body

and, as always, things have settled down again. i apologized for what i said. there's change in the dish again. i guess all is well, more or less. at least as well as it gets around here.
you know what surprises me? at the end of summer, when vit and i were both in belgrade, he asked me how come i do things around the house for my grandparents without being asked, and he always has to beg me to do my chores. i answered with the truth: because i love and respect my grandparents, and i don't respect him. and he didn't react to that.
i've since told him one more time that i don't respect him, and he didn't react that time again. of course, that doesn't mean that he won't at some point react, when he actually hears is for the first time. but i have a suspicion that he heard me the first time: he looked down and didn't say much and looked thoughtful.

i've said it before, but i'll say it again: how sad it is to be my father.

speaking of whom, i've concluded that my dear daddy is gay.
i was sitting in psychology class, and mr. grooves was telling us about an experiment done: a group of men was selected, half homophobic, half not. they all watched porn, and were aroused. then they all watched gay porn. all were aroused, though less. however, the homophobic men were aroused more than the non-homophobic.
grooves concluded by quoting freud: "what we hate most about the world is what we hate most about ourselves."
my gasp was audible when i concluded that vit is very deep in the closet.

as for myself these days.. well, i have been getting pretty low lately. mild depression coming back and such.
i'm really missing having some affection. evan is not... friendly. he's smart and witty and clever and hilarious, but he's not affectionate, and that's a HUGE deal for me. and somehow it bothers me even when i see my friends hug each other, because something inside me is screaming "can't you see i need it more!?!"