body

wow. just wow is all i have to say.
rowland's open you box last night was amazing. the dances were spectacular, and i loved crossing harmony...

however, i have to confess something.
as term ended, i realized just how much of a toll UofT had taken on me. i used to think i was destined for great things. i used to think that i could make a contribution to science, that i could discover something about the world. i no longer think those things. and, as a consequence, i no longer see the point in trying... or, for that matter, living.
mitul gets mad at me for saying i'm gonna kill myself. and c'mon, let's admit it, we all know i'm not going to. but it sure seems tempting. i sit and think "what's important to me?" "what do i want to do with my life?" and i draw a blank. my life no longer has a sense or purpose or direction. from here, it looks like a long string of failures and reminders that i'm not special.
last night made it worse. somewhere towards the end of the show, i realized that these people were all having fun. they spend their days choreographing dance routines and making movies and writing... they can all look at themselves and say "i do this." and i can't. there's nothing interesting in my life. i don't do anything. i don't make anything.
i was hoping that i could use this summer to spend time with my friends and re-build a sense of "being vega." but that seems futile. i don't see how it's possible to build on something with no foundation.
all of which only serves to make me ask "why bother anymore?"