heh... evan e-mailed me.
he said how he can't look at me, can't talk to me because he may say something he regrets, how he'll never love again, and how i left a hole in him... a hole that is being filled with hate. he asked if this is what i wanted to acheive.
well, i never wanted him to hate. a bit of pain, yes, because he likes that. he's happy being overdramatic.
but mostly, i wanted to cut him out. the stupid things he would have said are nothing to those i would have. it would have been so stupid of me to risk josh for him. i'm glad i didn't.
at the same time, i'm worried about evan. i don't know if he has anyone to lean on, and how he's handling thigns. he'll be ok, i know that. i just hope i didn't make him less ok than he would have been.
when i read his e-mail, i laughed, because i'm sure he says more than he means. at the same time, how do i know? how do i decide what is sincere, and what isn't? who am i to laugh at the sincere feeling of another human being?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! i just figured out my self destructive thing!!! oh my god... mehaik was right, it IS vit! i want to destroy myself because he wants to destroy me, and i adopted that behaviour!
not just that, but he ruined his own life, which doesn't help. he ruined his life, and wants to ruin mine to make up for it. as i child i adopted this behaviour, and do everything i can to destroy myself!
god, it's so clear....

"Upholding the use of reason to transform nature and create wealth, Objectivism honors the businessman and the banker, no less than the philosopher and artist, as creators and as benefactors of mankind."

the business man and banker are not benefactors of humankind. they perpectuate a society and mindset that claims that one must work to survive, that one must sacrifice whatever one truly wants in order to earn money, in order to eat. i cannot believe that anyone truly WANTS to be a banker or businessman. they may enjoy dealing with numbers and abstract numberical concepts. they may enjoy interacting with others, serving the needs of others, a secure job, and the knowledge that they are in control of the lives of others. but i cannot believe there has ever been a 5-year-old who got up and said "i want to be a banker!"
the nature of man is to create something from nothing, to create art, sculpture, book. to bring something new, to spiritually give birth. it is the fundamental instinct of every underdeveloped creature to keep oneself alive, and perpetuate the species. it is the fundamental instinct of every higher developed creature to keeps ones soul alive, and to perpetuate that soul. it is, incidentally, the highest being that sees there is no soul to maintain or perpetuate.

"Ayn Rand was a champion of individual rights, which protect the sovereignty of the individual as an end in himself; and of capitalism, which is the only social system that allows people to live together peaceably, by voluntary trade, as independent equals."

capitalism only creates the illusion of equality. people are divided by economy. people like to be divided. we evolved from creatures that lived in small family tribes, divided from all other tribes. what we want is to be divided, becasue our minds are too small to accept love of all. people make up philosophies like objectivism and satanism to justify division. the element of these philosophies i have the most touble with is "love those who deserve it." "don't love the self-sacrificing non-individual." "don't love the idiot."
love it the eaqualizer. it is the one thing that cannot, truly, be biased. i don't love vit more than josh more than darian more than the atoms making up this keyboard. it is eaqual, only the relationships are differant.
why is it easy to imagine someone sacrificing their lives for a lover, but not a stranger, not an animal, not a tree, not a galexy on the ohter side of the universe? the one thing that the objectivists do seem to agree with me on is that love is about making acceptions (though i doubt they would hold ones own life to be something that can be made an acception on). to live and die for the things you love - including yourself - is very locigcal. the more you love EVERYTHING, the more you will see the unity of all objects in the universe, and, in turn, you will loose the illusion of seperation. and, acheive moksha.

i'm the only one in the class to have gotten perfect on the chemistry alkene/alyane/alkyne thing. it's a dumb thing to be happy about, but yay me! and i just developed some kic ass photos that kayla took. i'm wondering how to use them for evil... sweet, sweet evil...
er...

