body

oh i'm just full of sad news these days!
ashley's dad was diagnosed with cancer. i haven't reallt kept in touch with her these past few years, and learning about the cancer makes me realize that.
i owe a lot to ashley. she is the human being responcible for my discovering religion to begin with. and though my own views have changed a lot, she is still the spark that started the blaze.

you cannot imagine how i've been longing for MSN. i though it was the internet. i though it was my blog. no. it was the ability to instantly communicate with my friends. it is such a releif to see that little window, even if no one is one (it's 6 a.m. back home).

i've had a lot of time to think about everything. well, about a week to think. but, in summer, days seem so long. worlds are made and broken in hours, like glass globes. to have the revelations of one summer any other time would take all the days from september to june. it's like to year is really two.
but in that week-that-seems-tem-times-more, i've been thinking. realched a lot of conclusions about my relationships. i feel very distand from my feelings, now that the sources of those feelings are so far away: i can look at them onjectivley.

at home, (that is to say, the place where my father lives), i have concluded, i cannot live. i'm hoping that somewhere between now and january something will happen to make it possible to me to leave. and, but "hoping," i mean i am doing actualy work to make this possible. but, certianly, unless there is a dramatic change in conditions, i do not want to be there past my 18th birthday.
a sidenote - i find it very interesting to think that the last time i way in yugslavia, i was slanning to not live past my 17th birthday. i remember thinking, the say i turned 17, how odd it was, because i had assumed that on that day i would kill myself, and, rather, i was sitting with 5 friends, all squashed on my little bed, talking and screaming and giggling as girls do.

my aunt told me something that really bothers me. she had had my indian horoscope done a few years ago. she told me that my darmah is to follow a career in the arts. this disturbed me, because it is most likley not going to work out that way. i still want to be educated in physics, and will do everything possible to make that happen.
of course, that's no reason wo WORK in physics. really, i never intended to. i'd much rather write.
speaking of which, kelly, "jesus and satan" is coming along well.

my brother is getting married in august or september. i'm very proud of him, of how unlike his father he is. my father got married when he was in his early 20's, scarcley educated or employed, because the condom broke. by brother is in his earlt 30's. he is currently in the united arab emirates, on work. he has known the girl for several years.
the simple contrast of it makes me think the marriage will work. i never saw my brother married, he seems so young. but i suddenly have a lot of faith in him. i have a lot of faith in any man who makes a decision in his life because that is the direction he WANTS to take, and was not forced into.

to leave, i'd like to share a my horoscope for the week:

Jupiter moves out of the section of your chart associated with partnerships and relationships, leaving the cupboard bare in this department. Now the emphasis shifts to joint financial arrangements and deep one-to-one bonds that affect your emotions on a powerful level. Soul mate issues may come to the fore, and you may even meet up with your soul mate as Jupiter provides the way for you to open your heart still further and more deeply. The more you trust in your feelings and flow with them, the more you will find that your finances improve in all ways - the two are linked even if they seem miles apart on a surface level. Jupiter will give some useful lessons in freeing yourself up and saying it like it is. Mars, Mercury and the Sun are also in Leo so this area of your chart is highly intensified this week. You are able to look deeply into financial matters on whatever level you need to. If you are managing resources and money for a company or business, you will be inspired to overhaul the whole system and make better use of what you have. You will also want access to more and will want to increase the amount of capital available.