg got a stuffed crust pizza.
since mandy, sean and i had no crust, we ate theirs.
i didn't think it was funny, but greg insists it was ironic.

so then jeff goes off to meet some people, and we're alwking down the street.

amusing anecdote #2

on the sidewalk there is a grating, and some strange steam was issuing form it. mandy decides to run through it, all carefree and frolick-some. but i say "mandy, don't, who knows what sort of chemicals are in that."
it was at that moment that i grabbed greg, and let out a high, loud scream. for you see, a horrible slime monster had grabbed me by the ankle!
or so i thought. until i looked down and saw i had stepped on a rag.
they laughed at me.
we walked on, until i looked down again and realized that that rag had actually been my sweater. i went back to get it.
they laughed at me some more.

at this point we called mitul and decided to go to her place. the rest of the evening was spent hugging.

the following day, we went to ashbridges bay where we played with frizbees and tennis balls and "shadow fucking" (disturbed look at sean) and other fun stuff.
guys, it was so nice to once more be back in mandy's car! i don't know about you, but that was something i really missed. it just doesn't feel like normal life without weekends spent in that car.

this was followed by the purchase or some undergarments**, and a movie. again, i'm so proud of you all for choosing ararat, i've never been so happy with the groups choice of movie. the secret was not letting the men have an opinion. perhaps our politicians should learn from this.

sunday i went with rek for a family dinner thing. i was kinda sad... there was chocolate cake and apple cake and jello cake and pie... and i was too full to eat any of it. -_-

and, of course, monday i payed for it all, because there was not time to do all my work.

oh, and i have the best news in the universe: MORRIS POSTPONED THE PHYSICS MIDTERM BY A WEEK!!! this has been the happiest day of my life!!! that's kinda sad, actually...


* we being mandy, greg, sean and i.
** i made this footnote for no reason. i wanted to a) see who would look down to see more about "underpants," and b) felt just one footnote looked kind or bare.

my algebra prof, professor robin, is a very young man. he has facial hair and lots and lots of surly red hair that goes out in all directions.
today, i walk into class, and there i see a man's body, with an egg on top.
he had shaved it all off.

oh, and for the curious, i didn't hand calc set #3 in.

vega, academically speaking.

i must, i'm afraid, bore you by telling you about my academic life, simply because it so tied into my emotional life and sense of self worth.
it all started on monday. i had had a rather productive weekend. i thought i was good. i was on top of things. then i got two calc problem sets back.
vega last week: well, i didn't have time to do set #2. that's ok. i'll take the 0, but i know i'll do well on set #1. i worked my ass off on that! it's the best problem set in the universe!
well, i did get a 0 on set #2, as i expected. however, set #1 got 8/20.
to top it off, john got a 15 and a 10, and he was all sad about it. of course, he thought that you had to get 60% to pass, so he thought he had failed one. but why do i have to associate with all these brainiacs? all my new friends are so much started than me and are getting better marks... what if i actually fail first year? my dad would kick me out of the house, i bet.
so, tuesday i started out all sad. when i had physics, i suddenly got so jealous of my group of people that i hang out with. they all go to trinity college, and they're all getting so close. they get to hang out. me, i spend ALL MY TIME ALONE! i have no friends in most of my classes, i spend my breaks alone, and after school i go home and sit in my room, trying to avoid the inevitable work i must do. no wonder i feel so stressed and depressed: i have essentially no human contact!
tuesday ended well, however. i had an algebra test last period, and i felt so good about it! of course, next week i'll get in back and find out i failed that, too, but for now i'm gonna use that test to keep me feeling good for the rest of the week.

vega, non academically

i also saw rek last night (we had sushi! and it was actually filling. i guess you have to eat a lot to feel full). so that also helped relax me. i'm actually starting to feel tempted to try underworld (the live-action rpg he plays), which just goes to show how desperate i am for HUMANS!

guys, i can't wait for this weekend. if you've read all of this rambling, you'll know i'm pining for my friends. to spend friday AND saturday with you guys (plus sunday with rek) will be soo good for me.

i do have a more long-range plan of action.
1) i want to start working out with sean (yes, you!) so that's at least 1-2 hours a week with a friend.
2) i want to start a poetry group.
3) i have to make time to hang out with the handful U of T people whom i like (brani, jeff, if you're reading this, that means you.)

i apologize for my self-doubting rants. i promise, next one will be more interesting maybe something political. imagine the scandal!

the motto of a poem is: let's explore!
the poem does not create universes like a novel, and rarely does it create real characters. no. what the poet is thinking in the moment of creation is "i am a human being. i will put words together in such a way as to make you bleed. and once you bleed, then you will know what it means to be really human."
it's about revealing, ripping out, all of the essence of what it means to be alive and to feel.
to live: to experience elation and depression in quasi-instantaneous succession..! this is to feel, to be alive with every fiber of your body, and, for a glowing moment, to know the vastness of what it means to be "human!"

