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janice, it is really not your fault!

i wish you would see that. it's not what you let him do. it's that he wants to.
and it's not even that.
it's so hard... when just he, me, and max are tougether, it feels so comfertable. we're friends. and all i want from him is to feel comfertable enough to talk to me about anything.
and then i remember than "anything" includes other girls... no. it's not even that. it IS just you. if he wanted someone i didn't really know, i wouldn't like it, but i could deal. but because it's my friend.... and it's not your fault. oh, dammit, it's eveyone's fault! mine and his... why did i go over there last february if i knew i wasn't totally into this guy, that i really rather wanted another? why did i stay there when i still felt that way? why did i stop tlaking to evan? why did i fall in love? why did i fall in love with a guy whom i don't respect, but not nearly as much as he doesn't respect me? why why why...?

i wish... i wish we were stronger. all of us. i wish that no one ever entered into a relationship that's not forever. and by forever i mean until you are both dead, and even beyond that, into your next lives. all of your next lives.

i wish we never cried, except for joy. i wish we were happy, and our only variation was the differant levels of happy. i wish i could see the future, that is, if the future is happy, just so i can calm myself down by saying "it'll turn out ok. you saw it. you know." but i don't know. all i know is that i'm making the furute, and i have no idea how each move is affecting it.

what do i want in life? nothing material. everything material just happens. and that's the problem. what i want isn't concrete. if i wanted a certain job, i can say "i'll work hard, get x% in school so i can get into University X, so i can get qualification X so i can work for companey X." if i wanted a nice house, i could say "i make this much, so if i save this much for this long, i'll have this much money and i can buy it."
but i don't want a job or a house or a car...

what i want... is to get up every morning excited about the day. to travel from toronto to vancouver to london to belgrade to muscat to australia so i can play with the children of my best friends. those are my family. i want to immerse myself in religion and books and paper and those beautiful things that make me happy. i want to... i hate to admit it. i wish i were self-sufficiant. but i want to have a man whom i love and who loves me and who can live my life. no, who can live our life. for whom i don't have to sacrifice and who doesn't sacrifice for me. who wants the same life i do.
i want to work for a university, have it arranged that i work for 2-5 years, then take a solid year off, and travel and spoil my neices and nephews and live with my huge family... mehaik and irene and adnan and max and josh and janice and sarah and mitul and their wives and husbands, (a few of my blood relatives), and their kids. i want to work in toronto. maybe live a little ways out. i don't mind commuting. i don't want my own children. i don't want to get married.
ah... so maybe i'm getting more concrete. well, i have been dealing with more materialists.
but those concrete things... they're not what i want, they are the medium to what i want. what i live for is that solid year, when i have my real family, that FEELS like family, and when i can have religion.

can i begin to describe what hinduism is to me? what god is?
it is love.
it is not the source of my love, nor of my strenght. it is the result of it.
my religion is the result of struggle overcome.
my religion is my passion. that's what the word "religion" means to me. passion. whatever the most important thing in life is to you, that is your religion. if it is jesus or allah, objectivism or environmentalism, your lover, your dog, your family, your job, science, mysticism, or shoe shopping. if you wake up knowing you'd die before renouncing it, die before you'd even SAY you'd renoucne it, even if you don't have to mean it, in my view, that is your religion. the thing you live for, and the thing you'd die for.

it soudns cruel to say this. but if someone held a gun to my head and said "say you don't love irene/mehaik/adnan/janice/max/josh!" i'd say it. after all, it doesn't matter. the cops'll get the guy, and the fact that i said it won't matter. hell, even if he kills me, it won't matter, because they knew it's not true.
but if someone put a gun to my head and said "say you're not hindu! say you are not Brahman!" i would not. because the principle of it is greater than my life. it is the only thing greater than my life.

as for what i want right this moment... i want to turn off the voice that, on occasion, screams "no! he's mine!"
i told you... his happiness is mine. and though i may not agree to what he thinks will make him happy, i have to let him persue it. if he ends up sad, my shoulder is here for the crying on, my arms for holding, and any resource i have for helping. and, hell, if he by some mirecale ends up happy for it, i'm here to hear all about it, and roll my eyes at the love-sick wuss he becomes. ^_^
but, unfortunatley, it takes two people to have a romance. and the female in this case doesn't want it. well, my shoulder is here for crying on...

aham Brahmasmi