body

i just wanted to get this out. i stepped out of the house and saw the moon and smiled and sighed and thought it's so ridiculous of me to be sad when it takes so little to make me happy.
i was horribly pissy at vit this past weekend. every five minutes i'd have to scream at him "shut up, shut up, why are you still talking, get out of my room, close the door, leave me alone. you can see i'm pissed, so stop harassing me and making it worse." of course, that wouldn't help. the very notion of his existance, health, and the possibility of his happiness makes me mad.

i've also been very tired latley. must be the short days. but i was so tired when i got home. and somehow, this escalated. mark was late for my lesson. and somehow this all escalated into us screaming at eachother and hitting eachother. and i was fine, for a few minutes. then i went to the bathroom. it was then that mark showed up.

children, i give you this warning: it is not what another man can do to you that is the horror in this world: it is what he can make you do to yourself.

i was in the bathroon, crying, and so man. so mad, but i had nothing to hit. so i scratched at myself, and bit myself (the bite mark is still there, hours later, a little red ring on my arm). i looked at the blades on my razor, and decided that was stupid. they're too small.

and then i put up and act and pretended i was fine, and should have gotten an oscar for it.

and then i went outseide. and i thought about how silly it is for me to be sad. the moon was out. the snow had fallen. i was warm in my coat, with nothing but the faces and bodies of people to see. and lord, how little it takes to make me happy!