OMG mitul! i had no idea you were pro life... this is very upsetting for me... er... or an i misreading that, and are you pro-choice?
i was actually thinking about starting a pro-choice group at u of t (once i have the time to do so). this is an issue i really feel strongly about. simply put, the choice to have an abortion is never simple. and it's not just "well, if the mother's life is in danger then it's ok," because a mother's life can be in danger not just medically. what if she's from an ultraconservative household, in which case her father and brothers would have to kill her to preserve the honor of the family? what if her family would disown her and leave her on the streets? what if everyone she knows would loose respect for her? what if she's employed or a student and having a baby, or even carrying it to term, could irreversibly damage her future?
and what if she does carry it to term? my mother told me she fell in love with me the moment she saw me. if you were about to give a child up, could you life with that fact? or, if you wanted to give a child up, would you want it to come back 20 years later looking for you?
and most importantly, isn't the life of a grown woman more important than that of a few cells, heat-beat or not?

as a side note: on the topic of women who sleep around and have repeated abortions as a method of "contraception" - if such people exist, they should be sterilized.

and yes, i know what you mean about being told everything you know... and it is annoying.
lastly... are you perhaps seeing my point about why i may not want to go to montreal? i would LOVE to spend new year with my friends... but sober. BTW, remember, we did exactly that last year. and, as i recall, it was fun.

greetings humanoids, particularly those among you, my friends and comrades, who worry about my mental state!
i am well!

this i highly unusual. however, i sort of took sean and stan's advice, and relaxed. i didn't exactly take a day off school - but i tool a day off homework. thursday i went to rek's and helped him clean his room (ah! the relaxation!). it was rather terrifying: he hadn't dusted in over two years. i didn't know dust could get that thick.
friday we went to his grandma's for rosh hashanah dinner. allow me to share an anecdote from said dinner:
amy: geri gave me a bracelet for our one-year-anniversary
alexis: my boyfriend gave me a diamond ring (shows ring)
debbie: vega, what did you get for your one year?
me: (arms crossed) joshua?
rek: (steadily looking away) i'm not making eye contact with you.

this weekend i've tried to catch up on my religions reading, and have not quite made it.
i'm warning everyone now: this coming week i have two problem sets. i will go crazy!

lastly, i finally added new poems at mischief. take a look.

since everyone is posting pics, i thought i would too.
this is my physics professor, with an 8-foot slide-rule. you should have seen the look on his face when mubdi brought it in!

oh, one thing i neglected to mention about my adventures in U of T land...
the med sci building of one of the most hideous atrocities to ever insult god's name. it's a giant box, covered in tiny rectangular protrusions. it is the pimply-teenager of architecture.

however... there is a certain wall, half covered by ivy. the bottom is entirely green, and wavy because of those protrusions. gradually, the ivy thins, until the wall underneath is reveled. and this part of the building is lovely.

on tuesday i woke up, and realized that i was not filled with my usual enthusiasm for the new day. usually, waking up brings with it a sense of "yay! i'm alive in this world and i can make wonderful things happen today!" tuesday was not like that. tuesday was more like "shit. i have to get up."

i won't even begin to list the medical side effects of the stress, but i can honestly say, without hyperbole, that my existence is filled with a sense of foreboding doom, and existentialist angst.

however, a wonderful thing happened yesterday: after my german class, i had two hours to kill. so, i did what i like to do best: i explored. i walked down queen's park, and went into the neurology building, the medical science building, and the sigmund samuel library. this campus is amazing! the buildings are beautiful, and there are some amazing views from the windows. siggy sam was especially good. there are all these really nice study carousels, and BOOKS! honestly, there were rows and rows and rows of them! i walked down the aisles, and just muttered "wow... wow." i couldn't believe there were so many books in the world, much less in one place. at the bottom floor, they have the kind of shelves where you have to turn a crank to move them apart. i don't like those, i always think at any moment i'll open one and find frozen cadavers, just waiting to be re-animated.
i've also concluded that UofT has as many, if not more, computers than it does students.
next time i have some hours to myself, i'm gonna look at the buildings around king's college rd.
those two hours of walking around and looking at things did a LOT to soothe me.

yesterday i took a day off of studying/wallowing in self pity over how much i need to study, and went out. rek and i joined sean et. al. in seeing underworld, followed by us going (minus the et. al.) going to see nickleback at younge-dundas square.

rek and i were feeling quite affectionate (or silly, or dumb, whatever) so we did stuff that seemed to not sit well with wendy. for example, when i jumped onto a ledge by the sidewalk, and called out: "josh! catch me!" he caught me, swung me around, and kissed me, and wendy cried out "i want one of those!"
i can understand her reaction. but, on a philosophical level, i think that's it's silly to get upset or jealous of other people's happiness. not just in love, but in all forms of success. you'll get along much better if you take their happiness and internalize it, and derive your own joy from theirs.

all in all, it was a fine day, marked by a very filling bean burito. damn, that was gooood burito.

the only bad thing about the whole day was... well... i have this problem. see... i worship george stroumboulopoulos. it's pathetic. and, since the concert was presented by muchmusic, george was there, in all his punk-loving glory. rek and sean kept making fun of me. they picked me up and held me above the croud, yelling "george! this girl loves you!!!"
after the show, we went up to the stage looking for guitar piks, and he walked right by and TALKED TO US! well, he talked to the boys, because, as they pointed out, i just stood there in stunned silence.
i'm such a looser.

after this, we walked sean back to rez, meandering and laughing moronically, as all teenagers with their bellies full of music do. i liked that part best. walking the streets of downtown toronto with two of my favorite people, and being stupid.