ok, you know what bugs me? people who can't pick one partner and stick to them. you pick someone on the other side of the world, damn, you chose THEM, so stick to them! and i DO have right to say so, because i choose, didn't i? well, i eventually did :p
all my friends are messed up, especially in love lives. ::: kicks everything :::

it is still too hot. come summer, all i do is complain about the weather, but i think i have the right to. i'm a winter baby. i like it cold. when it's cold, you put on a sweater, and you're fine (you put on a blanket, cup of tea, and a book, and baby, you're in heaven). but when it's hot, you can strip down till you're naked, and it's still too damn hot.
i don't know why, but it's bugging me a lot that miranda and janice have problems with public displays of affection. well, yes, we were making out like diseased dogs... but damn. when josh and i first got tougether, he immediatley said he didn't want us to be one of thse cuples that goes around groping in public. i looked at him and said "but that's the best part!" so yea, my baby's good to me and he indluged me. but i don't get what the problem is with other people. it doesn't bug me when i see other couples doing their thing, and it didn't bother me when i was single either. i figure, "hey, if people are displaying their happiness, just grab some of it for yourself." by that i mean, the happy energy is just radiating away from them - absorb it.
i'm wondering about a lot of my beliefs, because a lot of them are based on my need for self destruction. i've been analyzing things, trying to figure out which things are destructive and which are not. this is one of the beliefs i think is clean. take happiness from happiness, wherver you find it. why waste it, or, even worse, be angry and disgusted with happiness that's just lying around? use it.
max gave me some deep advice last night. i was saying that about being self destructive, and he advised me something along the lines of taking ownership of the world around me. my existance is all the reality there is, and therefore anything within that reality is mine to own. or maybe that's a total misquote, but that's what i got from it.
i don't REALLY believe that. it's the one thing i refuse to stop believing, because i've experianced it: there is no "me." so i have to be careful. however, inversley, it is also true that there is nothing but "me." i don't really feel like discussing hindu philosophy. that's what my journal is for.

it is too hot to do karate. the dojo was so humid, and no one owuld listen to me to close the doors. fortunatley, robin had freezees to share at break, and we all (we all being me) rejoyced in the purple icy splendor. mmm... purple...
rob made good tofu. seeing as how so far tofu and i have not gotten along, i am impressed by this.
i'm sort of worried about what josh's mom thinks of me. i was wearing this wrap-around skirt that, if twisted the wrong way, becomes a giant slit. it did that, when i was gettin in the car. i dunno... i shouldn't worry about these things.

i sem to be grring a lot recently. vit decided that i'm basically no good, and has confiscated jesus, and the phone, and given me a BEDTIME! i'm pissed. sure, i'm sleeping more, but still not enought, except now i'm also not gettin any work done.
well, i'm seeing josh today, so i guess that'll cheer me up.

mira finally received my e-mail. you know how when someone is so excited to hear from you that you can tell if even from the bland, monotonous letters looking at you from a computer screen? like that.
vit is being a great and total jerk. he wants my drandparents to primise him i won't see vesna in order for me to stay with them. i could stay with mira, but then she'd have to pay for the whole ticket. and i don't want her to have to. i mean, his gorss earnings are 104G's a year, he can god damn afford a stupid plain ticket.
i though she'd be a bit more curious about josh. she just said she suspected that the reason i hadn't been writing to her was romance related, and what would i do with him over the summer if i came to yogoslavia.

oh... i just figured out what to use this blog for. to write down the stupid mindane stuff that happens, so my journal can be properly dedicated to what i'm thinking and feeling. neat.

speaking of the mundane... working on a project for photogrpahy. i want, every day, to shoot myself for taking that course. waste of my time. of well, pulls my average up.

i don't know why this blog doesn't show up online. maybe is set it to private or somehting... grr grr grr...

i'm feeling stagnant. haven't left the house all weekend. need to poke something.... :::pokes self::: no, it's not the same as poking other people. they complain.

i have to take the pictures for my photography summative, which is due next week. i hate may. and the end of june. no, that's not accureate: i hate school. waste of my time. i should be in university studying physics like a normal human being. or mediting in the jungle. or fucking. but not sitting here, with the stupid project.

gee... do i sound cynical?

i just felt like starting a blog or online journal. i don't know why...

deep...