body

:::sings::: what a differance... a day makes!

well, i've just spent and interesting weekend with josh. i was with him since friday night. that night we broke up. well, it was technically about 2 a.m. on saturday. i got home about an hour and a half ago.

i've told the story of exactly what happened to mehaik, irene, and addy, in great detail. i don't know if i feel like telling it again. i don't think the details are important.
the jist of it is:
1) max is such an angel, i an so grateful to have him in my life. i would have died without him.
2) janice is a sweet heart. i love her madly. some other people are critical of what she did, but i'm not. i either understand or i love her too much to care.
3) i love josh, quite possibly more than ever. i've lost a wee little bit, but i've gained so much. i've gained a friend. already i feel closer and more comfertable with him. maybe it's just the change of title from "girlfriend" to "friend," but i feel closer and better all over.
before i came to the realization that really, we WOULD be friends, he wasn't just saying it, i was so low. i was physically shaking and could not take food and was horrible. i was certainly wanting to reach for the aspirin. i'm glad janice and josh were with me (or i with them), because i should not have been left alone. it helped.

the three of us were in bed, and i was trying to ween myself off of him. i kept reminding myself "you do not own him. he is your friend. as with any friend, all you own is the right to his happiness. anything that will make him happy you encourage, anything that harms him and his happiness you will destroy."
damn! i do love him so much, and it's so simple now. the relationship aspect was such shit. i'm just whole and happy. i hope he is too, i know besides me he's having other romantic problems to occupy his thoughts. but i'm pretty sure he's just as happy as i am about how he and i are. as for the other romantic problems, i'm not very comfertable about talking about them, but it's not too bad. i want him to be happy above all else, above the jealousy and whatever. and i'm already easing up on the jealosy. thought it should be noted, i'm protective of all my friends too. any girl hurts him, ass kicking shall ensue.

i don't know what else so say. just thinking about vit get's me nervous and sick. let's not talk about that.
i'm fan-frikin'-tastic! god damn it! i'm so in love! damn how i love these friends of mine and this life and everything! things are fabulous!