body

i cried a lot today. in the morning, i was fine. then something happened. i'm not sure what. i got weak. then vit swore at me about something stupid with dinner, and i couldn't stop for hours.
i kept saying "you were strong, and now you're weak agian. yesterday you were strong. yesterday he could yell and scream and hit you all he liked, and you didn't cry. now you can't stop. now you're weak." i actually blamed josh for it. but i knew, ages ago. i remember sitting in the auditorium during an assembly and thinking "i can't allow all my self confidance to be determined by some guy."

i e-mailed evan to apologize. he refused. i think he blocked me on msn. how ironic.

i'm stable right now. i talked to mehaik on the phone. and talked to irene today too. it helped. a lot. i still am at rist of starting to bawl at any moment. but i'll survive. damn optimist in me won't die.

mehaik asked me if i would consider going out with evan now. i said it might be a nice idea. he's so young. it'd be like going back and having all those relationships i never did, you know, where holding hands and kissing is such a big deal. those sort of relationships where sex is so foreign and distant that you don't even think about it. you don't even associate it with the person you're with. that'd be nice. to be all neive agian.
eh. shot down there. besides, i don't really want anyone else right now.