body

i'm getting better.
firstly, i'm talking to everyone. even people i don't really know. just getting it out.
the more i talk about it, the more i think "ok, now i have to do this..." and not "now what will i do..?"
i didn't realize i was becoming so task driven. but ever since my troubles with adnan, i saw "yes, this is how i feel, this is how you feel. and since we both feel bad, give me something to do, right now, so i can change it." of course, with him the answer was to be patient.
i still pushed him too much sometimes. really, it was more like many pushes, with not much in between. but then, one day, he opened up to me, like a flower to the sun.

who knows? maybe it'll be the same with josh. maybe, after time has gone by (as only time can), he'll open up to me too. that makes me smile.
or maybe, with time, i'll see he's a jerk and just too much my opposite, and i'll not want him in my life at all. that makes me smile too.
i guess what i want is to not be stagnant, never be stangnant. to DO something about how i feel, if what i feel i don't like. a little part of me (and of other people) says the pain should have it's time. but the bigger part of me disagrees. i've had enough pain in life. i can look back on it and enjoy it then, if i so choose. but the only time i believe in mourning is when you've lose someone. and i haven't, not yet. i may have gained someone. i may have changed the nature of the relationship. but i haven't lost anyone. and if i do, it'll be because i'll have seen i didn't want them there in the first place.

so i guess, yes, unless josh has a problem with it, i'll still go over there to game tomorrow.