vega's timetable has been changed! and, by god, doing so was a pain.
it all started when i switched my calc lecture. i got the ONE SPOT available at the time i wanted, only to realize that my algebra tutorial is at the same time, not an hour later as i thought. much stress later, i've now moved that tutorial. and all i well. kinda.

i think of all my friends, i am handling the change worst, which is odd, because i thought i was so ready for this. but instead i'm lost in work, over stressed, and have no time for any extra curiculars. hell, i hardly have time for tutorials!

maybe it's that everyone - except greg - is living in rez. maybe i ought to see how old greggie is handling this... us communters need to stick together.

as some of you may already know, i almost cried while doing my algebra homework.
it was horrible. i understood everything one moment, and then i started the problems, and suddenly it was GONE. and i read every example and i just didn't get it, and i had this whole "i'll never survive university, this is too much, there aren't enought hours in the day, I WISH I WERE DEAD!!!" moment. then i read a certain text description of how to do the problem, and o figured it out. it's a good thing i'm not proactive about killing myself.

but really. i don't know what i'm gonna go. ever time i think i'm on top of things, i go to class and find out, no, i'm not on top, i'm waaay at the bottom. for example, i had set aside time to read the forst two chapters of my religions book. i didn't, becasue algebra took up all my time. how i have a lecture today on those chapters today. you can see how i'm screwed.

all i can say is: i hope everyone else is getting along a lot better than i am!

it's a damn good thing i'm not the host of "the sunday night sex show."
now, i know we all appreciate what sue johansen does. she helps people become more comfertable with their sexuality, and offers sound advice. but i can't help but get annoyed with the program. it seems to me that the advice sue gives is almost always:
1) have you tried using a vibrator?
2) you should see a doctor about that.

but it's not even the redundancy that bothers me most. what i can't stand is the stupid questions some people pose. just tonight, in the span on 5 minutes, i heard:
1) is it true that a man and a woman can become stuck together during intercorse and have to be surgically seperated?
2) my friends and i are thinking about giving up sex for lent. are there any medical dangers to doing this?
3) i have had dreams about having sex with other women. am i a lesbian?

honestly, i don't know what to make of people with such questions. i know if i were the host of the show, my answer would be:
1) no. you are stupid. you deserve to die.

A bleeding anus cloud, who'd a thunk it. They make
plugs for that, you know.


which rejected character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

due to popular demand, vega will now write something about her life in the past two weeks!

my friends, i have not moved out. i do not know the joys of being responcible to no one but myself. i cannot go out whenever i feel like it, and come home when the whim strikes me. and i shall never know the glory of sustaining life on a diet of pizza, mac-and-cheese, fries, burgers, and other "camp food."

but i'm in university, damn it! and i refuse to have no stories to tell about it!

frosh week (september 2-6th) was pretty damn good. we had various activites, went to Medeival Times, Wonderland, and a boat cruise, and i met a fair fist-ful of people (none of whom sucked!).

i am most proud of myself for going to two parties, one at Hart House, one held by the engineers. in both cases, i first thought i wouldn't want to go, because it didn't sound like my kind of scene, but i was eventually tricked into it, and i'm rather glad i was.
i especially enjoyed the engineering party because, despite the overwhelming smell of pot and cigarettes, the music was great and the atmosphere was fun, and i danced like a maniac. (i delibaratley avoided looking too closley at the ground, but they tell me it was littered with used condoms. the things drunked teenagers will do never cease to amaze me.)

i've had all but one of my classes so far. my german teacher seems nice. my religions teacher is trying to reduce class size by beaing the most boring speaker imaginable. my algebra class is HARD! and, lastly, and most importantly, my physics prof is grat! he's energetic, enthusiastic, and hilarious! i'm gonna enjoy that course.

my babies are all growing up...
day by day, i watch my friends moving on with their lives and into the great unknown called "university." yesterday miranda left for macmaster, and today mitul left for windsor. on monday, tess will be leaving for trent, and sean will be coming to u of t (although, he's moving closer to me, rather than further away).

the past few days have been quite emotional, saying goodbye to everyone. i felt very mushy at mandy's BBQ, when we were all sitting in the backyard by candle light, feeling so close, and knowing it was time to go.

i wish everyone all the best, not that you'll need it: you'll do great no matter what.

also, i want to share the advice my father gave me today: men will do anything for sex. so use that.
right...

how i made the Grand & Toy girl's day:

it all started with a mechanical pencil. a beautiful pencil, the fairest in the land. it had triangular comfort grip. it was wide. it was gooood.
and then i lost it.
BUT! lo and behold, i go to the store, and i find it yet again! and we had a beautiful time together, writing tests and threatening letters... until, one day, it melted. i kid you not. ask mitul, she was there.

i figured i'd never find it again. i resigned myself to a life of inferior mechanical pencils. but today, we go into the local Grand & Toy, and i ask the girl there if they have it... and she boldly strode into the writing utensils aisle, and she found it!
"yes! that's it, you found it!" i squealed in delight.

she smiled, and i think she was quite happy to have served me. hell, i would have been happy to serve me.

i know it sounds over dramatic, but it's hard to be me. i was reading two somebodies just now, and these is no way to explain what happened in my head except with the use of a quote and emoticons:

