body

you think that i'm strong... you're wrong. you're wrong

i am so disgusted with human beings, i want to vomit.
i thought.... well, i thought a lot of things about myself that turned out to be wrong. i'm not as good as i thought i was. and proof of that fact is how i feel now.
i am disgusted with how people behave and the things they do. i see more and more of my father in me every day... and that's not what bothers me. like him, i see that i am just not equipped to deal with all the strange things in this world. but, unlike him, i see that i am not meant to live among human beings. it's not that i don't want to understand them: i's that i don't want to understand them. i want to pretend they don't exist, and all the things they think and do don't exists.

i went out with a bunch of friends tonight to celebrate the end of school. i enjoyed the time i was with them. but when i get home i am sick. a lot of it is sick with myself: why do i tell people things? nothing good ever comes of it. maybe one day i will learn not to, but i doubt it.
what i wonder is, which is the true feeling? how i feel about people when they are there, or when they're not?
sometimes it's hard to love everything. i never thought i'd say that...

i could, if i sincerly wanted to, start seperating myself from other people. but that would require doing a lot of things i don't want to do. and, i'm not strong enough to.

at dinner, adnan said i make mistakes aobut a lot of things. i asked what he meant by that. he said it was a mistake to live with my dad and not my mom. i said no, if i lived with my mom i'd be throwing my future away. he said yeah, but i'd be happy.