body

i haven't been this low in so long. all i wanted to do today was call adnan and read him my journal from nine months ago, when all this started, and make things better. i messed up again... apparently. no, i know i did... i just don't want him to be mad.

looks like max will be staying until next september. i should be happier. i'm too heavy to be happy.

it started last night. i was with the ladies. and i'm so tired, not having sleapt. but even last night... everyone's love lives are so messed up. and i can't handle it. i depend on my friend's relationships too much. i need them to be happy. and everyone is falling appart. trust me, tess, you don't want a boyfriend. look at how miserable it's making everyone... especially me.

i tried to registed for the SATs today. and vit didn't want to pay. and he's making it seem like he won't pay for me to apply to university either. and what do i do now? what's the point of anything. it's one thing to not study waht i want where i want... but to study nothing at all> that deviates so far from anything i've ever wanted for myself, i can't get my brain around it. and i want to apologize to anyone who will be hurt by my saying it, but i want to die. i see no point to all this pain when i'll never get any reward for it. i can understand delayed gratification. i can't understand this.