We were also thinking about New Years' and were thinking about going to Montreal (^_^) and obviously drinking our asses drunk there.(-_-)

sometimes, i almost wish i did drink, just so i wouldn't have to feel so...outside.

well pardon me for not having an interesting life! i've mostly worked for the past week. in fact, this weekend was my first days off in a week. THE HORROR! fortunately, this wednesday is my last day of work, and i am very happy about that.

friday was addy's annual summer bash, which was very nice for the two hours i was there. i then left to go see the martix reloaded with rek. i was just as amazing as the first time.

saturday i went to "same planet, different world," an SMC orientation event. it was just a big campus scavenger hunt thing, but it was fun. i met at least one person who i would feel comfortable going up to in the future. so i figure i achieved my goals for that day.

yesterday i went to rek's grandparent’s house to celebrate cousin sara's birthday and to celebrate that alexis is going off to university. but man... i wish my family was like that. as sara was opening her birthday cards, she'd take out $40, $50... i want cash!!!

so i'm off to work again... WELCOME HOME MANDY!

well, sean, it did take over 24 hours to get the power back. my dad and i were looking through binoculars, and we say that the buildings near mill road had power at 8 pm on thursday. we, however, did not. we got it back some time around 3 or 4 on friday. so don't you go pulling that small town business on me! actually, i was quite annoyed, because the radio kept giving updates how all these small towns had power, but it took so long for toronto (and even etobicoke) to get it.

in regards to what i said on sean's tag-board, in response to todd's comment, no, i am not a freak. when todd said that he saw his grandparents having sex, i said i wished mine would, too. it's simply because i've always wished my grandparents would be more affectionate. they don't even kiss! but i love them, and i think that good people deserve every sort of happiness... of course, having sex at their age might prove hazardous...

and, in response to mr. chen: YAY! SCHOOL!
er.... well, i for one actually am looking forward to school starting. those of you who are not can go pick your noses.

no one will read this for a day or so (at least no one in ontario), because, of course, we're in the middle of a black out.
i'm online becuase jesus has a battary. whoo!
if there's one good thing about this, it's that i get the day off, so i won't be working 10 days in a row.

i'm thinking i'd like to see addy, but he's trapped in his building. it's so strange, because i can see his building from where i sit, but how can anyone go up and down from the 21st floor, by the stairs, in the dark? it's not like actually being trapped in an elevator, but it's still kinda creepy.

from what the radio tells me, things in toronto have been very orderly. i hopw everyone can keep their heads when it's 31 degrees out...

take care!

speaking of happy-go-lucky... you know what rocks? being in love. being in love is this great :::stretches out arms:::
yeah. that much.

:::grumble grumble grumble:::
what is it with random weirdos and dissing people they don't know? and why is it that body gets all the weirdos? none of my friends with tag boards get these.
last time was with that perverted old man talking about miranda's bra. now this "unknown" character. at least the pervert had balls to leave his e-mail.
oh, and for future reference: when a looser like "unknown" posts, kids, just ignore them until i can delete the posts. don't bother replying - i am aware that they are pathetic winos with no life.

speaking of things and people that do nothing but annoy: i was spending the weekend at mehaik's when my dad called me home early. he claimed to have been feeling ill, but no! he just wanted to rant at me about what a failure he is, that physics is a waste of time, and that i will be a failure too.
and the funny thing is, after all this time, i haven't learned to stop treating the things he says like prophecy. i stare, all wide-eyed, hoping what he says doesn't come to pass, failing to realize this is the ranting of an old man who has wasted his life.

jeez... can't i find something happy-go-lucky to talk about? i work tomorrow, monday and tuesday off, then i work 10 days in a row. mitul, this means i'll be working every day until miranda comes back. sorry about that. but feel free to call me after 7pm, ok?

Apocalyptica covers Rammstein with a German punk diva, and all is well in the universe.

you know, it just occurred to me that the media plays on our insecurities about sex just as much as it does on our paranoia about our health, and our laziness about cooking.

when you see an infomercial for the new amazing device that will cut cooking time in half, or sculpt your abs, you know it's all b.s. and don't pay it any attention - excluding boring saturday afternoons, when infomercials simply are the best programming available on television.
but, somehow, when the "experts" decide to tell you how to please him in the bedroom, or how to have bigger better and wetter orgasms, we think they may have something.

and at the end of the day, none of these people tell us anything new. deep down inside, we all know the only way to get the perfect body is to eat sensibly, and to move around (i choose not to use the word "exercise," because that's like using the word "work" to describe your life's passion),

similarly, deep down inside we all know that the only way to have great sex is to have a loving partner, and wad of self-esteem, and to be willing to try new things.

and yet this instinctive knowledge gets left behind whenever dr. ruth tells you to spice things up by leaving love notes in your vagina, throwing fears of paper cuts to the wind.

---

omens come in three's, it's a scientific fact.
but the multitude of times i've been asked to re-evaluate my stance on alcohol and/or drugs just doesn't have the ring of an omen to me.

i was thinking today, and it occurred to me that up until a year or so ago, i had never turned away from my values - of course, my values had never been challenged until then. for the past year i've been having some of my most fundamental values put to question.

i think that what makes you who you are is what and how you think. my beliefs and my values are who i am.

