body

grr...
all that wonderful thinking i've done? so what?
what good is it to have a decision made when it can't be carried out? and, more importantly, when you quite sincerly don't know if it is the right one?

everyone is so far away... and i just know the second i see everyone, all the decisions i made will go flying out the window.

that's not indecisivness, is it? that's just what happens when you have to interact with other human beings - your decisions are based partly on what they want, and partly on those random emotions you experiance when you're with them.

i asked mehaik once, which is more important, how you feel about someone when you are with them, or without them? i believe the conclusion we reached was that the true feeling is whichever is more plentiful. right now, that doesn't sound like it can be the right answer...
i'm thinking that it comes down to a choice between optimist and pessimism. you can choose to focus on the poitive feelings, or the negative ones. if it turns out you are happy only when the person is not around, don't spend time tougether. if you are happy when they are around, then do. but focus on whatever time it is that you are happy, because otherwise you are conqured to by cynicism and pessimism.

janice wrote to me about something that reminded me of my sister. she's 4 now. she'll be 5 in october.
i remember once, when i came home from school, maggie (my dad's fourth wife, mother of anne) was sitting on the couch with anne in her lap. as i wa taking off my shoes, i looked up, and saw anne. she recognized me, even so young. she started bouncing up and down, waving her arms, and smiling. it's my dearest memory, it's so clear in my mind.
i should contact maggie when i get home. i don't know when i will... between university, learning to drive, staying on top of things at school, math class, karate, salsa, trying to learn to eat, getting a job, maybe moving out, and keeping track of my own "life" and the lives of my friends, i have no idea when i can do this. actually, i though maybe maggie could take me if and when i leave home. but that's secondary. i'd hate to come to ehr and first thing ask for a favor. beides, some people around here don't really trust maggie, and i'd hate to owe her a favor 10 years from now if it turns out she's not the most outstanding human individual.

josh and dr. bernstein (and the two sometimes seem interchangable to me) are of the opinion that a happy individual needs to set very strict priorities. when it comes to people, you need to understand just what each individual means to you and contributes to your life. this is difficult for me, since i live in a world of plenty, and a vauge one at that. i have about nine people whom i care most about, 5 or 6 of whom i am certain would do anything for me. i am certain, because i would do anything for them. but, when thinking about it, i became curious just what each of those nine meant to me, in a single term. for the sake of having it recorded, the results of my wondering are thus:

M - my angel
M - my compliment
M - my uplifter
J - my opposite
J - my balance
S - my baby
N - my confirmation
I - my inspiration
A - my other half

mira, my dear confused mother, said something rather disturning to me. as we were walking down the street, talking, she laughed at what i had said, and aswered "oh vega! do you really think all these couples you see walking tougether are 'in love?' haven't you outgrown that idea?"
well, no mum. the idea of not wasting your time on someone you don't love doesn't quite yet seem below me.

vesna made a good point about mira. she said i have nothing to learn from her.
from what i have observed of my mother, she loves to keep things shrouded in mistery. god help you if you want to get any information out of her. everything has to be wrapped up in secrets. and, for me, who likes to have the most intimate details of my life announced to everyone, this is terribly annoying.

just now, my dear aunt called me into the room. she was watching tv as she talked on the phone to her friend nenad. she asked me to grade the intensity of the porn on tv. "soft," i answered.
i can't figure it out. the city looks so nice and clean. yet still, as last summer, i can't walk by a newspaper stand without a dozen covers of women fondling their breasts and showing the world what lies between their thighs.
and these aren't even capitalists!