body

tomorrow

tomorrow is a scary place.

tomorrow, mandy and mitul will go back to school. tomorrow everyone will be back home or in rez, preparing for the last day of holidays, preparing for the first day of term.

tomorrow, i hope my girls will love me again. well, not love, i know you still love me. but i hope you will respect me again. respect is more important to me. mitul, i don't think you understand how much it hurt me when you said you lost all respect for me. to me those words meant our friendship is dead. i hope you didn't mean those words.

tomorrow i will finally learn to appreciate my father. i realized yesterday that he really is far more fair than i give him credit for. certainly, i don't have the same liberty that some of my friends do. i can't call home and say "hey dad, i somehow ended up in saskatchewan. i'm not sure how... i'll be home... soon. or something." but i'm not forbidden from leaving the house either. and if i only knew how to value the freedom i do have, rather than complain about that which i don't, i would be a lot happier.

tomorrow i will get my degree, tomorrow my name will be a name, one of those names that's instantly recognized, like rutherford, bohr, or hawking.
or maybe not. that's why tomorrow is so scary. who knows what'll happen.

as for today... today i'm going skating.

feelings

sometimes i walk down the street, and i think i've woken up somewhere totally different than where i fell asleep. some days i wake up and i think that the world has changed in some very minute, fine way, that i can't quite identify.
and then i realize that it's not the world that's changed. it's always felt this way. it's always looked and smelled this way. it's always been this beautiful. no, what's changed is how i walk. i don't walk at all, i strut, boldly. and it's because of that strut that i am aware of the supreme subtlety around me.
it's like the whole Universe has converged on this moment, to present me a gift. every mole of matter has conspired to produce this moment. time itself has blossomed for me, and a deep voice says "this is for you."
i am loved.