(and now, to synthesize these three unrelated paragraphs...)

in the time i've maintained my beliefs anf values, i've been myself, but unhappy. i've been and unhappy somebody.
if i were to change my views on alcohol/drugs simply because i was asked to, to give up my values, i'd be nobody. but happy, because i wouldn't have the stress of constantly being challenged on my shoulders.

what occurred to me today is that i like being happy, and that it is very tempting to be a happy nobody instead of an unhappy somebody.

it also occurred to me that the happiness of a nobody doesn't mean much to anybody.

the new layout at stonefish kicks! it, like, makes me feel. and stuff.

there's a guy named ali who works in the gift shop at peir 6. we sometimes stop, chat about life and dostoyevsky. today he gave me...

the best compliment ever:

ali: you're going to be a writer.
me: why do you say that?
ali: because every time i see you, you're thinking.

hah! to those of you who though i was all spiffy, i have proof to the contrary! just as i was worried would happen, one of my classes - calculus - filled up for the timeslot i wanted. now i have a timetable i'm significantly less happy with. oh well... it's not that bad. i'll learn to live with it.

also, GOODBYE MANDY! have fun in england, and don't eat anything i wouldn't eat.

today, i sign up for my courses. i am nervous. very, very nervous.
what if one of them has already filled? what if it's just one course, but it messes up my timetable? people have been registering since 6 this morning, but i have to wait until 4... and do you know what that means? it means there are 10 000 people who were better than me in high school. i'm bottom of the barrel here. i'm 2nd or 3rd round admission.... and what hope is there for me among those eggheads?

i'm gonna respond to evan's comments on the tag board, because while i may be a hypocrite in many aspects of life, i refuse to be one here, daggit!

firstly, the woman who insulted me has every right to not like how i look. however, it is unlikely that she was actually commenting on my appearance, because if she went and insulted everyone she found ugly, she'd have gotten the shit beat out of her by now. it is more likely that se found my job annoying - and i can't blame her, because so do i.

however, that child SCARED me. none the less, it's not like i went and told him that he's ugly, nor did i go find his mother and say "lordy, you got one oo-gly child!"

this is my justification for my apparent hypocrisy.

as you know, the other day we held adnan's coming out party. it was held at the restaurant at high park. and, for me and the girls, the high point of the event was the infamous wang cake... we started out with a regular chocolate cake (made from scratch! er... instant mix...), however, we sliced up a cupcake for testicles, and used chocolate sprinkles to make pubic hair
however, the question remained, "how to make the wang?" we considered every option, from making one using cake mix, to using an eclair, but nothing satisfied us. finally, in the candy section of loblaws, we found it... an oh henry bar!
we triumphantly inserted the chocolare bar into the cake, tipped it with whipped cream, wrote in frosting for adnan to have a "happy cumming out" and headed to the restaurant.
when we got there, the chocolate had become flaccid from the heat of the car, and the cake wasn't as happy to see adnan as we had hoped. adnan rectified this by giving it head.
and that is my noble tale.

firstly, i think this is a great idea. i'm gonna do it, as soon as i can find enough photos.

as for you todd, your next summer is all up to you as to how you spend it. take me for example. i'm spending my summer working (by choice) and spending every other available moment with my friends. and i intend to do it again next summer, after having finished first year.
however, i must say, i wish i was doing as much reading as you. i try to read these days, and fall asleep. perhaps my work and party regime isn't the most energy efficient...

sean and the girls have all done the surverys below on their blogs. i don't usually dig the survey scene, but tonight i was filled with the impetus to fill this out. enjoy!

