maybe it's because i'm sick. having my immune system all worn out can't be helping my mood. but for the past two days, particularly, i've been feeling so down, and so lonely.
yesterday i was just lying on my bed, thinking of how wretched i felt, not knowing who to call. i got up and wrote in my journal. then i read over everything i've written since january, and i felt a lot better. that's when i compiled those new years resolutions.
now again, today. i've been feeling the sickness today. and all day, struggling to fight the instinct to just sleep, telling myself i'll just survive this one day, so i can see rek afterwards... it's ok, it's worth it to survive this because i'll see rek in the end... so when i got home an called, imagine how disappointed i was to find that julie is in town, and he's having dinner with her. i like the girl, but seems she always comes to town when i need him most.
and everything sucks. as much as i've improved, i'm still ill in the head. i still have to fight bouts of loneliness and doubt and insecurity and depression. i hate it.

i was looking through my journal, and noted all the new years resolutions i've made since january 1 2003. some of these are only a week and a half old. these are my resolutions:

-To hold my head up.
-To smile at strangers.
-To tear down my facades myself, especially around the the man I love.
-To remember that people love me!
-To stop doubting my feelings.
-At the end of lunch, to not be hungry.
-To be modest.
-To be pious.

i've been reading stonefishspine.com for quite a while, but these past few days i've been reading it with the undying worship of an 80-year-old woman reading a harlequin romance.

the gentleman who runs this site is in love. the sort of love that only people with magic in their eyes can ever be so blessed to feel. like irene. the kind of love that every human being knows is in their heart, but so few can ever find the person who will bring it out.
it's kind of tragic that the only people i've ever felt that sort of magic are "jon," max, and mehaik. i want magic.

i'm asking far too much. after all, even i don't say everything that i feel. i never can find it in me to say what's in me. if i had the cleverness to write down the things that go through my head when i'm alone, the sort of religious awe that is hovering in my skull... who am i to ask for what i can't give?
but wouldn't it be lovely to be adored beyond reason? to be loved so that your every mystery is a delicious anguish to the one that loves you? to be described the way the gentleman from stonefishspine describes his beloved?