introduction: i feel the need to apologize for the vagueness of the following entry. i wrote it in a moment of high emotion and realization. i myself hate it when people blog like this, but it's just how it came to me.

***

I like him. That is the problem you see. Anyone who I’ve ever considered a soul mate, a kindred spirit, there was a degree of repugnance to my love. They were my other half, they clicked with me, but I never respected them.
With him it’s the other way around. My admiration of him as a person is the mark of the relationship. There are no weepy emotional scenes, no feelings too big to be real, none of the things I used to look for to make me think this is love.
It’s rather like my grandfather. I don’t really have anything to say to him. I don’t feel angsty feelings. But I do know that I love him unconditionally, that I’d kill for him, and that I’ll find him in his next incarnation.
I suppose the problem is that I have not learned to learn. My one greatest love – my grandfather – I’ve not learned a thing about love from loving him.
I’m having that ding! of an epiphany. What’s wrong isn’t who I love nor how I love him, but what I think love should feel like. My closest friendships are all so uncertain, despite the depth of my passion. But that’s not how I love Tika. I love him confidently, surely, securely, perhaps boringly. But it’s the absolutely most real thing I know.
So maybe he and I are meant to be – the “he” to whom I was referring to at the start of this. Maybe rather than sigh at what Max and Mina have or at what Irene and Mike have, I should consider the fact that I am not any of those people, that I am actually quite unlike them. And maybe I should accept that I would not have tried for this long nor cried this much is I did not really love him. And maybe I should learn to distinguish what is REAL from that which is emotional.

todd, todd, todd... :::shakes head:::
i was gonna take the candy heart quiz that you took, only to see betty rubble being fingertrapped by fred flintstone and barney. WTF? i think i was much happier before i saw that.

is today thursday? right, ok...
so, TUESDAY night was the sears festival. mitul pointed out that no one has yet blogged about it, so i guess the lot falls on me.

adnan's play was first. considering they've only been really working on it for two weeks, it went very well. however, i'm sorry baby, but i don't like your writing. it's just not my style.

the second performance was called "sure thing" and it was great. it was two people who meet in a coffee shop and try to pick each other up. however, whenever they say something stupid (eg. "i'm waiting for my wife") they stop the scene and begin again. it was hilarious.

the third one was ok, but very confusing. it was absurdist. let's leave it at that.

i'm gonna go try to get cartoon porn out of my brain. i'll light a q-tip. burn it out.

you know, i think reading week would be scads more fun if my dad had a job. or was on vacation. instead of laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and making comatose noises, i get to gather all sorts of fascinating anecdotes.

anecdote 1
vit: i need to drink.
me: fine example you're setting. at this rate, i'll become an alcoholic too, someday.
vit: good. you should.

anecdote 2
vit: you're coughing again.
me: no i'm not.
vit: if you're coughing now, it'll be worse when you're old. no one wants a coughing grandma. your boyfriend won't find you attractive any more.
me: if i'm a grandma, he'll be a grandpa, and he won't be so picky.
vit: he won't be a grandpa. he's a jew. he won't marry you.
me: then what difference does it make if i cough or not?

i've decided that if josh and i ever break up, i'm gonna find another jew, out of spite.

i can't remember what i've been doing lately, but that's nothing new. all i know for sure is that i watched average joe last night. i'm rooting for brian. go scrawny brooklyn man!
gonna hit up the sears festival tonight, to show support for adnan. yaay!

things have been sucking ass lately.
mostly it's my dad. it started yesterday with him going on about how i'm going to fail 1st year, despite the fact that i have so little work to do. he kept insisting that, no, it's not that i'm stupid, but that i'm lazy... or something. he made sure to say that i'm not stupid, but i'm not sure what his explanation for my marks is then.

last night when i got back home from valentines stuff, he picked up my box of chocolates, and i snatched it away from him. this morning that gesture turned into a major issue, about how selfish i am, how i don't consider how hard his life is, and how he wants to leave me.

he's right and he's wrong. i am very mean to him. and the reason for that is that i'm so used to thinking of him as the enemy that of course i treat him as one. he was a jerk to me during my childhood. and now i'm old enough to express my anger, except i don't always direct it well. if my mom had wanted one of my chocolates, i would have let her have it. but it's because i hate him, i do these small things to show that i hate him. except i do them at the wrong times.

i wish we could just separate. i wish he could go to yugoslavia and i could live on my own. we'd both be happier. but we can't afford that financially. our lives are being ruined by my need for money. i hate that.

valentine's day was fine. it was fun, but not really romantic. i guess it's just not the same when you pick out your own chocolates.