1. Full Name: Biljana Vega Janic
2. What Do You Look Like: 165cm, 60-odd kg, brown hair with spots of black from last winter's dye attempts, eyes that change colour depending on the time of day, state of the atmosphere, my mood, and what I'm wearing.
3. Job(s): Selling tickets for Toronto Tours at Peir 6.
4. Hometown: Toronto, Belgrade, Belanovica/Kalanjevce, Bela Crkva.
5. Future school: University of Toronto
6. Best Friends: Mehaik, Mitul, Miranda, Sean, Adnan, Max, Greg, Davis.
7. Special Talents Or Skills: I've been trying very hard to figure that out... so far, we've concluded that I am the local expert on poet e.e. cummings.
8. Little Known Talent You Possess: I can sit in lotus posture... but I think we all knew that...
9. Character Traits I Look For In A Person: Confidant and self-sufficiant, with little to no drama in their life.
10. Best Number In The World: 18
11. One Pillow Or Two: I have two because they are both very thin.
12. Hobbies: Poetry, writing, karate, and reading my National Geographic ^_^
13. Collect: National Geographic, oddly shapped cans. I used to collect rocks and bits of glass and foreign money, and I still have tons of those. Also, I have a stack of old Serbian Mickey Mouse comics under my bed.
14. Dream Car: Something black and sexy.
15. Word Or Phrases You Overuse: "Dumbwad" "Your mom!" and any of a variety of ways to make curse words sound nice.
16. Boxers Or Briefs: Now that really depends on the situation. If you just want an undergarment, I'd say breifs are the way to go. However, if you want to be able to lounge about pansless, it's got to be boxer breifs.
17. Favorite Bras: Each has its advantages and disadvantages. But I guess my new one is my favorite.
18. What Type Of Deodorant Do You Use: Anything gel, because they're the only ones that really don't leave a white residue.
19. Have You Ever Been Skinny Dipping: No, unless you count when I was 3. I'd find it immoral, personally.
20. Do You Make Fun Of People: Usually I just kid around, but once I said some really mean things to a person I was mad at. She thought I was kidding, but I meant it, and I felt bad for using her trust to insult her that way.
21. Do You Get Along With Your Parents: :::rolls around laughing:::
22. Have You Ever Been Convicted Of A Crime: Well, there was the whole trafficing thing... and the brothel... but otherwise no.
23. Important Lessons You've Learned: What's meant to be will be.
24. Who Are Your Crushes (They Can Be Famous Or Not): Josh.
25. Online Crush: Ditto.
26. Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Husband/Wife: Ditto.
27. Tattoos And Piercings: none
28. Favorite Town To Chill In: Toronto, Budapest, Belgrade.
29. What Is Your Bedtime: 11:30.
30. Favorite Website: refer to this.
31. Favorite Sport(s): Karate, swimming, and anything involving snow.
32. Silliest Person(s) You Know: Me! And to a lesser extent, you.
33. Say One Nice Thing About The Person That Sent This To You: I forget. ^_^
34. Best Advice Ever Given: RLG205Y1 is not a social science. Yes, that's the best advice I've ever received.
35. Coolest Experience: White Pine, Muskoka, Formal (prom), Cottage Afterparty, trip to Greece, and all of grades 11 and 12.
36. Funniest Experience: I have those?
37. Most Humiliating Moment: Oh, I don't have those. (I just don't remember my funny and embarassing moments)
38. Scariest Experience: Now this one I know! I was at Adnan's and I stepped on a sweing needle. I though I would pass out, it freaked me out so much to see half the needle and the thread sticking out of me.
39. Scariest Thing You've Ever Done: Standing up to someone I love about something important.
40. Most Romantic Thing That Ever Happened To You: Every day since The Ides of March, 2002. (Yes, I'm a sap...)
41. Favorite Thing To Do In The Summer: Road trips. And, of course, swimming and ice cream.
42. Favorite Thing To Do In The Fall: Start school! No, really. It's exciting, starting over fresh every fall.
43. Favorite Thing To Do In The Winter: On a day when it's snowing, but gently, put on 10 layers, go outsite, and be awed.
44. Favorite Day(s): Monday and Saturday.
45. Favorite Month(s): January.
46. Song That Describes Yourself: Used to be "Not Like You" by JJ72. Now it's "Bitch," I forget the artist. You know the one, I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint...
47. Favorite Musical: None.
48. Favorite Animal(s): Elephants, Great Dane dogs, whales.
49. Favorite Movie(s): The Guru, Moulin Rouge, 12 Monkeys, American Beauty
50. If You Could Have A Tattoo Where And What Would It Be: Om on the back of the neck.
51. If You Could Turn Into Only One Animal Real Or Imaginary What Would You Be: Griffin.
52. If You Could Meet One Person In The World, Who Would It Be: Stephen-to-the-Hawking.
53. If You Were To Kill Someone, What Method Would You Choose: Bury them neck-deep in something very hydrophyllic.
54. if You Could Streak In Front Of Anyone's House, Who Would It Be: I don't do that. Besides, I'm not sure if the intent of the question is to entice or terrify. ^_^
55. If You Could Do One Thing To The Person That You Hate The Most, What Would It Be: Um... the obvious... make them get rid of whatever it is you hate about them. Usually, this means making them read a book.
56. Favorite Body Part On/In You: This little spot on my legs where no hair grows. Also, my hip bone.
57. What You Notice About The Opposite Sex First: About all people, of both genders, I always notice body structure and how they walk first.
58. Favorite Body Part Of The Opposite Sex: Neck, shoulders, arms.
59. Best Place To Mess Around: The Universe, excluding wherever your family is in the room.
60. Something You Hate: Incongruity (unless it's funny), George Bush, bad parents.

i would like to say that i am very much not fond of sean right now (and mitul, you're in trouble too!)
what's all this about telling ADULTS about the blogs? i mean, what happened to the good old days when grown-ups were the enemies? now i have the suspicion of jim having been here (thank you mitul) and mr. chen just posted on the tag board (sean...).
i mean, thanks mr. chen for the nice comment, but this is where i vent about my insecurities and family problems - and that's just the last two posts. you're not supposed to know about those things.
rightly or wrongly, we do tend to put up these walls. only certain people are supposed to know what's really going on in our heads. but my immediate concern isn't quite so philosophical, it is simply that all i say here is typical teenage stuff, the kind of stuff that's interesting to my friends who are going through similar situations, but must sound ridiculous to someone who is at least 10 years past all this.

