body

no no no no... don't do this vega... no, you are not getting depressed again...
i just had a pang of sadness. but it's not depression.
vit came the other day, and he's making shit for me already. i've been very stressed, and apparently when i get all juttery like this i do things to offend people and then they're mad and that makes me ever more stressed, and it just snowballs from there.
i keep thinking "this is the state i'm living in 11 months out of the year." and it's just that i haven't had any stress in a month, so this is hitting me hard.
but i was on MSN, and i just talked to josh and mehaik, and i got hit with this major feeling of sadness and hoplesness. i'm gonna be all alone for 3 days, only i'll be ALL ALONE. no one will come see me... and the one thing i've been wanting to avoid these past two months is lonliness... i don't want to feel it again, because it's then that things go bad.

when i got tougether with josh, i stopped getting depression and stopped feeling suicidal. and the reason was that i stopped feeling lonley, for the first time in my life. and i'm dreading what will happen if i feel it again.
but, for no reason - they didn't say anything to get me down - i got this hit of "i don't want to go home."

i have this feeling that i want to force myself to throwup, or start hypervenilating, so sleep, or have insomnia... i jesus, this is not good. i shouldn't have to much stress... i'm okay, i'll be okay. everything's okay.