to those of you who are curious about my current MSN name ("U of T elf/ i've noticed a direct correlation between talking to my father and suicidal tendencies"), allow me to explain.
last night vit wanted me to write an application for visitation with anne in my own name. i have always been opposed to being involved in this legal dispute between him and my ex-step-mother, but to him it's a matter of family unity. so when i didn't want to get involved he got off on his usual "i'm all alone in the world" rant. however, this digressed into what a failure i am, how i'll never make anything of myself, how i'll never make it to Cambridge... i think it's that last one that got me most. Cambridge has been my dream for as long as i care to remember, and for him to just flat out say that i'll never achieve it... that really hurt.
and yes, for a moment, when he was saying those things, i really thought life was not worth living.

i must say, i never cease to be amazed at the female species ability to be insecure. take me for example. after a year and four months, i'm still as sure that josh is about to leave me at any moment as i was a year ago. and i do realize it's not healthy and that it's only causing me stress that i simply cannot deal with, but i can't help it.
one can only hope that the legends they tell us are true, and by the time us girls turn 30 we'll finally be comfortable in our skins. here's hoping.

three things that happened to me at work today:

1) i guess they were testing for the air show in august, because several times during the day jets flew noisily overhead. one time this happened was particularly loud. i looked up, realized there was no plane, and jumped.
(for the record, it's not that i'm stupid - when i saw there was no plane, i was worried a bomb had gone off. so no stupid, just paranoid.)

2) as i was selling on the docks when a woman walks by me and says "nice face." after making sure i was neither sun burned nor covered in any sort of goo, i concluded that some people are jerks.

3) i saw the UGLIEST child ever.

More MSN names:

Mehaik- Aliens Rock!

Rossman -Is it too late to talk about aliens?

today's MSN names (in chronological order)

Rekalus - Stupid aliens...

Max - I like aliens ^.^

U of T elf / i AM an alien!

Mehaik- For Sale. Bid rising: 31(Vega)| If u like aliens, i'll give u aliens!

i found this amusing...

five days later...
so far, work has been treating me well. friday saturday and sunday were so hectic, we were selling out every single boat. then on monday the weather was crappy and we had no business at all. now i have the next two days off. yay!

i've been pretty tired though: most days after work i go out and then don't get home until midnight. i guess i'll have to learn to schedule better.

have you ever noticed that on talk shoes, the kids always look twice the are they're supposed to be? those skanks i just saw on Jenny Jones... no way they were 12 or 13.

item #1 - vit's going to cuba on the 13th! go independence!

item #2 - i'm employed! the fine people at toronto tours have decided to pay! i imagine they also expect me to do stuff... painful stuff. meh, such is life.

O Canada!
Terre de nos aïeux,
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!
Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,
Il sait porter la croix!
Ton histoire est une épopée
Des plus brillants exploits.
Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

i know it may be ridiculous, but canada day is one of my favorite holidays of the year, right after winter solstice and my birthday. and yes, my birthday is a national holiday - people, rejoice!

anyway, after many many horrible complications, sean and i ended up downtown, watching the benson and hedges fireworks from a great distance away, and listening to some very political music. there was one song about pierre trudeau that really touched both myself and sean. he was a wonderful man. and as the singer said, i'm sorry that i never met you.

something that's been on my mind a lot is the matter of drugs. growing up, i never thought it was gonna be something i'd ever have to think about, i never thought it would affect my life. but here we are. and i am in the constant fight against hypocrisy - how can i be morally opposed to drugs and still be friends with people who use them? not just friends, but best friends. shouldn't friends be people who share your values and beliefs? and for me, the belief that clear-mindedness is one of the most important virtues a person can posses is very important... but this is the very thing that drug use destroys.
i often hear things about "seeing the world and your body i new ways" or simply "letting go of inhibitions." as far as i'm concerned, these are things that people should deal with within their own minds - that is, if you feel so damn inhibited, perhaps you should work on your self esteem or on your relationships with the people around you. and if you want to open you senses, christ sake, why not try meditating or yoga?
this is just another symptom of our quick-fix society. turn on the t.v. around midday and you'll find a billion infomercials on how to cook, clean, loose weight, or find a mate faster, easier, and with less effort. everyone is just waiting for the day that good food, a clean home, and a sexy body come in pill form.
and besides, why would you want to be, even for a minute, someone other than who you are when you are clear-minded?

wow, it's so odd to be at home...
monday night i was too tired to go o karate, so i tried to take josh to see 2001: a space odyssey. we got two hours into it before he couldn't stand it any more. while i agree with him that a lot of the sound effects were annoying and unnecessary, i really got into it after a while. he said we could rent it some other time, but we all know he was just saying that...
i went to school to get my marks on tuesday (83 average, oh yeah!). did some job hunting, then mehaik came over and a bunch of us spend the evening at rek's.
yesterday rek and i went to his grandparent's place to go swimming, then for dinner.

IT IS SO HOT! it's been over 30 for the past few days, and i can't take it any more... it was fine until this morning. i woke up and i was intolerable. but it's supposed to rain and cool down to 20 tomorrow. here's hoping!

today we will discuss the love life my dad thinks i have.

i seem to have taken suspiciously too many pictures at my formal with sean haider. this, coupled with my spending an afternoon alone with him, and him coming by my place the next day, clearly mean am dating him. :::nod nod nod:::
i realized that vit has this idea when he referred to sean as "that boyfriend of yours with the guitar."

it's quite unfortunate that he thinks this. he recently saw a pic of me with rek, and he said "he looks like a nice boy. why don't you go out with him?"
sigh.

so, yesterday irene and i take a nice long walk to the chapters in the bloor west village (you know, the one that used to be a theatre and looks all spiffy) and we got out new harry potters!

and oh my god, it is soooo good! i can't beleive all the stuff that's happened (i'm up to the chapter "detention with delores") and the howler. the horses, everything! it's so exciting and just wow.... and dumbldore is so great. "it's alright as long as they keep me on the choloclate frog cards."

i thought you should all know that i am:

Which Agent Smith are you?

By Madeline Elster

and todd, even though everyone is been bugging you about it, i'm gonna say it too: Harry Potter 5 comes out at midnight!!! i've been waiting for this for so long! i can't wait to find out what will happen with all this political intrigue, and i can't believe voldemort is back, and good bod, who would have guessed about snape and the death eaters? i totally trust him now. and i can't wait to see what happens next!

i've been trying to decide between lining up for the book or going to karate tonight... maybe i can do both?

oh, and speaking of horny canadians :::points at tag board::: i stopped to talk to a girl from school today, and she was telling me about her boyfriend and her, who've been together for over a year now. she was saying how in the beginning they would have sex 5 or 6 times a day, every day, and now they're down to once or twice a week. she said "and that's very stressful for and 18-year-old girl."
she also mentioned how, while she still enjoys sex, her boyfriend mentioned that he just doesn't find it as exciting any more. i've herd a few people express this opinion, and i'd like to say one thing: i don't know what you people think you're doing, but it can't be sex.

wow, it's so strange to think about all the stuff that's happened in the past 11 days.
i finished all my exams fairly. i am doing the looking for a summer job and preparing for university life (boo yah!)

however, the most important thing to record is the formal and cottage:
THEY WERE SPECTACULAR!
the formal was absolutely perfect in every way: everyone looked amazing, the food was nice, the Governor's Room was so pretty, the music was great, and rek was a wonderful date! i just had so much fun dancing and spending time with all my sexy, sexy friends.
the next morning we headed off to the cottage. the three days we spent there were unending fun and goodness smothered in love and whipped cream. all of our little day trips, outings, and experiments with cooking were so much fun and so memorable.
also, i learned something: cooking and cleaning are fun when you like the people you're doing it for.

the only sad bit of news is that mira is leaving today, and that i'm going to miss her.

EXAMS ARE ALMOST DONE!!!

great joy abounds in the land. little gnome-like creatures are dancing about, celebrating the fact that after monday at 11 am, i am free, free, free!
however, tragedy has struck: after going out yesterday, hanging out, shopping, three of us have become sick. miranda, greg, and i all have horrible "stuff" coming out of our noses. i can't speak for them, but i'm sneezing every few minutes, and (warning, the rest of this paragraph contains information you might not want to know about me) when my dad came in and asked if i was sick, i answered by spewing mucous over my shirt. ew.

speaking of the old bloke, i have a story to share:
a few days ago i got my 4th and final letter of university acceptance. this is what happened:
me: "daddy! i got accepted to waterloo!"
vit: "yeah yeah. how did your exam today go?"
me: "fine. but daddy, your daughter got accepted to all the universities she applied to. don't you have anything to say?"
vit: "so i guess the universities only accepting the bad students this year."
i drop my jaw and stare at him.
me: "daddy!"
after a moment... he confesses
vit: "or maybe, you know, you're a good student."
it was one of the most victorious moments of my life. ^_^

good luck to everyone on our remaining exams!

a few days ago i caught the episode of oprah where they were talking to those girls who were videotaped with the hazing thing. after that they talked to a family who went away for spring break and came back to find that their son's friend had snuck into the house and threw a massive party which left over $10 000 in damage. they described the state of the house as everything being trashed, furniture being urinated on, blood on the walls, and condoms everywhere. if the neighbors hadn't called the cops, by the end of the week the kids would have burned the hose down.

this brings up two issues.

one is this whole "condoms everywhere" business. i just don't like the idea that there are people out there having meaningless sex.

the second is how hard it is to be a parent in today's world. i couldn't do it, i'd be too paranoid. i can't compete with television. i don't think i can instill any sort of values in my kids if i'm always competing with tv and peers, which say that actions have no consequences, and that nothing means anything. how can i compete with friends who offer drinks or drugs? how do i deal with a twelve-year-old daughter coming home pregnant, with a 16-year-old who wants to drink, with a teenager who's a drug dealer, or a 40-year-old who cheats on his wife? how exactly are you supposed to raise an adult in this world?

i've had a good week:
monday was victoria day, which miranda has already described. the only thing i have to add is just how much fun it was dancing with rek to natalie macmaster's music, and how nice it was to go barefoot on sand. i've been longing for a while now to go on a beach vacation (which won't happen any time soon...), and i really miss salt water, and sand, and lounging in the shade.

also, i saw the martix on friday night, and it was AMAZING! i can't wait for the last one to come out...

we got my new shades and desk yesterday, and i my room looks so big now, i love it. i feel all grown up ^_^

a funny thing happened: we had a fuel leak, and our car caught on fire. i wasn't there at the time, though i imagine it must have been neat. apparently the car is ok now, but vit has some burns on his arms.

i apologize for not having anything profound to say. ^_^ i guess i'll go study some more.